Monday, June 30, 2008


yesterday i met my neighbor teri. this is the first neighbor i've met and i've been there 4 months. do i qualify for my hermit badge? when joe was here, he talked to her for over an hour and she gave him her phone number to give to me. i called, she came over and got a tour of the van, then i went to her house and met her very cute dog named faith, an all black chow mix with a black tongue. teri lives in the basement of a very old house, and there are things she lives with--a kitchen sink that doesn't drain and every so often spits up black sludge (been like this for 3 years), and the bathroom and spare room have no electricity (8 months), but the rent is cheap and aside from never fixing anything she says the landlord is the nicest man you ever met. to get around these obstacles, she uses the utility sink in her laundry room for dishes, brushes her teeth in the dark and only uses the spare room to store a dining set she never uses. the place is sparse, clean and cared for. everything is old and the wood paneling paired with the basement window light give it a melancholy air. she wants to rent the spare room to me for 150 bucks a month, partly because she could use the extra money for bills, and i think mainly because she feels bad for me. living in a van has such a stigma.
i'm considering it because from a financial standpoint i'd be better off--my parking spot costs more than she's asking for, and i pay for a yoga membership to take showers. i'd like to keep going to yoga, but i could cut down the plan and buy a package instead of unlimited monthly access. i'd also have a kitchen, toilet and laundry at my disposal. i've learned to live without these things pretty well, but to have them at no additional cost just makes sense.
i encountered some resistance from myself to the idea. i like being a vandweller. i like the privacy of living alone. i like my little full time camping experiment. but, the reason behind this venture is to live on as little money as possible so i can get out of debt quickly. if this situation provides for my needs equally or better for less money, then it doesn't make sense to pass it by. i wouldn't have to make any commitments, just month to month renting, so i could take off as soon as i wanted for my winter of warmth.
hmmm...i will wait to see how this shakes down and make a decision soon.

Saturday, June 28, 2008


in the time that has passed since my last post, i got a new job and quit it already. i actually thought it would be fun, and not too hard, but i really don't have time for it. yesterday i worked for 5 hours at a sandwich shop delivering sandwiches on my scooter. it was great to be outside riding around all day and the people i worked with were super cool. then i went to work at the bar all night and by the time i was done i was totally spent. i used to work doubles all the time, but i think i might be getting too old for it. i realized that the time i spent at the sandwich shop could be better utilized and better paid by getting another massage client or two. also, my friend jess is going to be walking dogs for her friends company and i was instantly envious. i'd rather my second job was not in a restaurant, and if i'm going to work two jobs in one day, one of them has to be less than 4 hours. so, i'm keeping my eyes peeled for opportunity.
i'm going to nap in the van before work on this cloudy day and dream up a new vision of success.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

the truth about e

since eric is no longer in my life--he hasn't contacted me in well over a month, i feel i don't have to guard his privacy anymore. maybe he moved, maybe he died, maybe he just doesn't care and doesn't want to explain why he doesn't want to see me. the last time i saw him was when jess and i moved my stuff out of his house. i didn't tell him i was getting it all, but he figured it out fairly quickly. he just played darts and didn't ask any questions or offer to help. he had already shut down by this point, i'd been feeling the cold shoulder for a while. when i had it all packed in the vans, i went to say goodbye and he told me some very unsettling news. he had a testicular tumor and was having it biopsied to see if it was cancerous. at that point, he didn't know much, just that he may or may not have cancer. pretty much hanging off a cliff, which is where he left me. over the following days and weeks, i tried to call him as much as possible, and wanted to see him and be supportive. he rejected my every move. i told him i'd leave him alone if that's what he needed, and didn't call him for a while, but then he never contacted me. since that break, i've tried calling a dozen times, at his work, at home, on his cell. he never answers which leads me to believe he isn't working, and isn't home or at least screens my calls when he's there. i don't know why he is doing this. i think in part it's to hurt me because i didn't love him the way he wanted to be loved. i don't know if what he told me is true or if it was part of a plan to cause me suffering and dump me in the worst possible fashion. i don't think he was that cruel, but at this point, i don't feel like i knew him at all, so anything is possible. it's been weighing heavy and i don't know how to resolve it. i know none of his family or other friends, he was very private and i don't think he had many friends. he deleted his myspace page. he hasn't logged into his okcupid account since may 5. he is gone and i don't know where to....

