i've been going to yoga almost every day and today for most of the class i had a brainstorm of ideas for what i'm going to do next. none of them totally satisfied me, but i came up with a general direction. i'm going to have to make some money over the winter, not much, but at least 500 a month, that could be done in 2 days a week or less bartending, so that should be easy. but what i realized i needed today was something i hadn't thought of in a while--i want to be part of a larger group of like minded people. somewhere i can learn something valuable, like a yoga center or an ecovillage, or i don't know what but i'm sure they are out there. i once did a volunteer program at kripalu yoga center in western massachusetts, it was a life changing, heart opening experience and while i don't feel the need to recreate it, i'd like to do something equally as amazing.
i feel like a stranger today, anonymous and faceless to the people who see me on the street. i've lived here for 18 months and still nothing has really hooked me. i've tried to get in touch with eric, but he's back to not answering my calls or texts. and i didn't see him last week like i though i would, he had a bunch of appointments and then was not feeling up to it. i'm deeply sad that he's so sick and i just want to be around him. he used to help me feel like i belonged here, and i used to make him crazy with my projects and ideas. there was always a little teasing involved in our exchanges, like just when one of us would forget about this stupid song we'd been singing, the other one would start singing it "chocolate rain..." oh god, that made me nuts!
it's a strange juxtaposition of familiarity and loneliness that induces my need to depart. a feeling i've come to recognize as part of my pattern. i've tried different reactions to it, leaving, not leaving, reinventing myself, reverting to old habits, and no matter what i do, it returns. it's not a bad thing, and i'm accustomed to it, but i'm not sure what it's trying to teach me.
i had an uncanny urge for turquoise eyeshadow, so i bought some and i'm wearing it. for those who know me, this might seem out of character. i guess my character is changing.
KCHBR day 8: zero in Visalia
2 weeks ago