Wednesday, December 31, 2008

bye 2008

i am thinking of taking a vow this year. people take vows all the time, for marriage, medicine, secrecy, silence, or devotion, but i never have. i have to think it over for the next day or so, then i'll let you know. unless of course i take a vow to disappear....oh, i won't.
the rain has been constant, and there's just more on the way, a huge tropical storm in the south pacific is making for the rainiest weather i've ever experienced. and it's only been a week! folks tell me it can go on like this for 30 days or more. crazy. but it's giving me a sense of winter, i feel ok about staying in, reading, and sleeping late. the seeds of my discontent lay more in the cycle of seasons i've become accustomed to than the actual temperature. we all need time to die and mourn and get ugly, fertile soil is not made by ease. what i hoped to escape was the bone chilling cold that bit me over and over for years with no sign of relenting. i have accomplished that.
i have been invited to a party for new years. though my hermit self wants to decline, my sense of adventure won't allow it. my mission here can't be accomplished all alone in a pity party. i must go out and join in the revelry.
my low spirits have opened up doors. i am still disappointed in myself, but i am determined too. each day is a gift, each person i meet, a universe. how can i not be in love with life? i relearned this.
you know what i'm starting to miss? you know where i think my earthly home is?
i'll tell you later.

Monday, December 29, 2008

ecstatic dunce

i went to a beautiful dance party today which lifted my spirits. the best 5 dollars i've spent on this island, the room filled with whirling tattooed torsos bearing very little clothes, a vintage toy themed altar, and the persistent beat of jungle/house/latin/country/all-one type music. there's nothing much for fun for someone like me. i'm a simple creature who just wants to be in a room with people who are having an honest experience. my place as a human in this wild and intriguing lava pile is with those people. it's a place i've found many times in many locations. where the freaks call home.
it may be hormonal, but i've been feeling so self-loathing for the past few days. my blog's not interesting, my body has too much fat on it, i'm not smart enough, i don't make enough money, and it seems like i can't even concentrate long enough to finish a book. this is not like me. i am not scared of meeting life head on, but i've been hiding from people, feeling ashamed of myself for not being cooler. i look to my past and i don't recognize the person i am right now, or i don't recognize the person i was, either way it's odd. i don't consider myself a depressed person, and i don't act depressed when i'm around people, just when i'm alone. i always like being alone, despite this. or i think i do. maybe i'm all turned around in this labryinth. maybe i'm just incubating, getting close to being born and being frustrated that i can't break the shell yet. at the bottom of this heart, i think i'm just lonely. i wish i had you here, and i wish i knew you.

Friday, December 26, 2008

a wet one

i'm living inside water. my envelopes stuck themselves, my dirty clothes discovered a horrible perfume, and nothing ever dies unless you viciously bludgeon it.
last night the cockroaches must've thought i'd be nice because it's 'christmas', one, sounding very much like a mouse, crawled out of my garbage can and i could almost hear it's white flag waving, it just wanted to reason with me, but no mercy was shown. murder. a few moments later i went to the bathroom and must've caught two huge ones in the act--one was overturned and the other was running for cover. never again, adulterers. then, as if they thought i'd be over my rage, one sauntered across the hall with a skip in her step, probably on her way to play the virgin mary in the live nativity scene under the futon. hope she had an understudy.
the water continues today, torrents, buckets, drips and mists. i guess i was crossing the line to think i could dry my clothes on the line on christmas day, let's be real.
i hope freyja didn't drown. she hates that.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

my landing pad

hooray, i got a job! i am now the produce girl at the local natural foods market--abundant life. there are pros--healthy work environment, no dress code/no uniforms, employee discount, potential to meet cool people, mom and pop owned business, handling beautiful fruits and vegetables all day, full-time steady work with health care benefits. there are cons--not much money=don't think i can exist on it for long unless i get some big raises, they keep you real busy and expect alot, no free coffee, no free food, no cute boys (yet).
i don't know how it will work out in the long run, but at least i am working and generating some income. if my past is any indicator, this may just be the first in a series of jobs that leads to the good one. as much as i like the pros this job has, none of them hold water against a job that pays double.
i'm totally spent from a long day learning the ropes as the veggie vixen.

Monday, December 22, 2008

sweet hitchhikers

i was going to have some kava at the tiny kava shack at the end of the red road where the magic is known to happen when what to my wondering eyes should appear but two small hitchhikers and two backpacks of gear. i picked them up wanting company and the possibility of sharing some kava with the travelers. turns out we'd seen each other on the beach several days before, they recognized me and i remembered their ukulele playing. they were headed to kalani honua, a haven for all sorts of offbeat characters where i stayed last year when i was here on vacation. they joined me for kava since they'd never had it and we walked out to the black sand beyond the lava fields and viewed the lava exploding into the ocean (still several miles away). turns out they're minnesotans, and i love minnesotans. good folk from that land. they invited me to come to kalani with them and use the facilities--hot tub, pool, sauna. on the way there we listened to the rock n' roll station and that devil music convinced us to go get beer. we diverted our direction and rambled through a one lane twister lined with enormous leaves, trees who demanded we go around, and a feral pig who couldn't care less. we hit the beer store with only 10 minutes to spare before they closed (8pm mind you). success bred success and we arrived at kalani unscathed and ready to party. the night was on our side, cool enough to love the hot tub, but warm enough to make swimming feel like the most obvious thing ever. we met people, we drank beer and smoked pot and several hours later, i couldn't find my underwear, but went home happy nonetheless (i was sober by then).
today i meant to go to ecstatic dance and meet up with them at kalani, a paradise for dance freaks, but got up too late and only caught the very end. they were gone. i resigned myself to spending the day being productive, or maybe just going to the beach. as i headed that direction, i saw them on the side of the road, hitching again. 'what are you doing?' i laughed. 'what we do best' they said. they hopped in and we spent the whole day together, hitting lava tree state park, mackenzie state park, and ending up at volcano national park where we hiked, and drove down chain of craters road and back listening to rufus wainwright. i left them to camp there and took myself out to dinner at an overpriced but delicious pizza joint.
a contentment welled up in me, i felt good about being able to share what i have--a car and some time.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

oh, whatever

my self-esteem has taken a hit, and though i intellectualize that it shouldn't be happening, i can't stop it. did i really forget that moving somewhere is painful and difficult? did i forget that my career track guarantees absolutely nothing, so i always start from ground zero? these things look like blessings when they're in the future, but now i don't want to be going through them. at least not every day, but there's no escaping the challenges i face here. the truth is, i love to travel because these experiences sharpen me, but the sharpening means i have to shed parts of myself, and i just keep getting smaller until when? until i'm a useless scrap of metal? i'm ready to recycle myself already. i want to start over, melt down my components into the sea of components, and become something new. transformation.
in many ways i feel just like a child, only it's not cute anymore, it's kind of sad. maybe that's why i like being around animals so much, they don't judge me and they don't allow me to judge myself unfairly. i know my life is no less fulfilling than alot of lives, but i catch glimpses of others who i perceive to have so much more. i wonder if the things i've given up to gain the things i have were worth it. a regret path that is fruitless, i know.
do i classify my life so far as a success or a failure? tonight, i just don't know.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

a little let down

today was not my favorite. i didn't get the job at the fancy house, and i didn't get any other jobs either. the whole day was spent cleaning the house of my hosts because that's what i do instead of pay rent. i'm grateful that rent is not an immediate concern, of course, i never need to pay rent, i can live under a tarp for all i care. it is nice to have a safe haven from mosquitoes though. i'm in that nebulous phase of being in a new place where everything seems like it could be an opportunity, but there are alot of dead ends thrown in there.
i recall when i arrived in denver it took me a looooong time to find a job. i had to clean houses for a while to make ends meet, and then i ran through a few not so great jobs before i landed my cash-cow bartending gig. and that was when the economy wasn't feeling so ill. now here i am on an island with only 130,000 people and the tourist based economy is in the shitter, what do i expect, really? i'm going to a temp agency tomorrow, hopefully i can start making a few nickels to rub together.
that guy that i met who has a friend opening a bar emailed me asking for my resume, so that's encouraging. and i applied for a government job today, my first effort of the kind, it's for a plant quarantine inspector type job at the airport. might be cool, or horrible, but it would be steady and i'd have benefits for the first time ever.
i miss my brothers today. they'd make me laugh and say something awesome.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

