Friday, February 22, 2008

the consequenses of truth

it looks like my relationship with E is on the rocks. he sent me a goodbye email and won't answer my calls after reading this blog. i didn't think there was anything to hide here, but i guess i misjudged what his reaction might be. i feel like crap now and wish i'd done things differently. from the sounds of it, he feels like i wasn't truthful with him, or at very least i was insensitive. i feel like while i may not have been brutally honest about where i felt we were headed, i didn't lie or mislead. i've remained largely silent on the subject because i wanted to wait and see what would happen. i'm interested in gathering more information and experience with him. he's understandably hurt that i said things on here to god knows who when i couldn't just have a private conversation with him about it. the thing is, i'm bad at that. i'd rather just get along when we're together, though i seem to fumble that often enough too. in a slightly unconscious way, this was my method of communication. yes, i could have handled it better, more directly, more maturely, but i didn't. for whatever reason, i'm a fallible human being and i'm apparently not very nice to boot.
i'm hoping he will talk to me tomorrow. if he can't stand me anymore, then fine, but he has to say it to my face. i won't be broken up with over a myspace message. come to think of it, this whole thing started on the internet--we met on a dating site. reminds me of the youtube video "text message breakup" hehe.
i don't know where this will end up, but i'm welcoming radical honesty into my life. this is how i feel. in this blog, i reveal. and any discomfort i experience due to it is of my own making. shining a light into my dark corners doesn't make me look good because in fact i'm not a tidy example of my species. i don't make the best choices and you'll probably stay cleaner if you steer clear of me.
seven days to go, and the stakes are being raised. no more cozy little comfort of having a boyfriends house to crash. i'm really on my own.

1 comment:

A Poet Philosopher said...

Hello again, don't be too hard on yourself, we all have flaws. The good news is as we learn about ourselves, we can change. Life is about change, we must always improve and evolve into the person we always wanted to be. Sometimes change is difficult when we find the not so nice parts of our selves. If you want to change, then fake it till you make it. Repetitive positive behavior reinforces the conditioned response. (Pavlovian)