eric wrote a letter in the comments on my last post. i'm devastated, and don't know what to say. i don't feel like i was horrible to him, but apparently i was and that realization makes me doubt who i really am. everything i say must be selfish, everything i did to him must have been wrong, i must be a rotten, evil woman with no heart. why did he love me? why did he want me? where did i dive off the path of love and become a wretched failure?
i don't know what i can do. he's already lost faith in me completely and is now publicly shaming me. all i wanted was to have some time with him, but he knew that and that is just what he won't give me. it's always something, some appointment or he's out of town or he doesn't feel good, and that's fine, i don't want to be annoying, but he's had time to buy a motorcycle, and apparently a new truck, and see his other friends. friends who loved him good enough. the favor he asked is minimal, it's no big deal, and i am perfectly happy to do it, but he never answered my calls or texts when i sent love and desired to know how he was. suddenly when he wants something, he texts me. i'd like to believe he didn't get my calls, but i know better. he's punishing me because i didn't love him the way he wanted in the past.
i failed him. i am sorry. eric, i wish you would just talk to me instead of this. if what you want is for me to feel awful, then i do. if what you want is for me to have been someone else, then i'm sorry but i can't. i am who i am.
it's been raining for over 24 hours, a rarity in colorado, and i am soggy with life, with sadness, and wondering what kind of person i really am.
Long Distance Hiking Zine #1
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