Monday, December 29, 2008

ecstatic dunce

i went to a beautiful dance party today which lifted my spirits. the best 5 dollars i've spent on this island, the room filled with whirling tattooed torsos bearing very little clothes, a vintage toy themed altar, and the persistent beat of jungle/house/latin/country/all-one type music. there's nothing much for fun for someone like me. i'm a simple creature who just wants to be in a room with people who are having an honest experience. my place as a human in this wild and intriguing lava pile is with those people. it's a place i've found many times in many locations. where the freaks call home.
it may be hormonal, but i've been feeling so self-loathing for the past few days. my blog's not interesting, my body has too much fat on it, i'm not smart enough, i don't make enough money, and it seems like i can't even concentrate long enough to finish a book. this is not like me. i am not scared of meeting life head on, but i've been hiding from people, feeling ashamed of myself for not being cooler. i look to my past and i don't recognize the person i am right now, or i don't recognize the person i was, either way it's odd. i don't consider myself a depressed person, and i don't act depressed when i'm around people, just when i'm alone. i always like being alone, despite this. or i think i do. maybe i'm all turned around in this labryinth. maybe i'm just incubating, getting close to being born and being frustrated that i can't break the shell yet. at the bottom of this heart, i think i'm just lonely. i wish i had you here, and i wish i knew you.


Anonymous said...

I heard something long ago that has stayed with me..."Wherever you go, there you are."

Geographic cures don't work, though they provide temporary respite and distraction. Been there, done that....didn't get the t-shirt.

Gypsy Trader said...

I really like reading your blog. I admire your honesty, willingness to stand "naked" and I enjoy reading your adventures.
If it helps any, I am going through the exact same thing and I've convinced myself it's a winter thing. Dark time of the year, crawling into the cave, self examination, healing ....
Don't be so hard on yourself, you're amazing !
ps, I'm really jealous of the kava bar thing.

Luke said...

Existential despair? *cough* Sickness Unto Death *cough*.

chrisharne said...

At least you're doing something. Since we seem to have very similar thoughts, I have to assume that you're proud to at least be doing something. The list of insecurities was funny. If you didn't have those thoughts sometimes, you'd probably be too wrapped up in yourself. Which isn't so cool.

I told you you'd be happier if you called me. Maybe these temporary insecurities are a sign that you f'd that one up. (I'm obviously kidding. Stay cool, yo.)

The Traveler said...

I wish I was there, in Hawaii! But not dancing, I'm a horrible dancer. Your blog is wonderful. It is just the truth, how we all feel sometimes. At least it is how I feel sometimes. Mixed up, crazy, happy, and discontent all at the same time. :)