i had a great day

things happen on island time. remember that? yeah, i do, but impatience sneaks up like a little jerk and tries to make me forget. i have learned the absolute key to surviving here--talking to people. that's it!
bold and brave as i wish i was, it's talking to people, random people, that i avoid. i'm not afraid of them, i just don't want to bother them, and this is the very issue i am overcoming (due to necessity). no one gets jobs on craigslist here, or from the newspaper, or from walking in and handing over resumes, you gotta know someone who knows someone. and the amazing part is that already i've run into VERY helpful people who want to recommend me just because i'm there and talking to them. like last night at the alibi, i met 'zhena', a heavily perfumed, sparkle nailed goddess in her 50's who knows the bar manager at coquis--a bar i want to work in. she helps people get their medical marijuana cards, a job she got because she met someone who knew the guy get the idea. she, much like me, is not doing what she is educated to do--she is a college professor but can't get that work on the island. when she first came here she worked at a gas station. she wanted to stay here so she did what she had to do, and now she is happy and never leaving. i tried to imagine what that was like, to be a college professor who, needing a job in a job-dry area, was working for minimum wage at a gas station in her late 40's, and i realized it would be humbling, like if i had to work at mcdonalds. and i then realized that working at mcdonalds wouldn't be that bad, it might be funny. the thing that keeps me from going there is how i'd explain that to the people who know me. an exercise in how my perceived "everybody" would react, but really, who would care? my ex-boss would snivel, but i hate him, so so what? sometimes it's the people i hate who seem to have the most power. i'm working on breaking that useless burden down.
now, back to the island. today i woke up and called parker ranch, a famous old ranch here that i'd really like to work for taking people on trail rides or serving them dinner. i didn't get to talk to anyone, but left a message for the lady in human resources. then i made some tea and sat down to contemplate how i could conquer my fears. just then, the phone rang. it wasn't parker ranch, but a lovely french accent asking me if i was still available to work in hapuna beach. i didn't actually recall what job she was talking about, but i said 'yes' nonetheless. she'd like to meet me at my earliest convenience, ok, how's about in 3 hours i say. that would be wonderful. we hung up and my spirits rose considerably. i got clean and put on a cute vintage dress and the best shoes ever, tied a bow in my hair and grabbed my bathing suit. i was headed for one of the best beaches on the island, two hours away.
the drive starts in the jungle, where i live, with dense walls of green lining the roadway, flowers bursting forth from the tangled organism. the air more like mist feeding the veins of this concentrated jumble of living. a few miles later and i'm headed up the hamakua coast where the land starts to pull away vertically from the ocean. lush green canopies of tall trees, deep gorges cut into the coast like wrinkles on weathered skin, i climb up and over old railroad bridges of dizzying height, through tiny villages with enormous names, and next thing i know i'm in a eucalyptus forest. the grasses are different, less green and more yellow, the jungle tapers off and the mist clears. elevation increasing with visibility and fences appear holding cattle and horses, old bathtubs serve as drinking fountains, and wooden signs mark ranch entrances, just like i'm out west. the town of waimea aka kamuela has a distinctly western appeal, complete with a dry wind, a country store, a couple steak houses, and on it's western edge, parker ranch, a huge holding where the first horses and cattle on this island called home.
past waimea, the lava rears it's head, claiming more and more ground as i go. i've crossed the midline of the island and am now headed down the other side. cactus and stubby golden grasses stake their claim on the lava, trying their damnedest to civilize it. but the further i go, the more the lava wins, finally obliterating any trace of vegetation, a dry black land of sharp rock which seems impossible to travel on, yet the road is. it goes on this way for quite some time, for miles on either side of the road people have 'graffiti-ed' the lava with white seashells, writing their names and who they love and what year it was then. eco-graffiti i guess.
then, a little further north, there are pockets of green, well manicured hedges and pedigreed palm trees frame the entrances to upscale resorts and residences. places poverty is forgotten and luxury is expected. i pass a few of these portals before i reach the entrance to 'prince hapuna beach hotel and golf course' where i turn in. the gentleman at the gate welcomed me to the resort and i gave him the name of the house where i was expected. he repeated it, gently correcting my pronunciation, smiled kindly and opened the gate. i drove in and was transported to what seemed like another time. a time when people drove motorcars and wore finery like feathered hats and monocles, when people had a lovely place in the country where they would drive and eat picnics out of wicker baskets and play croquet.
past several fountains, endless perfect grass, the golf course and hotel so luxurious it maintained it's subtlety, i reached my destination--a private residence with a small yacht parked in the driveway. i rang the buzzer and announced myself as the girl who was there about the serving job, then the gates opened for my little economy car. i got out and was greeted by 'olivier', a tall tanned french man with the ocean in his eyes and an easy smile. he led me into the house, through the massive open living area, past the bustling kitchen and bar and into the small office where i met 'tasha', my interviewer. she was also french, mind you, and leggy and thin and as impossibly nice as she was beautiful. she took me over to the employee tent which is where they eat their meals and take breaks, and proceeded to tell me about the job. it's a gig basically, when the owners of the house show up, they bring their family and friends and we all serve them. they'll be here from december 17 to january 3 and they are served three meals a day as well as cocktails and such around the pool. i'd be bartending and serving along with 2-4 other servers for 28 dollars an hour, 40 hours a week. not bad, i say. i'll have the job if the waiter they had lined up can't do it because of an emergency in his family. sorry for him, but i hope he's tied up for a while because i really want this job!
the interview went well and afterward i went to the beach since i haven't done that since i got here. i swam in the perfectly temperate water, floating like a sea creature, diving into the waves and hearing the soothing yet awe-inspiring sound of the earth's womb in my ears. after about an hour i swam back to shore and laid on my towel, feeling my heartbeat through the sand and watching the cloudscapes whirl and uncurl as the sun slowly set. the oneness of all things was obvious.
peacefully i wandered toward home, stopping in waimea for dinner where i happened to meet a guy whos friend is opening a bar in honokaa. hmmm...wouldn't it be great if they needed me? he's got my number. i'm really relaxing now. i am being absorbed into the flow.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


still no news on the job front. seems the economy here has really taken a hit and nowhere that i've applied is actively hiring except for the natural food store where i have an interview tomorrow. it's for a cook position which is kinda weird for me, but i've done it, and i'm good at it, and it'll at least be an opportunity to meet some interesting people, natural food stores are good for that.
i went to the kava bar to put in a resume (the owner said he can't afford employees) and decided maybe what i really needed was some kava to mellow out the stress and get me in a better space to talk to people. it worked. kava really is a miracle herb, and prepared in the traditional way, as a drink, creates a social atmosphere to share in the effects, as nature intended. i don't know about you, but taking medicinal herbs has never been a social activity for me. i can tell you that it is most inspiring to take kava this way. i listened to the guy beside me "ragu", a slight man in his fifties with what we used to call a rattail, wearing hemp and silk, tell me about a girl he knew who recently quit the natural food store where i am hoping to work. he assured me i'd be a good fit, and once cornelius met me i'd have the job. he came here 5 years ago on a 2 week vacation and never left. common occurrence, at least in the people i've met. then the guy to my left, paul, gave me a piece of fudge and awkwardly tried to ask to buy me lunch. i politely refused, and he left the invitation open for next time. i felt happy to have changed my attitude from moments before--stressed, worried, needing things--to the state i was in now--open, calm, receiving things. kava dude, for real.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

the alibi

after a long day of dog bites, cleaning house, bad pad thai, and a painful but necessary conversation with a loved one, i headed to the bar. the closest bar to my place of existence is called the alibi. perfect, i need one of those. turns out it was just moving through time waiting for me to show up and join in. paul, who i perceive to be the neighborhood drunk (affectionately) walks in right after me, haggles lightheartedly with the barmaid and buys me a drink. i meet a huge black man named jay who is very interested in what i am reading, vows to read it too and chat about it next time we see each other, like oprah's book club and shit. he buys me a drink. then i analyzed the handwriting of richard, the german/hawaiian christian who knows chinese astrology. he told me he was 44, but then told me he was lying, really he was 49, and a virgo born in the year of the boar. apparently i'm a double horse gemini, because gemini is the sign of the horse as well as the year i was born being the horse. cool because i'd rather be a horse. we talk about how jesus is cool, but alot of christian stuff is dumb. he buys me a drink.
then paul, the japanese/coloradan told me i was a pretty cool haole for being at the alibi in my first week on the island. i'm gonna make it here he says. i tell him i'm just a barfly, but he doesn't buy it. he's convinced i'm special. i'm convinced i've found my bar. cheers.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

how to move a cat (or dog) to hawai'i

getting freyja to the island was what i perceived to be the biggest challenge in moving here. i didn't chose the most economical, thinking persons route, i did it the hard way. and for those who are curious, here are the steps i took, what they cost, and where they landed kitty and me.
1. read the quarantine manual from the official hawaii website--like most government issued documents, a mess of confusing incomplete information that must be pieced together. i realized her rabies vaccine was overdue and this might destroy all my plans. crossed fingers, hoped for best.
2. made a vet appointment to have her microchipped, blood drawn for the OIE-FAVN rabies titer which must be sent to a lab in kansas, and rabies vaccination update. cost $200. if they give the rabies vaccine before the blood is drawn for the test, a false positive may occur. make sure they do it in the right order, or vaccinate 21 days before drawing the blood. pre-planning makes it all easier, but i would have none of that.
3. showed up at airport with cat. when going through security, you are required to take your animal out of it's carrier and carry it through the metal detector with you. luckily, freyja tends to go into a frozen shell when terrified, so she meekly allowed me to carry her and drag her in and out of the carrier. flew on american airlines to seattle. they don't require any health certificate for flights in the 48 states. i took her in a soft sided carrier in-cabin with me. cost $100 for flight, carrier cost $20.
4. made a reservation with the satellite quarantine station on the big island. otherwise she would have had to stay on oahu in the state facility. i figured she might never forgive me for that. the 'bar king dog kennel' was very helpful in putting together all the loose ends. they make all the arrangements once the animal has arrived at the honolulu airport. had to put a 50% deposit down on the affair. cost $700
5. a health certificate must be obtained within 10 days of travel to hawaii. at this visit, we got a frontline flea treatment, leukemia and parvo vaccine, a general checkup, and an acclimation certificate which states that the animal can withstand periods of cold down to 20 degrees and heat up to 85 degrees, otherwise the airline won't let your animal fly if the temp is out of the federally approved range or whatever. cost $87
6. mailed a packet of paperwork to the honolulu quarantine headquarters. this contained the "dog/cat import form", original health certificate, proof of last 2 rabies vaccinations, and a money order for them. cost $224 plus postage.
7. showed up at airport with cat. this time she had to go in a hard crate because she was going under as luggage. there is currently no airline that flys to hawaii that allows pets in-cabin. in fact, hawaiian airlines was the only carrier i could find that would fly animals at all. again, she had to be taken out of her carrier for them to inspect and metal detect it. she nearly poked her claw through my jugular when the dufus doing the inspection decided to pet and baby-talk her. thanks buddy. cost $225 for flight, carrier cost $34.
8. upon arrival in honolulu, i walked to the airport quarantine holding facility to make sure she survived. they were very kind and helpful. had to say good bye for a few days.
9. waited for the bar-king kennel to call and say she'd arrived. it was two days later. i went right over to see her. she was badly shaken, had her horrified eyes on, and would barely come out of the cave they made for her. i was really sad and all kinds of yappy dogs were shrieking in our ears. i wondered why i did this to her.
10. a week later, she's doing much better. not that she likes the place, but she's tolerating it, eating plenty, and today she PURRED! i really missed that sound. she'll be in the kennel until february 24th. that's less than 3 months which is the best i could do with my limited forsight. the earlier you get the OIE-FAVN test done, the shorter the quarantine. if it's done 4 months in advance, then there is no quarantine, but as you all know, planning is not my forte. cost $642 left to pay before she gets out.

i don't want to add it all up. i know it's insane.

