i went to a beautiful dance party today which lifted my spirits. the best 5 dollars i've spent on this island, the room filled with whirling tattooed torsos bearing very little clothes, a vintage toy themed altar, and the persistent beat of jungle/house/latin/country/all-one type music. there's nothing much for fun for someone like me. i'm a simple creature who just wants to be in a room with people who are having an honest experience. my place as a human in this wild and intriguing lava pile is with those people. it's a place i've found many times in many locations. where the freaks call home.
it may be hormonal, but i've been feeling so self-loathing for the past few days. my blog's not interesting, my body has too much fat on it, i'm not smart enough, i don't make enough money, and it seems like i can't even concentrate long enough to finish a book. this is not like me. i am not scared of meeting life head on, but i've been hiding from people, feeling ashamed of myself for not being cooler. i look to my past and i don't recognize the person i am right now, or i don't recognize the person i was, either way it's odd. i don't consider myself a depressed person, and i don't act depressed when i'm around people, just when i'm alone. i always like being alone, despite this. or i think i do. maybe i'm all turned around in this labryinth. maybe i'm just incubating, getting close to being born and being frustrated that i can't break the shell yet. at the bottom of this heart, i think i'm just lonely. i wish i had you here, and i wish i knew you.
KCHBR day 8: zero in Visalia
2 weeks ago