Saturday, August 16, 2008

if i could edit the past...

eric wrote a letter in the comments on my last post. i'm devastated, and don't know what to say. i don't feel like i was horrible to him, but apparently i was and that realization makes me doubt who i really am. everything i say must be selfish, everything i did to him must have been wrong, i must be a rotten, evil woman with no heart. why did he love me? why did he want me? where did i dive off the path of love and become a wretched failure?
i don't know what i can do. he's already lost faith in me completely and is now publicly shaming me. all i wanted was to have some time with him, but he knew that and that is just what he won't give me. it's always something, some appointment or he's out of town or he doesn't feel good, and that's fine, i don't want to be annoying, but he's had time to buy a motorcycle, and apparently a new truck, and see his other friends. friends who loved him good enough. the favor he asked is minimal, it's no big deal, and i am perfectly happy to do it, but he never answered my calls or texts when i sent love and desired to know how he was. suddenly when he wants something, he texts me. i'd like to believe he didn't get my calls, but i know better. he's punishing me because i didn't love him the way he wanted in the past.
i failed him. i am sorry. eric, i wish you would just talk to me instead of this. if what you want is for me to feel awful, then i do. if what you want is for me to have been someone else, then i'm sorry but i can't. i am who i am.
it's been raining for over 24 hours, a rarity in colorado, and i am soggy with life, with sadness, and wondering what kind of person i really am.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I was full of tears when I read Eric's comments/letter. You should CALL him and apologize.

Sub Girl said...

Although I have never been in a "realtionship" with you I have known you for 12 years and in all that time I truly don't know if I've ever met the person he wrote to (about). I don't know him and I know that you are not perfect. Realtionships are very hard work and both parties need to give it their all to work. I'm sure neither of you gave everything you had. But I have to say I think that just letting it go on both of your parts would be best. Neither can make the other happy.

But know this Lydia, you have always been one of my favorite people. You are a good person. DO NOT ever let anyone make you feel differant. He was venting because he's angry. Let it go, honey. You both need to move on.

I'm so sorry you're sad and that ya'll realtionship didn't work.

I love you, too!

stranger in a strange van said...

anonymous, believe me--I HAVE called him to apologize. in case you weren't paying attention, he never answers my calls or texts. he holds the cards and chooses when we have contact. i would love nothing more than to have a chance to make it up to him, but that's what he won't give me.
heather, thank you for reminding me who i have been, i am so confused by this whole situation and don't know what i'm supposed to do. it's good to know i haven't let EVERYone down.

Anonymous said...

THEORY - Eric is gay. It's not cancer it's HIV.

FACT - "Sometimes God sends people into our lives just for a season and Sometimes he sends them for a Life time. Don't waste your life trying to mix seasonal people with Life time Expectations."

OPINION - You have lots to look forward to and are about to embark on an adventure that some of us can only envy from our non mobile homes.

You're a good person. Don't let anyone make you think any different.

Kreature said...

Hey Miss Lydia...
I know how hard this has hit you. Relationships are sticky and everyone has their own perceptions of reality. I think you are both good people and you are both hurting. My only advice is too let go of it all and jump into the void of your next move.
You are strong enough to stand on your own! Let me know when you have some time...I would love to talk to you! I miss you and you have a new adventure to focus on...Move forward...and the rest will fall in place! I love you!

Jack said...

Lydia,

No need to follow up on sub girl's and kreature's post. They seemed to have hit the basics (relationships are complicated, lettings things go is important, etc...). I think you know that, but it is always nice to hear that from people who care about you and are actually on your side.

While I don’t know Eric and can’t possibly appreciate what he is going through I do know this: his letter was angry, bitter and intended to make you feel like shit. Even when he seemed to express his caring and appreciation for you and the relationship you guys had there was an angry backhanded I-am-dying-/you-are-a-total-bitch/you-should-feel-bad-about-yourself-as-a-person undercurrent. He is angry and wants to make you feel exactly how you are feeling. Remember that.

And who knows. Maybe that’s exactly what he needs right now. There is not one single way to deal with death. Maybe anger, bitterness and being a total asshole is his way of staving off the inevitable. If that’s true, I pity him. All you need to figure out is whether you love him enough to let him treat you like shit.