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

earthship dreams

last night i watched the earthship movie. the innovation and exploration that has taken place since these were conceived is incredible. using tires filled with dirt for walls, colored bottles for stained glass effects, growing food in the living room, harnessing the winter sun for heat. if i wanted a house, it would be one of these. i only want a house if it creates it's own energy and deals with its own waste. none of this slavery to the utility companies. none of this flush away un-reality. in my own limited way, i'm trying to create that for myself now. i'm still miles away from being off the grid, but i'm closer than ever before. i just hope to be ready for whatever comes my way in this life. i feel that radical changes are rapidly approaching and i want to be a capable and valueable community member. it's the only way i see to stay somewhat comfortable when the shit hits the fan. at this point, i can be the go-to lady for information on living in vans, healing massage, 8-track repair, and toaster oven cooking. it's a start i guess.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

van cat

freyja is a van cat. she understands that the van is her home, but also the spot is her home so if we are there, she can get out and do whatever, but if we're somewhere else, she's got to stay in the van or very close to the van. today i had two massage clients and i do mobile massage, so i had to load all my stuff up and take the van out, but it was going to be HOT and i can't park in the shade at this clients house, so i decided to leave frey at the spot. she was out of the van when i started it and joe checked to make sure she wasn't underneath when i pulled out. i was unsure how she'd feel being there without the van, but it was time to find out. one of the things that made me realize she might be ok staying there without the van is that she's been pooping outside in the dirt and is therefore not litterbox dependant. i was nervous still. i went to my appointment and ended up being very glad she wasn't inside because my client had to move my van while i worked on his wife. i would not like to explain why there is a cat in the van, thank you.
when i returned home, she was hiding in the space between the storage shed and the fence, all stealthy. the only giveaway was her fur sticking out under the fence. i parked the van and she rolled up to say hello. no problem. van cat. awesome.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

neighborhood news

happiness is a good cup of french press coffee, a solar shower and a man who knows how to make cars run on water. my friend joe is here, we just filled up all his cubies full of grease to power his veggie car by cover of night and now like a mad scientist, he's building a hydrogen on demand system for my van. it's all about reducing dependence on petro chemicals. he's done some networking in the neighborhood as well, i don't know how he does it, but he's already met two of the people who live across the alley from me and they apparently think i'm cool. they've been looking out for me and watching my stuff and that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. i thought everyone thought i was a weirdo, but the truth is they are worried about me. joe talked to terry, the woman who lives across the alley with the big black dog and she even offered to rent me a room in her house for the amount i'm paying to rent the space for the van. she said the neighbors all wonder about me, but they like me because i'm quiet and respectful. hmmm, i guess i have some street cred in the hood. cool.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

going down

why are the most fascinating people also the most fucked up? seeing their patterns unfold and hoping they will change for the better is a constantly new drama and i'm riveted. perhaps there's a deeper logic at work, and those that are always evolving and changing are also those who take risks and make bad decisions and are therefore more interesting than those who seemingly have it all together. i have loved many people in my life, and i must say that those who struck me most deeply are those who are in peril. through drug abuse, alcoholism, and other self-destructive behavior i've felt the highest highs and lowest lows in loving them. at this juncture, i find myself wanting to love someone who's been through it all and is striking a balance, like i feel i am. i can't be with someone who's lived a sheltered safe life, i'd be bored and they probably wouldn't want my damaged goods anyway. i can't be with someone who is raging with addiction, that's crazy monotone behavior that gets old too. i want someone who's been there, who's explored life and all it's mysterious corners, who's been bitten a time or two but became more whole because of it. and most of all, i want to find this person where i am. i know people who are this person, but they aren't here. no one is here. the one's who are here don't notice me. i have been calling e for weeks with no response. he may be dead. he may be just trying to make himself more interesting by pretending he's dead. this post has spiraled downward.

