Saturday, December 20, 2008

oh, whatever

my self-esteem has taken a hit, and though i intellectualize that it shouldn't be happening, i can't stop it. did i really forget that moving somewhere is painful and difficult? did i forget that my career track guarantees absolutely nothing, so i always start from ground zero? these things look like blessings when they're in the future, but now i don't want to be going through them. at least not every day, but there's no escaping the challenges i face here. the truth is, i love to travel because these experiences sharpen me, but the sharpening means i have to shed parts of myself, and i just keep getting smaller until when? until i'm a useless scrap of metal? i'm ready to recycle myself already. i want to start over, melt down my components into the sea of components, and become something new. transformation.
in many ways i feel just like a child, only it's not cute anymore, it's kind of sad. maybe that's why i like being around animals so much, they don't judge me and they don't allow me to judge myself unfairly. i know my life is no less fulfilling than alot of lives, but i catch glimpses of others who i perceive to have so much more. i wonder if the things i've given up to gain the things i have were worth it. a regret path that is fruitless, i know.
do i classify my life so far as a success or a failure? tonight, i just don't know.


Anonymous said...

You're ok! At least you have the ability to precisely describe how you feel in a new place without knowing anyone. I'm incredibly familiar with that feeling. You balance it against all of the other options, and you're still out at sea. Should you do the same thing forever, or roll the dice on a new and possibly better situation? You don't want to miss your chance.

It hardly matters what you decide. You think that if you brought some friends, it'd all be better maybe. But friends don't usually pack up their cats and move to islands. You think it'll be better when you get a job and get settled. It probably will. But in the meantime, you've got weight and wait.

I hope things get better. You're cool. You'll probably be in a better mood very soon. Soon as ya call me, in fact.


Anonymous said...

Well, keep letting the pieces of yourself be whittled away until your ego is all gone, then you do not have these problems anymore. That is what the eastern sages taught me anyway. I found it to be true. People cannot wonder why I am such a failure and they wish they were as happy as me. :^) And when I tell them there is no me left to be happy they walk away.

Any transformation you make will carry with it the same problems. Do not transform, revolt from the whole process of becoming.

If you are into organic farm work let me know, there are plenty of WWOOfing opportunities on the Big Island and I have an old list you can work off of.

Anonymous said...

You are such a good writer - have you ever considered free-lance writing? It seems there would be a market for your ideas/experiences.

Some of your melancholy is probably due to being away from everyone you know at Christmas. I wish you had gotten that serving job....sigh

The Traveler said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Traveler said...

I'm sorry to hear that you are having trouble finding a job :( I agree with Chris's earlier comment about Craigslist, there are tons of cash jobs on Craigslist right now for the area I am at. Good luck & Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Obviously you are not a failure. You have made many choices, and you have successfully enacted them. You tend to succeed at whatever you put your mind to! This is not to say, though, that everything you choose is ideal for you.
I think your statement about 'sharpening' is revealing. You certainly have grown and transformed yourself in many ways over the years. But growth and transformation are not ends in themselves. One grows toward. One transforms into. To the extent that you haven't had a clear and consistent picture of what you wish to become, is probably the extent to which you feel lost. It isn't about what 'a lot of people' think or are, it's about what you think or are. But, in my opinion, you will never know what you are by looking inside. Internally you are nothing, or alternatively you are whatever you think you are at any given moment, which amounts to the same thing. You don't discover great truths by looking inside, because you always discover exactly what you put there.

To that extent, i agree with Mr. transcendentintellectualBuddhist. But I also think it's bullshit that we should whittle away our ego and try to become nothing. You are something and you must be something, and you must take responsibility for your own life and become something, no matter how great or small that something is. The only question is, where does your telos come from?

If your insides are less than helpful, then you have two options... other people or God. Other people, it seems to me, aren't always the best guides, but they certainly can help you get your bearings and tell you about your own strengths and weaknesses. The problem with other people is they often tend to tell you what they would have you do, or what they think is best for you, but why would they be any better sources than your insides, since they don't even know how you feel at any given moment.

God then seems to be the last place to look. But it obviously can't be the God inside you, for this is synonymous with the internal you. So it must be an external God, but is it a transcendent God? If it is a God that is so transcendent, then how could you know anything about this God, much less find guidance? If you are to know anything about this God, or yourself, then this God must make godself present in this world in such a way that you can find direction....

If only there were a God that lived on earth and showed people how to live by setting the example. Feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, etc. Such a God would show us how to become more Godly by becoming more fully what we are - Human. Showing how we can become more fulfilled without denying our finitude, without destroying our distinctive gifts. Ego and all.

stranger in a strange van said...

well wishers, you've made me feel well. chris, we are so alike, it's dumb. nomad, i'd love to take a look at your wwoofing resource. anon, i have a hard time accepting praise about my writing, but thank you. sonja, i need that luck! second anon, very thought provoking post, i would like to hear the voice of that earthly god, give him my number if you see him.