Monday, December 8, 2008

playin games

i just played parchesi and two rounds of scrabble back to back while drinking beer with my housemate. the second round of scrabble, i had a strange idea to ask if we could play in 4D--or where you can make words go in any direction, not just two. i never played that way before, and i don't think it's normal at all. it was super fun though to be able to modify the rules. scrabble 4D, the next level...
i had a thought about my ex-eric yesterday and lo and behold he sends me an email today. i don't know what to say to him really. i've been hurt and slightly humiliated by him, which is not altogether a lesson i didn't need to learn, but i just don't know what he wants from me. i tried so hard to stay in contact, and he shunned me. that's hard to swallow, even if i did deserve it. and now he says he hopes i'm happy. well, yes eric, i'm happy living on this island. the whole depraved cycle where you entered my life started here. i went back to the beginning to start again. but no eric, it's not a guy thing--girls like to ride fast on motorcycles too. and i don't know where i am now. i can't tell which cycles started over and which were discarded, my whole life is wrapped together in a spiral of unrelenting complexity.
i heard a song a few days ago that seemed so perfect--oingo boingo's "mary". i was riding in my friends car with the warm wind flowing through my hair, and it carried me through a parallel trip on marys and my own life. it was one of those moments more common in youth when you think everything is about you, and i enjoyed the feeling i got for a while. it's fun to play the lead in my own life.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

nuts and bolts

poking my beak out of the shell and into a new life is always a little frightening. emotions i felt last time i started over come rushing back and i'm left feeling like i've gone backward in my development. here i am again, looking for any scrap of a job, eeking out my last dollars and not knowing when i'll have income. haven't i worked hard enough to not have to do this anymore? well, no, i haven't. i've started a movement to celebrate the meaningless job, and while it's benefits are many, getting a new job easily isn't one of them. it's a crap shoot--maybe i'll find the perfect no-brainer, tip jar busting bartending job, and maybe i'll slave away as an underpaid, over-responsibilitied barista in a mangy coffee shop, with the meaningless job, one takes what one can get, especially in this economic meltdown. so far, i've got a "come back next week" from the tuscan (italians can't resist me) restaurant in pahoa, an interview tomorrow at the food co-op, and a whole lot of "times are tough, sorry". not bad for my first week.
i bought a car today. a 1988 toyota tercel hatchback that is awesome. $800 dollars, 109,000 miles, new tires, bitchin' stereo system, a little oil leak, and 35 miles per gallon, not a bad deal. i was in love with another car earlier this week, but i took the path of practicality instead. the 1981 datsun 280zx was hot, and it might have run ok, but it was my hearts desire, not my heads...sigh. oh well, i won't feel like night rider, but i will be able to have more than one passenger.

Saturday, December 6, 2008


things to remember when moving to a tropical island:
1. you won't wear your sweatshirts
2. you won't wear socks
3. you will sweat in december outside
4. you will get eaten by mosquitoes
5. you will surprise cockroaches when you turn on the light
6. everything takes longer, just wait
7. you won't find what you want at the store
8. you'll pay 50% more for it when you do
9. you still won't miss the mainland
10. you will feel like a kid on christmas every day

Thursday, December 4, 2008

land of lava

i made the right decision. every morning i wake up and wander out in the humane chill for a stroll in paradise. the jungle reminds me of western washington where food grows on trees and bushes, but instead of blackberries and apples, it's mangoes and thimbleberries. i like being supported by the plant life, my life is being encouraged. this trip has handed me an important piece of understanding--no matter where i am, life amazes me. i'm a perpetual child, and now that i've learned how to get around this world, i just love exploring more and more. i'm not settling down. i am active. and getting eaten by mosquitoes.
my generous hosts (eric and michelle) took me on a walk today through hawaii paradise park to the shore which is mostly smooth (pohoehoe) lava. the smell of the ocean, the mist on my face, the awesome power and constant motion of the waves thoroughly filled me. i can't really fathom that this is my new home, here, where people swim with dolphins and crap like that. i've never lived near the ocean before and i feel like i'm on vacation.

Monday, December 1, 2008

goodbye mainland

i'm sitting here doing nothing, but i'm leaving at 4:30am in the morning to catch the shuttle to go to the airport to move to an island with two suitcases and a cat. i feel like i should be freaking out, or packing, or doing something at least. but this is my last day to do nothing, so i'm doing it. tomorrow will begin the new phase, job search, transportation plan, setting up home. i might buy a van to live in. i might buy a sports car and live in a tent. i might rent an apartment or cabin and ride a bike. all options are appetizing. i'm hoping my contacts there will help me decide. i'm really hoping to find a cool job that isn't too annoying and makes me some decent money. today--it's all hopes and wonder, tomorrow reality hits. on the edge of the diving board, ready to bounce and dive in.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

everybody's mom

growing up, my mom embodied all there was to being a mom. she was comfort, love, food, protection, intelligence, and money. as i grew, i figured out she had needs too--for me to behave in public, not swear, be modest, and basically act like a baptist. i didn't come to those realizations by force, i just would never want to embarrass my mom. mom never tried to embarrass me either, though it happened naturally sometimes as it does with all kids i guess. she taught me to be a good listener by never interrupting me, a quality i've adopted and value highly. she never made me responsible for her happiness, nor did i ever worry about her mental health. she can take care of herself, though i do have the power to make her sad or disappointed, i'm not the pillar of her self esteem.
this thanksgiving, i was not with my mom, but i had the chance to observe two of my dear friends with their moms. seeing what traits they've taken from their moms, and how their personalities were shaped by their interactions through the years shed light on the much discussed, often painful mother-child relationship. some moms allow wildness, but require emotional support; some moms don't let you get a word in unless you interrupt, some moms can hang out with your friends, and some would never want to. how my friends and i interact can be directly traced to how we were treated by our mothers.
today i thank my mother for being strong, solid, and true to her beliefs. even though our lifestyles are fairly divergent, i have the utmost respect for her and i hope i've inherited her integrity.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

what now?

how can the life i live be fair? i was born a privileged white female. my family is decidedly middle class, i never suffered hunger or cold or lack of education under my parent's care. the advantages i've had are unheard of to most of the world's population. and here i am, moving to hawai'i because i want to, because i chose to. being able to do this brings up lots of questions like what is a person supposed to do with their privilege? how can i make my freedom to travel a good thing for the world? am i just being selfish? the native hawaiians who are trying to re-establish their nation's sovereignty don't want me there, i'm just another cog in the wheel of colonial oppression. would i be a better person if i went somewhere i was actually wanted? who can say who belongs where?
as i shift my focus from my own disentanglements, the larger social constructs take the lead. i am happy to be out of the capitalist/consumerist mindset of numbness, and now i have to do something with it. with awareness comes responsibility.
i fly in one week. the most challenging part (i think) is over--freyja is all vaccinated and microchipped and ready to be hauled across the pacific. taking an animal to hawaii is not an easy task, and this challenge was the test to see how bad i wanted to go. the way this whole trip evolved is something i could not envision when i left denver. further proving that an unknown plan is operating behind the scenes, i am but a pawn.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

bus and baby

riding the greyhound through the cascade mountains, through the high desert of central washington, and into the pine tree forest that surrounds spokane, i'm taken back to one of my homes. i spent my time here years ago, before massage school, before i took my bartending career seriously, before i had any sign of wrinkles. my friends have just had a baby, and i'm here to introduce myself as "aunt" to a young one who's mother is an only child and who's father has only brothers. i am part of a network of women who are sisterless, and we fill in that role for each other.
the bus ride was the second long one i've taken in this meandering trip through my far-flung friendships, and as i've come to expect, it was incredibly interesting to see who was traveling with me. i met a mexican guy who was headed to atlanta georgia, another who was going to south carolina, and a couple who were headed to texas. all of them would be on a bus for days, and i wondered how they justified that. i've always figured it would cost me more to feed myself and go stir crazy for days than a plane ticket would set me back. maybe they're afraid of flying? maybe it is enough cheaper? maybe they're illegal, and couldn't produce the identification to fly? i didn't ask.
november has been easier than expected. i haven't even noticed the cold, though i am getting tired of wearing the same sweatshirt every day. i'm purchasing my plane ticket to hawaii's the final step that seals my fate. pele has something to tell me, and i'm so ready to settle in and listen. to have my own bed again, a job, a place to get to know, the past few months have tilled the soil (soul) and it's time to plant.
**any of my spokane friends who are reading this--if you want to hang out tomorrow, i'll be strolling about with shan and geo.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

