Friday, August 15, 2008

october one

the guy i rent the space from called me and told me i have to be out by the first. he's going to build a garage there so he can charge more for it. it's ok because i live in my van and i don't have to care if someone doesn't want me there anymore.
freyja has a urinary tract infection and i took her to the vet today, antibiotics for ten days and i hope for the best.
eric doesn't want to hang out with me, he just wants favors and it's ok because he's dying and so i better not complain about the way he treats me.
it's raining and the pigeons are making death threats because i'm sitting under the only cover at the library at 2am.
the next road i take is my own. i will break promises to myself, and will surely disappoint others. i've decided what is next and am moving that direction.
october 1, the chateau launches.


Puke said...

hey have you read those books i sent you?

zenny1313 said...

guess that saying,when a window closes the door opens,as a reader, I think you should start using your van more often,I'm under the impression you use your scooter all the time,I think you should take a road trip for a weekend into the mountains to make sure your van is road worthy for a long trip,that way if you have, say overheating problem or,transmission slipping,or anything like that nature,you're still in a familiar area for support,anyways wish you the best,looking forward to hearing about your adventures.

Mom said...

You sound so sad. My heart is sad with you.

Jack said...

You sounds like things are coming to some sort of resolution. Defintitely let us know what the plan is and if there is anything we can anonymous and virtual as I am, I've come to care about you.

Take care,


Sub Girl said...

a) Lots of people want you. You are very loved!

b) Eric has no right to treat you like a tool. Yes he may not be well but that doesn't give him any excuses to treat his love one so poorly.

c) Freyja will be just fine.

d) I think it's a good thing that something major is pushing you on your path. You've wanted to start moving & shaking for a while now. VIVA LA CHATEAU!

I'm Chris Harne said...

I'm glad you're getting kicked out. I think it's going to be great for the blog :) This entry made me laugh out loud - you said something very funny. This "zenny" person means well, but he seems to be on a mission to give a blogger an anxiety attack. Please come to Ashland Oregon. It's so beautiful and friendly here, I can only imagine what it would be like with a friend. Van parking is stupid easy here. It's 100% beautiful quiet vistas. I parked right in the public parking area by the creek. All I see are smiles. OK, I wish you all the luck in the world. "Keep it real, dude."

Eric said...

I sat and contemplated saying anything but the more I sit quiet the more upset I become so I will just say my peace and I will be done. I just got back into town and I couldnt hang out because I was not here. I am different and I am a lot withdrawn and its not because of my illness its because of our relationship. I asked a longtime ago not to be included or mentioned in this blog but here I am. I am enclosing my letter below and since so much of my life and what I have to deal with, those things that were once private are internet accessible I see no reason not to just let the way I feel be known and I take my leave... exit stage left... Good Luck in life and in love...

Hi Lydia,

I just got back today and I read your blog and I feel so many things but I guess what I feel most is sadness. You don't get me and I don't get you and I realize that's why we didn't work out. I didnt understand for the longest time why we couldnt just fall in love and be happy forever just you and me. But I got to a point where I accepted the fact that just because we want something or someone doesnt mean we should have them.

Im sorry if i put you out by asking you to do a favor for me. If I knew in anyway you would feel used or as if I were taking advantage of you trust me I would not have asked. I just figured after all I had done for you and all the time we spent getting your van ready to be lived in. The saturdays I spent helping you when no one else was there maybe it was ok for me to ask for that simple favor. I guess I was wrong.

When I met you all I wanted to do was love you. You were so different than anyone I had ever met and you had a way about you that just drew me to you. All i wanted to do was be with you. I knew you had a boyfriend but I was hoping that maybe you would get to know me and decide that I was all you needed and that I could love you enough. But I recall wanting to be with you and you not having time because you were too busy. I recall just being with you and holding your hand and you getting frustrated because i was rubbing yours. I recall whistling and you getting annoyed by that as well. I recall being with you were mean or rude to me because things were not going your way that day but what did I do? I was still there for you.

I was such a caring person and such a giving person and all i ever wanted was someone to care enough about me to do the same. I remember the drawing you gave me that I had to ask you for. I dont know if you ever cared enough to try and get to know me or the things that I liked or were interested in. It never felt like it. I would just give and give and give hoping that one day maybe you would do the same but you didnt. I didnt want big things just maybe a card because you were thinking of me or a letter because you couldnt see me and I was on your mind but i never got any of those things. But I listened to how you wrote letters to your ex and how you were truly soul mates.

I just felt that I was never good enough for you. I felt like I didnt eat the right things or care about things the way that Joe did or have a calling or a purpose the way that everyone else did in your life. I was just falling thu life trying to find my way and was hoping that if maybe we were heading the same way you would care enough about me to let me ride with you. I dont read much but I had always hoped that would be something that you would get me into by maybe sharing your favorite book with me or maybe one you thought would get me excited about it but you never did.

You were right you didnt love me the way that I wanted to be loved but I was still there for you. Until we had that conversation that day that I picked you up at the airport about people in our lives that just seem to take up space and have no true purpose. I learned so many things from you by just watching you and learned to care about so many different things because you shared your exploits that you were on with others sometimes but I dont recall ever once having you take an interest in what I liked or you bringing me over to partake in a view or an ideal that you held close to you or your heart.

I learned over time to keep my distance because you were leaving and I couldnt give me to someone and not know if they were gonna be there when i needed them. I remember how talking to you and telling you that I was always there when you needed me and you saying I shouldnt be because you were not gonna be there like that for me. I learned to keep my distance to not get attached because you were not looking for the same things I was so I didnt want to get hurt.

Im just rambling but I guess what it boils down too is I dont remember you ever making me feel special or that you truly cared about the things that interested me or you going out of your way to make realize how much I meant to you. I never did any wrong to you Lydia and I have never asked you for anything. I never used you or took advantage of you or mistreated you in any way. All I did was care about you until I got the fact that we didnt care about eachother the same.

I am dying but we all are, just some quicker than others. I dont hate you or wish you anything but happiness. i hope you find that thing you are looking for or that place you fit and are whole. I know we are heading down different roads and given who we are I doubt our paths will ever cross again.

I asked you to do that thing for me because I was gonna give someone that truck who has nothing. Someone who is in a bad situation but trying to summon up the strength to leave. I knew deep down inside you would want Bernie helping someone like that. But again i am sorry I inconvenienced you but know that it is for the last time and you can say all the mean things about me that you will but know that you never have to worry about me again...

stranger in a strange van said...

holy shit.