i'm trying to live my life in the best way i know how. so far, i've figured out this means to take care of myself and not be a burden on anyone else, to give support in what ways i can to friends, family, and occasional strangers, and to navigate through the possibilities in life with love as my guide. it is simple, and mostly i manage to be satisfied with my efforts, but i'm having trouble with solidifying my winter plans. being a person who has no commitments, it would seem easy to just make a decision and go with it. but lack of commitment does not mean lack of responsibility, and i feel responsible for visiting people who are unable to be as mobile as i am because i love them and value their place in my life. so how to fit all the pieces together in a satisfying and mutually fun way is confounding me. if i don't drive to the northeast this fall, i won't see over half of the people i care about for possibly a year or more. that's just a fact, my family and a few key friends are there and in the coming months i will have the freedom to make that trip. i have an irrational fear that if i go there, i'll get stuck for the winter, and i REALLY don't want to do that. i have no fear of any other place, or of getting stuck anywhere else, but there are so many factors that could come into play in the northeast. some of which i'm surely not even conscious of. i left that area so i could figure out who i was in a different context. i'm surprised that i have such a strong fear of going back.
the pull of autumn can be felt in the air today. a cool rain with tortured clouds dominates the day and i know i'm about to take a turn on the wheel of fate again. at once terrified and exhilerated, i abandon comfort and accept the wild ride.
PCT SOBO part 5: buttchafe and euphoria
6 days ago