obey the day

allowing the weather to dictate my days, yesterday the sun invited us to climb the mountain to the one old growth douglas fir, it's bark scarred from several fruitless blows of the axe and saw; this one blusters it's orders to stay indoors, write letters and organize.
i'm campaigning for the cause of handwritten letters. yes, i'm an old fashioned type who would rather ride a horse than drive a car, rather cook on cast iron than teflon, and believes a homemade pie is not a homemade pie without a homemade crust (duh). i also have a penchant for mystery and longing. both of which are quite at home in the land of letters. there is nothing so romantic as a piece of paper that has traveled across oceans, mountains, highways, and rivers to arrive in one's own mailbox. for those love-lorn souls who fancy a simple (but not easy) way into a heart from a by-gone era, there is no better way.
i've noticed i'm not the most lovable person face to face. i always seem to screw things up by getting weary of the person, or failing to love them good enough. this doesn't seem to be a problem when the one who loves me is thousands of miles away writing furiously from a cage. while i sometimes lament my singleness, i know that i am single because i haven't learned how to be coupled yet. this letter affair is a slow, torturous tutorial in how to articulate the terms of love, and how to build the framework of a relationship. enjoyable? yes. satisfying? not at all. it's all a tenuous balance on a high-wire surrounded by the abyss of folly. but i'd rather take my chances than stay home.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

c'mere world

today i begin to broaden the view of this blog, this mind, this life. i've spent the past year, and many other years in my life just getting out from under burdens, obligations, and debts; always managing to keep my head above water, but not much else. my friend sarah says that's very grown-up of me since many people have their parents bail them out, have money from an inheritance, or rely on someone else to pay their way much of their twenties. i feel like the price i paid for learning this self sufficiency was not learning my true calling, not knowing my special strengths. things other people learned while relying on their financial supporters, i never had a chance to. i've been assured it's not too late, i just switched the order of learning. many of my friends are just now learning how to completely financially support themselves, but i envy the fact that they know what they really want to do in life. getting free from oppressive debt was the first step to giving myself space to grow into the adult i want to be. now, that weight off my shoulders, i'm feeling a little lost, like all i've really learned in life was how to be a good worker bee. i want to be more than that now, but i don't know where to start. more advice from sarah says that one of my great strengths is curiosity and the ability to talk to all walks of life. my varied experiences give me ease in relating to the working class, yogis, college students, cowhands, drunks, dreamers, lawyers, bodyworkers, hobos, artists, thinkers, homeless and more. i wonder of what use that is, but i'm not going to let that discourage me. i'm going to make my hawaii adventure into an art project. i want to document my experience and share my perspective. i want to filter the seemingly random lessons i learn each day into something coherent and thought provoking. maybe i'll interview people i meet and take their picture, doing a series using the same questions, like "who are you?", and "what do you think about most?". maybe i'll do some naturalist studies, like what comprises the jungle floor, or how to identify different species of bananas, or what plants were native to hawaii and how they got there. it's infinite. i want to spend a nearly equal amount of time with people and without them. i want to work enough to feel financially stable, but not so much that i have no time to volunteer on something fascinating-- my own study or someone else's.
this is where the blog takes a turn. i've extricated my body and mind from the trappings of "normal" obligations. i'm a free agent. this is where the lens zooms out and i find my newly unstuck self in a bigger picture.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

more ny

i might love new york, ok? maybe it's just that my bf lives here, but it's been an eye-opening experience, and i realize i could live here. here in one of the largest cities there is, and i don't like cities. what's the deal with that? oh well, i'm open to surprising myself.
last night we got invited to an opening party for mike burbiglia, a comedien with a show off-broadway and complete with celebrities and free beer it delivered an authentic ny experience. tonight we are going to see "equus" on broadway, it's a show with live horses and daniel radcliffe, the star of the "harry potter" movies. i can't really afford it, but i also can't afford to pass it up since lord knows when i'll be in new york again. all this and i finally feel comfortable riding the subway, like i won't get lost just by going down the stairs.
i went to a yoga class today, and wouldn't you know it, i feel so much better about the trajectory of my life. funny that.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

i will be back

here in my best friend's renegade loft in harlem, i rediscover who i am, who i have been, and with great hope, who i will be.  funny how the deep lines of friendship ore get mined when we're together, precious things i forgot re-ignite passion for treasures i lost track of.  he renews my fervor for digging.  reminds me there are things we buried, things hidden just for this day to come back for.  and in the process, discover new wells of inspiration, new laughter mines, refreshing ourselves with each other.   gee whiz, why didn't i come sooner?!
yes, i know there were other plots to be tended, other lessons to be learned, other friends to combine with, but this one's my favorite!  i'm so happy being an adult doesn't mean i don't need a best friend anymore.  kids have best friends because they're awesome, and that doesn't necessarily change with age.  
i feel completed on the east coast.  ready to leave and fly west, where my home awaits.  i watched a western the other night and the scenery really got to me.  i love the way the light hits the weathered wood and sand.  i could smell the desert subtly beckoning, luring me back.  though i head to the jungle, the beach, and the ocean, i will be back, american west, of that you can be sure.

Sunday, November 9, 2008


i'm spending lots of time with russians. two in particular, but there are others on the outskirts. they have a certain something about them that is uniquely russian, something i am very fond of. these two are classic people with fashion tastes quite un-american, compelling, intriguing, my favorite. literature. cold nights and accepted agony. i'm sure they will laugh at this.
i made an instructional video with lea, the mountain jew, for it will make her some money and i had fun doing it. we rode bikes and hiked one of the many gorges in ithaca and she told me what she knew of geography and glacial dance moves. i could go on talking to her for hours.
i am wasting time waiting for inspiration. the block exists, i exist behind it. i don't really know what i'm doing. i feel stifled by needing to be kind.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

i'm going somewhere

first let me say that the british comedy "little britain" is dominating my life right now so everything is tinted with a bit of brit wit. that's a good thing since the weather is getting to me, the clouds, the cold, the lack of leaves on trees. my skin is flakey and hangnaily. this dose of winter is good for me, like a preventative medicine that will help me enjoy the coming health.
i'm going to see andrew in nyc this week and i can't help smiling when he's in my mind. only a few more city days before i land in the land of no cities. i might as well soak up the asphalt aroma, pay the tolls and enjoy access to everything one can buy. there will be much time, perhaps alota much time to kick back island style, so this week i'll pretend i belong here.
in one week i will fly to seattle.
in three weeks i will fly to hawaii, where i wanted to go all along. sometimes i should just listen to myself when i first think of something, not wait and hem and haw and make it so much more difficult.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

taking stock

sinking in slowly, the realizations pile up...i have to go back to pennsylvania to get my tooth fixed (again), i'm really broke but i still have lots to do before i get a job, i'm getting lonelier, i'm in love with him again. the balance of joy to problems is reasonable, but maybe i'm carrying the load wrong. i miss the van and the simplicity it afforded me. i was off on my own, and often melancholy, but i could deal with each situation case by case, now it's all jumbled up and stretches on forever intertwined with lovers, family, friends, history, and future. this is all leading up to me being alone in a strange place again and i suppose i'm going through it to make me happy to be able to catch my breath once i am there.
in the meantime, i'm helping joe and friends build their cottage/shed so he can live there for a while this winter. i encouraged him to make a go of it since it would afford him the ability to live rent-free (a specialty of mine) for a while this winter while he figures out life. i may be headed into a rent paying situation, but i will always vouch for the viability of the free life.
i'm spending an inordinate amount of time staring at this screen and i just don't know what to say. today i feel helpless, tomorrow i must begin again.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

halloween in ithaca

this place absorbed me like a drop of blood on a cotton ball. the old ways abound, and all hallow's eve is certainly cause for celebration. as the evening set in, we rode our bicycles to the commons and joined up for a costume crusted critical mass, a bicycle event wherein as many as can be gathered (in this case about 35) ride their bikes through town in a mass too large to be bullied by cars. taking our share of the streets to help raise the visibility of bicycling. lucky for me, this town is very bike friendly and people were clapping, cheering, hooting and generally raising a rukus for us as we passed. it felt like i was in a spontaneous parade, smiling and waving at the many colorful characters on the street.
when the sun went down, i became a unicorn and attended to the trick or treaters while dinner was made. i helped construct a costume for joe--a rainbow complete with clouds and a pink and purple wig. after all, what goes with a unicorn? a rainbow.
it was an unseasonably warm night, perfect for running around outside and several parties and later, we found ourselves standing in front of a bar drinking wine from my pocket and dancing with the madness. a procession with a giant squid puppet marched up the sidewalk, they had two leashed goats, a fire breathing frankenstein, several old crones and a destination--the graveyard. we joined them of course. entering the ancient graveyard, someone blew a rams horn, it's eerie howl capturing the scene appropriately. they hung a pinata and with one blow it burst into confetti of liquor bottles and candy. we tumbled around and played with the goats and suddenly our friends from 4 hours earlier walked up. they had come to the graveyard just to see what was happening.
it was pretty much the most fun halloween i've had in a long time. oh, and it was the second fun halloween i've had this week. why is it the less planning i do, the more perfect things are?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

winter cometh

the first snow has fallen in my corner of appalachia. a signal of my impending departure. it feels good to see the flakes fly since i know i don't have to endure the whole winter here. i am aware of that familiar dread, but it can't sink into my heart this year. i've skidded to a place of rest after all that work i did this past year, and i finally feel like i'm moving at the speed that suits me. i'm no longer pushing myself through a rough patch, i'm just walking on the ground noticing the beauty around me. this is my life. this is how i really am.
i'm almost entirely packed, just a few little details to arrange when joe gets here. my parents have been so generous to me, they have provided enough nooks and crannies in their house to safely store all the items i can't take with me but might need later. they've taken me to lunch almost every day and given me a furnished apartment to live in and a car to drive around. i'm a lucky person, and i get to feel like a kid. a kid that's taken care of, loved, needed. this visit to home was just the right thing to prepare me for the rest of my journey. all my medical, dental, optical, emotional, and familial needs are taken care of and i'm ready to strike out on my own again.
last night we had a poker game that served as my going away gathering. we used to play almost every week when i lived here 5 years ago, and the same guys that came then got together last night in my brother's basement. there is something so deeply fun about sitting around a table taking each other's money, telling stories and drinking beer.
after the game, my brother and i stayed up talking for a long time. he gave me 4 boxes of 8-tracks! he swears he told me about them before, but i don't remember. there's about 80 tapes, all country, all in excellent condition. i'm thrilled. i will have to have them shipped to me when i get to where i'm going, because there's just no room in the suitcase, but they are going to be hours and hours of fun. i'm a nerd.