Monday, June 16, 2008

whats on my mind

i'm sitting here looking at some ridiculous art about how the republicans and democrats are all part of the same sad system of power for the rich, and while i agree somewhat with the messages in it, the art itself is just bad. it's marker on posterboards and the message is so obvious and sarcastic as to erase all nuance or subtlety. it offends my senses. i really like nuance and subtlety.
i got things done today--went to the dmv and got the van titled and registered in my name, and talked to joe on the phone. i plan to make a few more friend calls today and do my part to catch up. i spoke with sarah a couple days ago and i think part of my migration path will include being in western washington with her and luis. it's so helpful to our minds to have each other to look at instead of just seeing our own face in the mirror. i feel like a better person when i'm around them, and that can't be ignored. the more immediate plan is to figure out just where i am wintering.
what i really need this winter to be is this--wide open, very little work for money, lots of space for reading/learning/wandering, different from every winter in the past. and when the spring comes, i want a puppy. i've learned that i need so very little in the way of material things, and that has cleared the way for these simple goals to emerge. things that are all possible and not far in the future. if i get my birthday wish somewhere in there, it'll be icing on the cake...

Saturday, June 14, 2008

keeping in touch

i've been a bad friend. i've kinda always been this way though, and i don't know what to do about it. thing is, when i'm around my friends, i have no problem keeping in touch, but when we live far away, i never call. it sucks and i'm tired of it. i do not want to be controlled by a little piece of plastic and metal! it's not scary to pick up the phone and CALL people i love. i got a message from a dear friend yesterday who i haven't seen in over a year and who dropped off the face of the earth for a while, but is back now. and for some reason, i'm sitting here typing instead of calling him back.

Friday, June 13, 2008

results of my efforts

i just got off the phone with my best friend andrew, and as we stumble through our plans and efforts on opposite sides of the country, i feel close to him. he's trying to set himself up to succeed in new york as an artist. there have been things he's done that feel like failures to him and today things seem pointless. i want him to get satisfaction and he certainly has the talent and determination to pull off anything that can be pulled off, but it's enough for me just to know him. just to know who he is brings me joy and if he never achieves a lick of so called success in the business, he has still succeeded in being andrew, beautiful man of my heart. i realize it's the same for me, no matter if my life makes a fascinating story or not, i am starring in the friendships i create, and my work is to be a brilliant part of the lives i'm allowed to be in.
i'm making headway on my goals--getting the debt payed off, reducing my expenditures, selling off my unwanted stuff, and as these things clear from my path of vision, i'm squinting to see what's beyond them. it's pretty wide open out there and that is both exciting and desolate. i know that this struggle is worthwhile because something in me wants to achieve what i've set out to do, but i don't really know why. i had an idea a while back that i am a member of a nomadic tribe, people who migrate like birds or elk to destinations programmed in their brains. and when i free myself of the bonds of the "usual" society, i'll naturally find my rhythm and begin to move in time with my "program". well, i hope that's how it happens. for several years before i began this venture, i'd been asking for guidance and clarity on my life's purpose, knowing that when the answer came, i'd be ready to receive it. maybe, just maybe this is it. at least, it's it for the time being. i don't understand what this type of life will entail, what kind of work i'll do, or where i'll go, but to have a basic framework to begin building on is enough for now.
happy 23rd birthday to my brother. i love you!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

new friends

i had the best time last night with my new friends ben and bruce. they are a couple that i met through my co-worker jess, and they invited me to their monday ritual to celebrate my birthday. we kicked the night off by playing the game "talisman" which is a role playing game that's totally dorky and fun. then the 7 course tasting menu began. we drank chilean wine, ate many fantastic morsels and oooohed and ahhhed over ben's cooking and presentation. really, he's a genius. but, the highlight of my night was learning how to fix 8-track tapes with bruce. he's a real collector and he knows every different type of cartridge and how to fix them all. he also cleaned my player in the van and adjusted it so there is no more cross talk. it seems like rare luck to have found someone so fond of this old technology who is willing and actually eager to help me get my system up and running. as an added bonus, he gave me some of the tapes he has doubles of, so my collection is growing! the most important thing i gleaned from the tutorial was the for the most part when you get an 8-track, it needs to be rehabilitated before you play it. 8 times out of 10 it will need to have the splice doctored up, new sponges, and the wheel cleaned and oiled. the sweet thing is, he's happy to have someone else interested and insists on fixing all my tapes without receiving anything in return. it's enough for him just to know that i will be enjoying music through the 8-track medium.
he's also got some awesome vintage cars--a ranchero and a two torino's which he enters into car shows all the time. i have a feeling i might be donning my old-fashioned dresses and riding in those cars soon!
i'm invited next monday to join the festivities, and i can't wait. i finally have some friends here that excite me! gay men throw the best dinner parties:)

