Monday, August 11, 2008

turquoise eyeshadow

i've been going to yoga almost every day and today for most of the class i had a brainstorm of ideas for what i'm going to do next. none of them totally satisfied me, but i came up with a general direction. i'm going to have to make some money over the winter, not much, but at least 500 a month, that could be done in 2 days a week or less bartending, so that should be easy. but what i realized i needed today was something i hadn't thought of in a while--i want to be part of a larger group of like minded people. somewhere i can learn something valuable, like a yoga center or an ecovillage, or i don't know what but i'm sure they are out there. i once did a volunteer program at kripalu yoga center in western massachusetts, it was a life changing, heart opening experience and while i don't feel the need to recreate it, i'd like to do something equally as amazing.
i feel like a stranger today, anonymous and faceless to the people who see me on the street. i've lived here for 18 months and still nothing has really hooked me. i've tried to get in touch with eric, but he's back to not answering my calls or texts. and i didn't see him last week like i though i would, he had a bunch of appointments and then was not feeling up to it. i'm deeply sad that he's so sick and i just want to be around him. he used to help me feel like i belonged here, and i used to make him crazy with my projects and ideas. there was always a little teasing involved in our exchanges, like just when one of us would forget about this stupid song we'd been singing, the other one would start singing it "chocolate rain..." oh god, that made me nuts!
it's a strange juxtaposition of familiarity and loneliness that induces my need to depart. a feeling i've come to recognize as part of my pattern. i've tried different reactions to it, leaving, not leaving, reinventing myself, reverting to old habits, and no matter what i do, it returns. it's not a bad thing, and i'm accustomed to it, but i'm not sure what it's trying to teach me.
i had an uncanny urge for turquoise eyeshadow, so i bought some and i'm wearing it. for those who know me, this might seem out of character. i guess my character is changing.

6 comments:

Chris O'Byrne said...

I think you should take a look at Arivaca, AZ. The community here is really amazing, open, and accepting. There are a lot of people who live in buses and alternative housing and most people are willing to help you out when you need it. You could get that part-time bartending job, help out in the community garden for free food, listen or join in with all the music being played, join our new local group (arivacalocal.org) and enjoy the wonderful weather. It really isn't that hot here and winters are delicious. Send me an email (peacefulbirder at gmail) if you want to know more. I've been following your blog for a while and probably found it through the vandwellers group.

Tara said...

I have that cycle too...

I gave you one of those blog awards.

stranger in a strange van said...

thanks chris, i checked out your site, and arivaca looks really cool. i just may stop by on my travels when i leave here and see what's happening.
thanks for the award tara, i think it's safe to say you take the cake for best blog in my book.

Chris O'Byrne said...

No problem, just send me an email if you want to know more. There's a lot going on in this little place from yoga to primitive skills (ever been to Rabbit Stick?) to jam sessions. Peace.

Anonymous said...

Maybe "it" isn't teaching you anything. Maybe you just get a feeling because you want to move... so you imagine the neighbors are against you... that he place is unfriendly... etc. Perhaps you even act so as to make them true.

stranger in a strange van said...

yeah, maybe you are ultimately right anonymous! what incredible insight! i'm speechless with amazement! please, bless me with more of your wisdom!