Monday, October 27, 2008

standing in my way

frustration is the name of the day. i set aside this day to visit my friend in prison, but the brilliant government system intervened and halted my progress. no where does anyone tell you that an inmate is only allowed 5 visitors a month. you only find that out if you do all the work to be approved and then show up and get your van searched while you stand in the cold and then go in and oops! you're the 6th visitor this month. go away and try again later. oh? you're not from here and you traveled across the country to see him? too bad, go away, come back next month and we'll see. seems like a little bit of information they could put on the website or tell you on the phone, but hey, if it wasn't difficult it would be easy! fuckers.
so, dejected, i came home and decided to pack my bags for the trip. oh yeah, i'm going on a trip. this winding path has lead me all the way back east, but i won't be here long. my dear friend joe is coming to pick me up in his veggie car and take me to a magical little city in new york state where i will go to parties, vegan potlucks, and anarchist coffee shops galore. a trip to the big city to see my partner in shade, andrew, from whom i just need a few more hugs. then i will help him with his land project, play outside, and cook lots of vegetables for a few weeks and he will drop me off at the airport (again) because that's what we do. my plane will land, with cat in hand, in seattle where i'll spend the november holiday with my bff couple. that's as far as i've got. there is a destination in mind after thanksgiving, but i hesitate to post it until the ticket is bought. even then plans have a tendancy to change.
i'm moving out of my van and into a few suitcases. after shedding so many layers, i still have more to get rid of. i'm almost just a person now. it feels good.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

another day another dog rescue

i went on another dog rescue mission, this time less dramatic but just as sad. a neighbor out by our camp has a puppy tied up by his house with no food or water and very little shelter. in the three days i was up there, no one (that i saw) checked on the dog and i began to worry. i took him some food and water and a blankey to sleep on in his dismal little doghouse. he's just a pup, no more than 8 months old, and friendly as can be. i wish i had a big farm and could just take him into the fold. lacking that ability, i called the spca and they are going to go check on him and take him in if need be.
i wonder why i keep being presented with lovely animals in need of proper care? is it time to settle my ass down and take in some orphans? maybe that is my biological clock ticking. i do have a strange urge to grow herbs, bake pies and make a recipie file. hmm. i'm gonna shove that category of urges back for a while because i've got some other things to do, but i think it won't be ignored too much longer.
i'm trying to get out of here soon, but things are holding me back. things like the laziness that won't let me get my van cleared out and ready for storage, and dental work that keeps failing so i have to go back, and the red tape involved with getting on the "list" to visit my friend in prison, and gathering supplies needed to travel on planes with freyja, . all things that must be done, but will they be accomplished by early next week? it's getting cold here, i'm wearing 4 layers, that sucks.
good news--i made a kick ass halloween costume for a party i'm attending saturday. boots with the fur, tail, horn, and a dash of spray glitter just so when you brush up against me you know you've been touched by a unicorn.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

head for the hills

hometown adventures with chris today, he was nice enough to stop by and break the cycle of work-eat-drink-internet on his way through PA and i showed him the crazy man's candy shop where we used to get cigarettes when we were 10, and then we explored the mostly abandoned machine factory where there were countless rooms filled with countless shelves of extraordinarily metal-dust covered molds. last night we did the bar tour--st. charles to dinger's to buster's to legends. he likes to walk fast too and i think he's endured my little town well, though i'm sure he will be glad to be on his way.
i'm going to my family's cabin in the woods for a few days. the leaves are past their peak of brilliance, and the weather has turned frosty. building a fire, eating soup, walking in the woods with crispy leaves underfoot, this is the autumn experience i was looking for. tonight i'll be there by myself, it's my time to figure out if i'm really going to take the step i've been contemplating. tomorrow i'll be joined by friends for some good ol'country fun.
into the wilds of pennsylvania..

Thursday, October 16, 2008

village pet store and charcol grill

i came across this through the 721sandwiches blog. this is the finest contemporary art i've seen in a long time. well executed, poignant, painful. i hope i have a chance to see the exhibit when i go to new york.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


i'm moving through the world with no guideposts but my instincts. no goals but my survival. no barriers but my ability to figure things out. these last days have been rife with confusion, waffling, doubt, and excitement. i'm on the precipice, not knowing quite what might befall me. i asked for this, i surely did. every path has obstacles, and i can't for the life of me figure out which ones i'd rather tackle. ha! you thought i made a decision?? think again. welcome to my fairy tale, a tangled wood through which i wander where every solid thing i think i see morphs and i am lost again. it's fun, yes, but tiring.
tomorrow i will search for clues in my past. my old journals i've kept stowed away hold secrets that may help me understand why i am here, where i should go, and what i've been working for. the freedom is not a goal unto itself, it's a doorway that, now opened, baffles me.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

plan for no plans

i'm edgy about what the economic status of our country is going to do to my loose-knit plans. already things have come apart a bit--my friend in the caribbean is no longer in the caribbean. he couldn't find a job, couldn't find affordable housing, got depressed and downtrodden and came home. now he has no furniture, no winter clothes, no job and is living in a cheap hotel. while i will never have to live in a cheap hotel, i wonder if my experience will be similar to his. i've never gone somewhere and failed to make it, but i have had some incredibly rough times which i don't care to repeat. would i be better off just staying in my van this winter and driving somewhere warm? or should i go to the islands and try my luck? OR should i do something radically different? i feel like the pieces i had laid out have all been put in the hat again, ready to be rearranged. i'm comfortable with the uncertainty, i'm just amazed that it keeps happening. nothing goes according to plan, so much so that i no longer need to make plans, but it's difficult to talk to people when they ask about what i'm doing.

Friday, October 10, 2008

ode to a friend

crystal. she's perfect. no she's not a genius or a huge success or a brilliant artist. she just knows how to be a person, the person she is. that kind of natural beauty that shines through bad tattoos and difficult relationships, and defies her smoking habit and bar food diet with a lean muscled figure, plump lips and young energy. she's a royal figure in this town, known by all, loved by most, a bad-girl you can still trust. i've often asked myself how she does it so effortlessly, and that's just it--she's a natural. there have been dangerous lessons, fights, periods of stagnation, but she always comes out on top. a little wiser, more savvy, stronger. she knows how to play the game of life by some inborn ability i lack. and over the years this has kept her a fascinating friend for me, a teacher by example.
in exchange i teach her yoga, take her places she's never been, fully enjoy being her sidekick, and always leave the door open for her to join my adventures. i don't know if she'll ever take me up on it, but she is one of the treasures i find when i come home.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

a different kind of painful

tonight i play poker with my brother and friends. this should be fun at least. maybe profitable, who knows? though it would only be dumb luck at this point. or my awesome skills that have been laying dormant. we shall see. at least i get to go out and burn off some of this energy i've got stored. working in an office makes me restless and i feel the need to go out all the time. working at a bar, i don't have that need, it's built in to my workday. this new way of being is entertaining though.
i saw my grandmother a few days ago. her skin is thin like onion paper, her head seems to have withered, and she's far shorter than i remember. being in a nursing home has to suck. it's like a daycare where the parents never come to pick the kids up and half of them are crying or talking to the wall and sitting in shitty diapers. the home she's in is pretty good compared to many, but that feeling is still there. i daydream of my future, will i be in the same place? at this rate, i won't even have children to take care of me, and i certainly won't be checking myself into one of those places. unless i move to a country where there's universal health care, i won't likely have health care, so if i was her, i would have died along time ago of a stroke, or cancer, or craziness. i'll probably just fade off into the wilderness. it might be painful, but it'll be a different kind of painful.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

my younger days revisit

when things are fascinating, i'm really living. when days go stale, i'd rather be on my way. i've experienced a regression to my younger days when all i wanted was to socialize, to drink, to put on makeup and do my hair. this is frustrating to me because i'm not really like that anymore, but i can't quit acting that way! my friends are older now (like me) and don't go out on week nights. i guess everyone forgot how to party.
if anyone reading this is in the mood to get nuts, you should come over.