Monday, June 9, 2008

birthday week continues

i tore out the carpet in the van because there was linoleum underneath it and i am SO glad i did! the van seems so much cleaner and all i need to clean is a broom and a wet rag. i also pulled lots of weeds from my parking spot today and the whole place just seems more loved. the city is really beautiful right now with all the greenery and i'm just enjoying life more and more. my parents being here helped me by giving me a sense of place in this world which i knew i had, but couldn't quite find until they pointed it out. i am loved!
this week i've taken 4 solar showers because it's been sunny almost every day. i'm so glad i have that option, it's really fun and i highly recommend it if you have a place you can set it up. i derive great pleasure from being able to provide my own luxuries, and when you live in a van, a hot shower is definitely a luxury. the scooter has also been invaluable to me with the rising cost of gas. it goes 70 miles to the gallon and is really saving my ass right now on my work commute. i will definitely be getting a bumper carrier before i leave town so i can take the scooter with me.
today i'm going to lakeside amusement park with some friends after we cook dinner and drink beer together, it's my birthday celebration part 2. my parents and my friend kree were together for my real birthday and we went to the botanic gardens and out to dinner at a famous colorado landmark restaurant. it was really fun and yes we ate rocky mountain oysters and i felt comfortable enough with my parents to drink a bottle of wine with kree which is huge for me. and now it's time to party with kids my own age. yay!

Saturday, June 7, 2008

mostly about mom

i've barely had a chance to catch my breath since my parents left, work has been crazy busy and i'm ready to trade my left arm for some sleep. i've been thinking alot about my family and going around in circles trying to figure out what's good for me. having my mom and dad all to myself for 4 days was amazing, i don't think i've EVER had that much time alone with them. i notice how much we are alike, and how different our idea of the world/universe is and i wonder how this happens. i'm seeing parts of them i never saw before, or maybe just never appreciated. like how my mom is so generous emotionally, and her childlike curiosity is incredibly endearing. she's a brilliant woman with so many highly developed skills, yet there has never been any pretense or distance from my mother, she's just right there with me wherever i am. there is nothing more comforting than the tilt of her head and her bottom lip sticking out a little when i get all choked up. i sometimes wish i would have lived my life a little more like hers, but i don't even think it's possible these days. there aren't any guys like my dad left anyway... so now i'm bawling in the office at work after midnight just longing for another chance to connect with those who brought me into this world. and laughing at the retarded text my brother and sister in law sent me to welcome me to old. guess i better change that heading to "officially 30".

Thursday, June 5, 2008

in the rain

everything is more dramatic in the rain. i closed the restaurant by myself as i watched the drops splatter on the glass doors. my shoulders relax down my back as i soak up the quiet where a few hours ago there was madness. no one to check my work, i do it for my future self, she likes a clean bar and to be fair, she has enough work to do, i can't leave a mess. i worry about liquor cost, we got the report from april and it wasn't good--around 36% when it should be in the low 20's. wonder if it's me, or did someone steal a bottle or botch the inventory. ah well, i don't really care, i'll be leaving here in a few months. this thought relieves the crunch, my time tested method for dealing with stress i guess...
in a minute, i'll get bundled up and hop on my scooter to go home. the clouds have no intention of letting up, it's rain time in the night. as the water marks my face, i let it wash my sorrows down the street. i'll wake tomorrow with a clean new heart.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

leaving day

a heavy bank of clouds obscures the sky today as if to prepare me for my aloneness.  in a few hours my mom and dad will be taking off and back to their own lives, me back to mine.  this trip has been fruitful and i hope to share many things i learned from it in the coming days, but right now i'm soaking up the last moments.  the basic outline of the story goes: i love my parents because they are strong, good people.  i can't stand them because they are so opinionated.  we have alot of fun together because we share a sense of adventure.  they drive me nuts because we have so much history of conflict.  i want more time with them, but i also want a safe retreat of my own.  
today i go back to work and i'm actually excited to see my coworkers.  they really put on a show for my birthday and i love them for that.  the place  is probably a mess, i better get there early.