my self-esteem has taken a hit, and though i intellectualize that it shouldn't be happening, i can't stop it. did i really forget that moving somewhere is painful and difficult? did i forget that my career track guarantees absolutely nothing, so i always start from ground zero? these things look like blessings when they're in the future, but now i don't want to be going through them. at least not every day, but there's no escaping the challenges i face here. the truth is, i love to travel because these experiences sharpen me, but the sharpening means i have to shed parts of myself, and i just keep getting smaller until when? until i'm a useless scrap of metal? i'm ready to recycle myself already. i want to start over, melt down my components into the sea of components, and become something new. transformation.
in many ways i feel just like a child, only it's not cute anymore, it's kind of sad. maybe that's why i like being around animals so much, they don't judge me and they don't allow me to judge myself unfairly. i know my life is no less fulfilling than alot of lives, but i catch glimpses of others who i perceive to have so much more. i wonder if the things i've given up to gain the things i have were worth it. a regret path that is fruitless, i know.
do i classify my life so far as a success or a failure? tonight, i just don't know.
desert heat/small doge/blind faith
3 days ago