Sunday, August 17, 2008


i am no longer wallowing in misery which is a big improvement. still sad, still a bit confused, but ready to do the next thing. last night i went out with someone i've known for a while and we made a connection that surprised me--i always thought of him as kinda crazy with no sense of balance, but i learned that there are some terribly sad stories behind him, stories that made me feel like what i was going through was bearable. he's actually doing fine when you consider where he's coming from. we consoled each other (he's also in a weird relationship situation) and closed the bar down, then went walking through the city in the rain until 4 am. i felt like a teenager, like the world was being washed and i could be new again, if just for a moment in time.
some good news today--i sold the old van!! for what i was asking for it!!! thank you randy and stacie, i am so relieved to have it sold and cash in hand. now i can pay off two credit cards and that leaves only one more bill to pay off before i'm totally free. wow. i'm so close the day i've been dreaming of for months. maybe years.
i finally hung out with my other neighbors today, bob and larry. they are totally awesome dudes who have a sweet bachelor pad across the alley from me. they welcomed me like a friend and i drank a few beers with them while we watched "the last waltz", hands down the best rock movie ever made. robbie robertson is so damn hot! bob heated me up a bowl of his homemade chili which was soooooo good, and we sat around and laughed at each others jokes. they are so funny it made my guts hurt so i'm definitely going back soon. i could use a little hilarity in my life. they said to come over any time, since they'd more than likely be partying.


Eric... said...

Ok... I thought I was gonna be done with this but for the exact same reason I didn't want to be included in this blog I am here again.

It is so easy for people to anonymously post hurtful and ugly things about people's lives and situations they don't understand. For the record I am not gay and I don't have HIV. And for the idiot that posted that its your type of ignorance that keeps the disease growing and spreading. Its not a gay disease or a black disease or a white disease. It's an issue that affects us all and we should rather than preach and teach the idiocy of the lunatic that wrote those comments, choose to educate so that we can better understand it and if not find a cure then a way to prevent such rampant spreading of a horrible disease.

I hate posting because no matter how you intend to be perceived someone will take and twist around the words or the content of your words.

I can't help the way that I felt and I couldn't stop the hurt that I was feeling. Its so easy for people to stand on the outside and throw stones as well as their opinions and never have taken a step in my shoes. I gave love and it was all I expected in return. Believe it or not I gave all that I had. I got it to some degree but not the kind of love I was looking for. I never once asked you to change Panda and I never would. You are who you are and as hard as that was for me to swallow I did. I don't blame you for anything I been through or am going through right now. You know me and I feel that when the love between two people is real then you don't have to change and you will be accepted for who you are. I always felt that life was too short to settle and if I would have pretended that all was ok I would have been wasting both our times. I want for you what I always wanted and thats for you to be happy and loved. The way that I did but for someone to stimulate in you those things I had no clue about. Your love for the earth for animals as well as the physical. Someone like Joe that you share so much in common with. As much as I wanted to I could never get you excited about those things because I didn't know enough. But I tried to compensate by sending you flowers or writing you poems, or cooking for you and being there for you when you needed someone. I had hoped that you would see by me taking care of you when you were sick or by you putting on a trinket that I got you that you would think of me and feel how much I loved you.

I used to tell you that if you have to tell someone how to love you then what's the point. And I realized over time like we all do when we step back and look at a situation that we are in and not getting what we need that this one was not healthy for me. I have given and people have taken all my life. All I ever wanted was for someone to feel as though I was worth the same. I used to tell you that if in a relationship if I put you first and you put me first then we never have to be second.

I wish you the best like I said. I don't think you are bad or myself good. Life has taught me that like this crazy puzzle all of out pieces are mixed and sometimes we pick up the pieces to other people's puzzles and try to put them in ours and they just don't fit. And wisdom grants us the strength to be able to let go of those pieces that don't fit no matter how bad we want them to.

So on everything I love this will be my last post here. I'm not perfect by any means and if I caused you hurt then I apologize and if I made anyone think any less of you as a person then I apologize as well. When I was reading your blog about the puppy anyone who knows you knows that you took that puppy because in your heart you felt you had no choice. You did what you did and would have suffered the consequences knowing that he lived and there was never an option of doing nothing and there being a chance of letting him die. Thats the love and devotion I wanted but we can't dictate who and what receives that love. But I know that it wasn't meant for me.

You are a beautiful person and the most passionate"Honkey Biiitch"! I know... Thanks for giving me "Virgil's". I think of you everytime I have some.

I hope one day you are able to think of me and smile because you remember me for the love I gave not the mistakes I made.


L:uke said...

soo... a simple yay or nay will suffice about them there books'n'at...

stranger in a strange van said...

sorry, luke i've been a bit distracted, but yes, i'm reading orthodoxy, and i love it. the other one has yet to be opened.
eric, welcome to the world of blogging where everyone is not your friend. it's best to have a thick skin. by the way, can i send the title for the truck somewhere?