Monday, October 6, 2008

central pa

i've been meaning to make a post about what it's really like living in central PA, but i think this video says it all. it's an excerpt from a movie made by people i grew up with and it's clearly awesome. Steve's Conditions

Sunday, October 5, 2008


one thing i can say for this place, the boys like me here. probably simply because my face is fresh to their eyes, yet they have a frame of reference through my family and friends. whatever the reason, i'm soaking it up because i know it won't last. this "just passing through" thing has it's benefits, but i know i'm not making lasting connections. that's ok with me right now. i'm fully committing to my traveling nature. let the rest of my dreams and goals retire to the back burner, it's time to explore the world! this theme has come and gone in my life, but never have i been in a better position to embrace it. a few more weeks of familial fun times and i'm off again to the unknown. i would almost always choose the unknown path rather than go further down the known one. this is a hinderance and a help depending on my outlook, and today, my outlook is smiling.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

i miss my van

separation anxiety creeps in, mildly but noticeably now that i'm not sleeping in the van. don't get me wrong, i'm enjoying the bathtub, the full length mirror, and the refrigerator, but i no longer feel like a kid in a fort. i feel like a displaced adult. i am in between lives. people have asked me where i'm from, it's a longer answer than they've signed up for. they ask me where i live, same thing--do they mean today? or last week? or next month? any yet i can't just say i live in my van and i'm only passing through because that's not exactly accurate either.
my friend who is already in the caribbean is not having such a great time. he says there is no work there yet, and he isn't comfortable committing to an island by renting there until he gets a job. i wonder if he'll decide to leave before i get there. i don't really care, we are not inextricably linked, but it will make things different for me. he says all the jobs start in early november which is good for me, but i wonder what i'll do for housing if he's not there. i wish i could just take my van! i don't want to leave it. my little shell to protect me from the world of high rent and geographical stagnation. oh, what's a vandweller to do? of course, i haven't stepped on the plane yet, so there is room for negotiation. will i or won't i? the great part is--i'm fine either way, i'm really unattached to the outcome. as long as i get to have an adventure in warmth this winter, i don't care how i get there, by plane, by boat, by van, or by mule.
i do know one thing. whether i do or not, i still WANT to live in my van.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

over the mountain

the proud buck and doe wink at me from the bar-top as i swallow another local lager, the only beer i can drink in these parts. my brother walks by as i'm laughing at something crystal said, he there to brush up his pool game because the league is starting this week. there is no other place i feel as comfortable, even though to those who know me best it would seem an odd place to find me.
later in the night we're driving to dubois, a town just 20 miles away, and as we pass 18 wheelers on the highway i think i could be 19 again, freewheeling out of control, no seatbelt, no caution, no worries. my girls in the car, all of us happy to be together, not much makeup, no high heels, no pretense or judgment, this is what it's like in the small town when you go way back. for a few hours we are invincible, inseparable, the center of the world.
the fog is familiar, the deer on the side of the road still haven't learned to stay away. the trees are beginning to show their colors, one last beautiful attempt to revel in pleasant temperatures before the wicked winter makes them feel like dying. it really is the same after all this time. like a puffy picture on a sweatshirt, yes, this is the scene we see every day.
we bravely try to have fun on a monday, though the steelers are playing and it's tough to draw attention away from the tv, we manage to get a bucket of beers delivered to our table from a group of hopefuls. but it would take more than that to distract us from our conversations. i'm in the mix of a hometown heart to heart and i wouldn't miss it...well, not for those guys anyway. the small town mind is easily turned toward codependency, and it takes a certain type to escape it either by strength of will, sheer social intelligence, or exposure to outside influences. i myself feel the latter is what saved me, and am grateful.
i made it home, i smell like smoke, and i'm glad i'm single.

Monday, September 29, 2008

getting moving

i bought my ticket for the islands. november 2nd! i am happy to be where i am for now, and i'll be happy to pack up and leave when october is done. i've had nothing but fun since i got here, spent the last weekend with my best friend in lancaster where he was performing in "oklahoma", and rounded out sunday with a few beers in the company of my brother and sister in law. when i am around my actor friends who are performing, i get envious of their lives, i think about what would have happened if i pursued my acting career. i wonder if i will someday? there are so many things to do in life, how to choose which ones i want has always been my most difficult problem. i am very good at starting things, not so hot on the follow through.
my legs are very tired from running and biking today. i've been very active since i got here, there's just no need to drive in this tiny town, nothing is more than a few miles away. i got on my mom's scale when i first arrived and was shocked at the number that appeared. there's no two ways about it, my age is making it harder to stay fit. this is what people mean when they say getting old is hell. so it's really for real time to make activity a part of daily life. and stop eating sugar!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

journey to the place i was conceived

my chicago visit was a raging success, my dear friends have retained their charms and i was introduced to the characters in their lives who i'd only heard about. approval on all counts! i am wistful at the thought that i could join them and be a part of those beautiful people's lives. i am honored to be featured as a special guest star.
i arrived in pennsylvania late last night, and here i sit at my parent's house clicking away on the old keyboard that sounds like a typewriter. everything is different here, though rampantly familiar, like the way the water feels on my head in the shower, i know this place deeply and my past is suddenly jammed into my present. i haven't seen my brother yet, or any of my friends, but i am so very excited to get back into their worlds. in this town i can feel famous, every pair of feet i meet a possible intersection of history and future.
i decided that in order to make the most of my time here, and cause the least conflict, a moratorium on political and religious discussions with my parents must be put in place. i am of the opinion that everyone is entitled to their views, but religion and politics have little importance in my life, and i don't like to argue about them. the stacks of books in this house reveal the current of religious fervor, and the emails my mom sends are reliably links to right wing rants, so it's a difficult task to avoid these subjects, but i'm going to try for my sanity. in my adulthood, i've come to the realization that i just don't enjoy arguing, and i believe this to be a reaction to my upbringing. some people love to debate, i do not. present me all sides of the story and let me decide, that's much more my speed.
in travel news: the van was an absolute dream to drive across the country, i had zero problems, just happy miles passing by. i don't care if i don't see another interstate for a while, and i'm pleased to be getting off the road food habit, but all in all it was a successful journey wrought with discovery and reflection. ahh.

Monday, September 22, 2008

best and worst

before i left santa fe, a reporter contacted me through this blog and asked me for an interview. he was a former and future vandweller and wanted to do a story on the viability or maybe just the reality of this lifestyle. talking to him helped me articulate why i'm doing this and what this way of life has given to me and taken from me.
what's the best part of vandwelling? the ability to live on very little money, go wherever i please, and not have any financial commitments. i chose to stay in one place for a while in order to clear up my debt, and now that it is gone, i feel more possibility in my life than ever before. being on the road and not worrying about where i'm going to stay at night, or where i will live when i get where i'm going is a huge difference. i never needed to worry anyway, but the van life has opened my eyes to how easy it is just to exist.
what's the worst part of vandwelling? the lack of a bathtub. i sure do love 'em. and the larger context they usually are a part of like a house, a kitchen, a garden, a spot on the earth. i do miss these things and living in my van has not provided much in the way of entertaining opportunities for guests, not many homecooked meals, definitely no baths. but this con is also a plus in that i am able to have a savings account for the first time in my life which i believe may translate to owning some land and a house someday. so perhaps i'm closer than ever to actualizing my home based dreams.
there are many other pros and cons like--meeting people has been easier, but dating has been rough. paying bills is a breeze, but having an address has been a challenge. some minds have opened when they found out about me, some people have written me off.
all things considered, i don't regret a minute of this adventure. the reporter asked me if i plan to continue living in my van in the future. i said that although i will surely live in an apartment or house at times, i will come back to van life when i need or want to, and now that i've done it for this long, i know how easy it is. that can't be forgotten.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

i survived

the long long road between santa fe and chicago was paved with jesus signs, country stations, and dirty bathrooms. there is no espresso between santa fe and oklahoma city, and even when you get there, they don't know how to make it. the midwest is a different world, a world where things i like are scarce, and people i feel comfortable around are scarcer. i stopped over in kansas city for dinner with my aunt and uncle, one of the best meals i've had on the road and certainly the most entertaining conversation. i do not belong in the midwest. i'm sure there are lovely things about it that i'd get to know if i had to, but i don't think i'll ever choose to live there. i usually like to take my time on the road, get a little local flavor, but after a few detours on rt 66, i found i just wanted to get to chicago as fast as i could. the tired tourist trinket market on that road is depressing.
now i'm in chicago with some of my very best friends remembering our college insanities. i'm sure glad they're the only ones who know about all that nonsense, it's pretty embarrasing. also hilarious. we drank bubbly and rehashed the past, updated each other on the present, and made invitations for the future. this is fun.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

and so i travel on

i awoke from a bittersweet dream to a man knocking on the door, then entering with a bag in his hand.  he saw me and said hello, not really surprised.  he belongs here i thought.  tess woke up and took his gifts of burrito and coffee, bid him good morning, and he left.  
it's time to go, i slept too late, the light is bright and clear.  i pull on last night's clothes, brush my teeth while she does the dishes and adopt the coffee as my travel mate.  leaving my friends, the people who know and still love me, today i venture out into the southwest, through NM and TX as far as i can get.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

santa fe, good ole santa fe

it's really happening. i'm here in the old coffee shop i used to love, having completed the first leg of my roadtrip. not much has changed since i was here last, at least not at first glance. tess, luis, sophia, chris and i went out last night and had dinner at the chama, then drinks and revelry at the catamount, then because i can't leave well enough alone and neither can tess, we said goodnight to our tired friends, went dancing at willies and ended up with two men on our arms. how i managed to find hottest blackest richest man in santa fe remains a mystery, but this place is charmed you know.
another amazing thing about last night? we had a run in with the cops in which they were actually helpful. we were hanging out in the van across the street from the bar as it was closing and santa fe's finest pulled up behind us, approached with flashlights, and asked us if we were having trouble with the van. i said no, i wasn't going to drive yet. the officer (who was pretty cute) told me he thought it best if i just left the van there for the night because otherwise they'd follow me and pull me over. he was right, i had no business driving, i had to give him that. the fact that he was interested in not getting me in trouble was refreshing. i thanked him, and we set off on foot for a while.
i slept in the van last night in downtown santa fe and it was very peaceful. this place is different in all ways than denver. i love it so much, i sang it a song this morning. and so it remains the only place i've considered home. i will be back someday...

Saturday, September 13, 2008

the plan revealed

it feels like i have giant weights on my shoulders keeping me from doing anything. i've accomplished so little in the last week, i'm ashamed of myself. even though everything is fairly good and going according to plan, i feel like shit. i don't know if it's the seasonal change or just the stress of moving and tying up loose ends, but nothing seems worthwhile. my best times are at work when i know the job i have to do and i have people to talk to while i do it. i never used to be like this. i always liked my time alone and was productive in it. i guess i'm just in a gloomy spell.
meanwhile, i think it's time to reveal my plan for winter. some of my loudmouth friends have already spilled the beans, so i see no point in keeping it under wraps anymore. after my next great american roadtrip, i'm hopping on a plane with freyja and landing on a caribbean island. yes, i do know where i'm landing, but i may not stay there, so suffice it to say i'll be somewhere in the caribbean for winter 08-09. i have a friend from denver who is moving there too and will be there ahead of me so i will have a place to stay when i arrive. i have no idea what i'll do once i'm there. this is my gift to myself after 30 years of harsh winters, and 7 months of vandwelling.

Friday, September 12, 2008

entering exiting

today is the birthday of the newest member of my clan--shannon and george had a baby girl today! perfect, healthy and luckily a virgo. seems like all my friends either have kids, are pregnant, or intend to be soon. guess that's normal. i wish i could be there to see her little face. she is not named yet...might i suggest lydia as an enduringly beautiful title for a lass? someone ought to name their kid after me, that's for sure.
there are joys and woes that come with leaving, and i understand now why some people choose not to say goodbye. it's hard when everyday is filled with friends and acquaintances expressing their disappointment and sadness at my leaving. i feel lucky to have this problem, i know it means i'm well loved, but the depression is still lurking in the corners of every waking hour. it's the time of year too, i always get sad when fall comes. i haven't accomplished much in the way of packing my van this week. i'll be doing it all last minute as usual.
good news on the kitty--she doesn't have stones. it looked that way in the x ray, but turns out they were calcifications on her ovarian stumps, whatever that means. so she just has a nasty urinary infection again. this time she's on a broad spectrum antibiotic, which i don't like, but hey it's better than surgery.
i had the good fortune to reconnect with one my very dear friends, kodiak, who i haven't seen in over a year. he breezed into town just in time to catch me, and being around him was a reminder of the lessons i learned with him--mostly that a healthy relationship consists largely of respect, communication, and self-knowledge. we truly appreciate each other and that is so refreshing. i need more people like him in my life.

Monday, September 8, 2008

last minute affairs

when i set my leaving date, things always get interesting. last night i went to dinner with bob, a customer from the restaurant who really likes me and the rest of the staff. two of my servers, my boss and his girlfriend went also and we drank two magnums of sake, ate countless plates of sushi and sashimi, and finished up with the most delicious banana cream pie i've ever had. bob picked up the tab which was well over 500 dollars. pretty decadent treatment for a "homeless" girl. i knew he had sort of a crush on me, so i expected him to make a move at the end of the night which he did. we sat in my van and i told him my freedomvan story (though i didn't tell him about this blog), and he expressed how envious of my life he was. we discussed how anyone can have what i have--freedom from debt, no obligations, ability to travel wherever and whenever they want, they just have to either be very rich or give up all their possessions and live in a van for a while. when he made his move, i gently rebuffed him and he retreated elegantly. he is quite a gentleman after all, and only slightly younger than my father.
as i was driving home, i decided to stop at this bar i like to write letters in sometimes because one of the bartenders is rather attractive. he was there, working the door for the "blues jam" in his motorcycle jacket and heavy boots, his careless just barely mohawk resting perfectly atop his boyish face. i've been known to fall for this type, cue the ex-boyfriend slideshow. the scottish guy was also there in full garb--kilt and all. this fellow likes to chase me around, giving me high fives and buying me drinks. i intended on just one, but had two and a half by the time it was all said and done. i talked to the cute one when i could, and learned that he'd just broken up with his girlfriend and was back on his dad's couch. he must've seen something in my eyes when he revealed that information and the flirtation began in earnest. i'm only here for one more week. he's newly single. might as well make the best of it. for the second time that night, a gentleman walked me to my van, but this time i welcomed his advance. a short series of kisses preceded a phone number exchange, and i drove home on a cloud. not bad for a sunday...
today i woke up reluctantly to a cold and cloudy monday. not my favorite, to say the least. i've been rather depressed all day, just not sure how to proceed with getting all this crap taken care of. i made a commitment to take all the clothes i'm getting rid of to buffalo exchange, take the books to capitol books, take everything they don't take to the salvation army. i reorganized my van so that my scooter can fit inside for the trip. and now i'm stalling at the coffee shop for a while. david bowie is making it better.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

wrapping up

my friends are the cutest. something about sailing away forever makes them love me more. maybe this is why i leave so much. since i announced my plan to leave denver in less than 2 weeks, i've heard from friends almost daily, many of which i haven't seen in years. i'll be going to santa fe, that little city i love, first to see the dear friends i made during massage school, and then heading toward chicago to see my college friends. i miss them so much! tonight the two gemini twins i got into all sorts of trouble with left me a voicemail which made me laugh out loud on the street while i was wrapping up my tattered belongings and lashing them to my scooter.
my friend bruce, the 8-track guy, gave me the most awesome portable 8-track player i've ever seen today. it looks like swiss cheese. he didn't want me to be in my winter home without a way to listen to my collection. i was showing it off today at work, just beaming and dancing around, but no one really cared. i don't think most people see the coolness of 8-tracks.
freyja had a relapse of urinary troubles, and i took her to the vet today. seems she's got two stones in her ureter that are causing infection and pain. i got her tested to the tune of 440 dollars and i await the results to see what i'm supposed to do. i'm uncertain what the right path will be, as i cannot afford an expensive surgery. i'm scared. whatever happens, she's coming with me, and i'll do what is in my power to make her comfortable. i wonder if my lifestyle is too stressful for her?
in one week, i'll be done with my job. i got my life insurance check which allowed me to pay off all my credit cards and have a few thousand dollars in savings. i've arrived at the first goal of freedomvan! this plan actually worked. i'm amazed.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

two weeks notice

i get nervous about quitting jobs, i don't know why. perhaps it's a carryover from my work ethic, and saying "i'm quitting" doesn't fit in my mind. but, on occasion, it must be done, and i did it today. mister bossy pants was real nice about it and started drinking shortly after i told him. it turned out to be a fun night filled with bottles of wine, jokes, stories, and the beginning of the good bye process. i will miss this place, i have had fun here, and there are things i love that i'm leaving behind. i've been sort of melancholy today thinking of the paths i'm eliminating, and it's good to recognize their merit. soon enough i'll be excited about my winter plan...soon enough i will reveal it in all it's glory.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

mama i'm coming home

last night my boss sent me home from work because he started an argument with me based on his opinions of my personal life. i asked him to walk away, or stop talking to me, but he kept at it, just digging for an emotional response. finally, i caved and got angry, told him he was an asshole and to leave me alone, at which point he ordered me to take the night off. i did. this came at the tail end of my fast and i was feeling really clear, so i spent some time really evaluating my situation. i don't need to stay here. i am so close to my goal that it's fairly inconsequential if i decide to leave in 2 weeks or in 6, so i've decided to leave earlier rather than later. why stay here and undergo mistreatment by a chemically imbalanced boss when i can just go to my hometown? my mom said she could use some help with the bed and breakfast and the office, and though i haven't talked to my brother, i bet he could use me at his restaurant too. these are all jobs i have done before, and though they don't pay as well as my current one, at least i can be spending time with my family while i'm doing them.
tuesday i will put in my two weeks notice. looks like my plans got moved forward yet again. i'm really excited and happy to be in the final countdown.
winter plans are coming together. i got a note from my aunt who is finishing up her alaska trip (in her rv of course) welcoming me to come to arizona for the winter, and an email from an uncle telling me of his plans for the fall/winter which include a visit to the slabs (in his rv of course). though my burgeoning plan doesn't quite line up with either of them, i hope our paths will cross in the meantime. do you think this wanderlust is in my blood?
the next two weeks, i'll need some strong selling luck as i unload the last of my unwanted belongings and pack up the chateau for it's maiden voyage. at long last!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

some good news

after a rough couple of days, i'm feeling positive about my situation. who cares that i got kicked out? i needed to leave anyway. yeah, it's messed up and probably not technically legal, but i have to face the fact that the authorities don't want to see me. out of sight, out of trouble is my new motto. and it wasn't my fault they were there, it was my crappy landlord's fault because the place was overtaken my weeds. i'm setting my sights on new horizons and taking steps to make the rest of my time here worthwhile.
here's the good news:
1. freyja is all better, the anitbiotics took a while to work, but she's back to normal now. she's getting along well in her new surroundings, staying at terri's has been really easy.
2. i had a fun weekend wherein i cooked out with several friends of mine and drank too much wine. we danced to some 80's music and then chilled out to morphine (the band not the drug!) as the hour got late. i even stole a kiss from one of the hosts. john angel P.I., the large spotted fish who lives alone by the tv, already had a docket on me, but now it's a little juicier. ahh, perfection still exists.
3. living with terri is fun. she really needs the company and i'm learning alot from her about life. her stories are various and mostly horrible, but this is the life that created her. i understand how she got where she is, and that's the beginning of friendship.
4. today was day one of a five day fast that i'm going on with my friend from work. time to clean out the system and gain a new perspective. i'd been eating anything and everything for a while and i just want to start over. the "master cleanse" is a simple (not easy) way to do that.
5. i've been going to yoga 3-5 times a week for three weeks now and i feel like a much more balanced person. since the van dwelling adventure started, i haven't taken care of myself like i should. now i'm changing that.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

get out--part two

yes, it is illegal to live in your van, at least that's what the officer told me, and he assured me that if i refused to vacate the premises (which i believe means that i would still be living in a van, but not in his direct line of vision) he would arrest me. i haven't been threatened with arrest ever before, it's so strange how you can wake up one day and get arrested for being where you are. i made very little fuss because i didn't see the point, i was leaving in 10 days anyway, so i just moved my moving date up. i called my slumlord and he acted like he had no idea what was going on. i don't suppose he paid any attention to the notices the city sent him about the lawn violations. he felt bad about what happened, because i'm probably his best tenant, but he's in shit up to his armpits already with all the violations and didn't offer much in the way of explanations. he mostly just wanted me to tell the cops i wasn't living there, that i was just storing my stuff there and happened to spend the night in my van. he must have known that renting that spot to me wasn't legal, but i wasn't interested in lying for him. i'm just glad this happened now and not two months ago.
i have a much better sense of how much stuff i have now since i had to move it all in an hour. three boxes to get rid of by various means, three boxes of things i have to fit in the van, my massage table and massage chair, tools, cat, scooter, bike. not bad, but there has to be some arranging to be sure. the city code enforcement team watched blankly as i carried all my stuff across the alley, speaking spanish they thought i couldn't understand. i wonder if they told their families about me at dinner. crazy white woman. this week is the first week i've started to think about being sick of living in a van. i'm not there yet, and i think it's mostly due to being stuck in one place, i need to DRIVE the van to enjoy it more, and avoid the problems of being too visible.
for now, i'm crashing at terri's place, she was luckily ready for me and didn't mind. i slept in her house last night and it was weird. it's not like i haven't slept in a building lately, i did it on vacation, but this was different. i was "home" but not in my van. i'm anxious to be gone from here. october first is a definite. destination, still unknown. two probable paths, plenty of room for improvisation.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

get out--part one

i am watching a roach crawl across the wall in the office at work, ick.  i am wondering if someone will bust in and catch me on the computer.  i am one more step closer to leaving--yesterday i got kicked out of my parking spot by the police.  they said it was illegal to live in a van.  they were called there on a grass and weed violation, probably by the tenant that was being evicted by my landlord.  so, i'm out 10 days earlier than i thought.  there is more to the story which i'll share, maybe later tonight...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

the short term plan

i have to be out of my spot in less than 2 weeks, this is cool because it's giving me another chance to be even more prepared to hit the road. i want to stay in my city until at least october first as that will allow me to have the funds i need, so that leaves the question of september. while i don't need a "place" since i live in my van, my neighbor terri has insisted that i should crash with her until i'm ready to leave. so, that's what i'm gonna do. it'll give me a place to get organized, and a place to sleep while i get my van checked out and all ready to roll. also, i'll be helping her with the rent which she really needs.
i don't know what to do about and address when i leave. i suppose i'll just pay all my bills online, but i don't know about personal correspondence. maybe my mom will be able to forward it to me wherever i may roam. what do you think mom? i've had a pretty heavy amount of letters coming from a certain institution in PA and i don't want that stream to be interrupted. i would just keep my po box and forward it somewhere, but the post office where i have my box is closing! on september 30th. yet another sign.
work has been better, the money is ok, and next week there is a huge convention in town which should give us a fairly large turnout.
as the weather shifts toward fall, my creaky gears are slowly engaging.

the news

it's all been very strange lately, and i'm taking the good with the bad, trying to determine which reality i'm in.  i don't want to be an asshole, and i don't have to be the best, just want to do what is morally correct.  the most communication i've had with eric has been on this blog and i wonder why.  am i impossible to talk to?  well, it seems like he's found his peace with the situation and for the record, eric is a wonderful man full of love and very giving, like he said.  just didn't work out in the fairy tale sense.  so that's the reality.  i hope he's doing exactly what he wants to do with his days and if i'm not a part of that, then so be it.  i can accept that i wasn't the best thing for him, and i think he's forgiven me for that too.
i have less than two weeks before i'm out of my parking spot, and i've made significant progress on paring down my existence even more.  lots of things just go in the trash, it's easy and most of it is not worth worrying about.  i made a few bucks selling clothes at buffalo exchange and i'll take some more books to the store that buys them, then all i have is a few items to sell on ebay and i'm done! it's all contained in my van at that point.  
my boss tuned up my scooter today, which was arguably the nicest thing he's ever done for me.  i didn't ask him to do it, he just wanted to and so he went to the parts store and worked on it for an hour or so.  pretty cool.
my cat's not better, i'm still feeling lonely, and my plans are still nonexistent, but i think it's all gonna change in the next 3 weeks.  at least, i'll be out of debt at that point.  the culmination of one of my dreams...

Sunday, August 17, 2008


i am no longer wallowing in misery which is a big improvement. still sad, still a bit confused, but ready to do the next thing. last night i went out with someone i've known for a while and we made a connection that surprised me--i always thought of him as kinda crazy with no sense of balance, but i learned that there are some terribly sad stories behind him, stories that made me feel like what i was going through was bearable. he's actually doing fine when you consider where he's coming from. we consoled each other (he's also in a weird relationship situation) and closed the bar down, then went walking through the city in the rain until 4 am. i felt like a teenager, like the world was being washed and i could be new again, if just for a moment in time.
some good news today--i sold the old van!! for what i was asking for it!!! thank you randy and stacie, i am so relieved to have it sold and cash in hand. now i can pay off two credit cards and that leaves only one more bill to pay off before i'm totally free. wow. i'm so close the day i've been dreaming of for months. maybe years.
i finally hung out with my other neighbors today, bob and larry. they are totally awesome dudes who have a sweet bachelor pad across the alley from me. they welcomed me like a friend and i drank a few beers with them while we watched "the last waltz", hands down the best rock movie ever made. robbie robertson is so damn hot! bob heated me up a bowl of his homemade chili which was soooooo good, and we sat around and laughed at each others jokes. they are so funny it made my guts hurt so i'm definitely going back soon. i could use a little hilarity in my life. they said to come over any time, since they'd more than likely be partying.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

if i could edit the past...

eric wrote a letter in the comments on my last post. i'm devastated, and don't know what to say. i don't feel like i was horrible to him, but apparently i was and that realization makes me doubt who i really am. everything i say must be selfish, everything i did to him must have been wrong, i must be a rotten, evil woman with no heart. why did he love me? why did he want me? where did i dive off the path of love and become a wretched failure?
i don't know what i can do. he's already lost faith in me completely and is now publicly shaming me. all i wanted was to have some time with him, but he knew that and that is just what he won't give me. it's always something, some appointment or he's out of town or he doesn't feel good, and that's fine, i don't want to be annoying, but he's had time to buy a motorcycle, and apparently a new truck, and see his other friends. friends who loved him good enough. the favor he asked is minimal, it's no big deal, and i am perfectly happy to do it, but he never answered my calls or texts when i sent love and desired to know how he was. suddenly when he wants something, he texts me. i'd like to believe he didn't get my calls, but i know better. he's punishing me because i didn't love him the way he wanted in the past.
i failed him. i am sorry. eric, i wish you would just talk to me instead of this. if what you want is for me to feel awful, then i do. if what you want is for me to have been someone else, then i'm sorry but i can't. i am who i am.
it's been raining for over 24 hours, a rarity in colorado, and i am soggy with life, with sadness, and wondering what kind of person i really am.

Friday, August 15, 2008

october one

the guy i rent the space from called me and told me i have to be out by the first. he's going to build a garage there so he can charge more for it. it's ok because i live in my van and i don't have to care if someone doesn't want me there anymore.
freyja has a urinary tract infection and i took her to the vet today, antibiotics for ten days and i hope for the best.
eric doesn't want to hang out with me, he just wants favors and it's ok because he's dying and so i better not complain about the way he treats me.
it's raining and the pigeons are making death threats because i'm sitting under the only cover at the library at 2am.
the next road i take is my own. i will break promises to myself, and will surely disappoint others. i've decided what is next and am moving that direction.
october 1, the chateau launches.

Monday, August 11, 2008

turquoise eyeshadow

i've been going to yoga almost every day and today for most of the class i had a brainstorm of ideas for what i'm going to do next. none of them totally satisfied me, but i came up with a general direction. i'm going to have to make some money over the winter, not much, but at least 500 a month, that could be done in 2 days a week or less bartending, so that should be easy. but what i realized i needed today was something i hadn't thought of in a while--i want to be part of a larger group of like minded people. somewhere i can learn something valuable, like a yoga center or an ecovillage, or i don't know what but i'm sure they are out there. i once did a volunteer program at kripalu yoga center in western massachusetts, it was a life changing, heart opening experience and while i don't feel the need to recreate it, i'd like to do something equally as amazing.
i feel like a stranger today, anonymous and faceless to the people who see me on the street. i've lived here for 18 months and still nothing has really hooked me. i've tried to get in touch with eric, but he's back to not answering my calls or texts. and i didn't see him last week like i though i would, he had a bunch of appointments and then was not feeling up to it. i'm deeply sad that he's so sick and i just want to be around him. he used to help me feel like i belonged here, and i used to make him crazy with my projects and ideas. there was always a little teasing involved in our exchanges, like just when one of us would forget about this stupid song we'd been singing, the other one would start singing it "chocolate rain..." oh god, that made me nuts!
it's a strange juxtaposition of familiarity and loneliness that induces my need to depart. a feeling i've come to recognize as part of my pattern. i've tried different reactions to it, leaving, not leaving, reinventing myself, reverting to old habits, and no matter what i do, it returns. it's not a bad thing, and i'm accustomed to it, but i'm not sure what it's trying to teach me.
i had an uncanny urge for turquoise eyeshadow, so i bought some and i'm wearing it. for those who know me, this might seem out of character. i guess my character is changing.