Monday, August 4, 2008

fear and the northeast

i'm trying to live my life in the best way i know how. so far, i've figured out this means to take care of myself and not be a burden on anyone else, to give support in what ways i can to friends, family, and occasional strangers, and to navigate through the possibilities in life with love as my guide. it is simple, and mostly i manage to be satisfied with my efforts, but i'm having trouble with solidifying my winter plans. being a person who has no commitments, it would seem easy to just make a decision and go with it. but lack of commitment does not mean lack of responsibility, and i feel responsible for visiting people who are unable to be as mobile as i am because i love them and value their place in my life. so how to fit all the pieces together in a satisfying and mutually fun way is confounding me. if i don't drive to the northeast this fall, i won't see over half of the people i care about for possibly a year or more. that's just a fact, my family and a few key friends are there and in the coming months i will have the freedom to make that trip. i have an irrational fear that if i go there, i'll get stuck for the winter, and i REALLY don't want to do that. i have no fear of any other place, or of getting stuck anywhere else, but there are so many factors that could come into play in the northeast. some of which i'm surely not even conscious of. i left that area so i could figure out who i was in a different context. i'm surprised that i have such a strong fear of going back.
the pull of autumn can be felt in the air today. a cool rain with tortured clouds dominates the day and i know i'm about to take a turn on the wheel of fate again. at once terrified and exhilerated, i abandon comfort and accept the wild ride.

7 comments:

walkingonion said...

howvhpjYou have to trust your heart on this one, it's one of the best lessons from living on the road. If you're not ready to see them, then don't, you can go there at almost anytime. If you really want to see them, go see them, and when the weather starts to turn, you have a built in reason to leave (you live in a van, you need fair weather!). Bottle up that fear of being "stuck" and put it on your dashboard, open it when you really need it. :) good luck!
PS. I am a fellow van dweller, it's nice to read about your progress, thanks!

Jack said...

Maybe it's the fear of going back to a place that will take you backwards in your development as a person. Maybe familiarity and comfort in the northeast will undermine whatever it is you are beginning to find out there.

J

http://adventuresinvoluntarysimplicity.blogspot.com/

Holding the Empty said...

I'm having a similar struggle with people vs me vs the weather lately. Except I'm already stuck, and I'm trying to get unstuck! I have the freedom to go anywhere I want, and with winter coming up, I want to go south. But there are all these people here (I'm in ATL) that I love, and it's hard to think about going.

stranger in a strange van said...

thanks for the words of encouragement everyone. just putting my fear into words has taken some of it's power away and i'm not so anxious anymore.

Jim said...

If I could make a suggestion - make a firm commitment to be somewhere else at a certain date. For example, arrange to visit someone. Then when that date comes closer, you say to yoursdelf and everyone else who tries to trap you: "I have to leave on "Tuesday", because I promised "Suzy" that I would be at her place on "Friday".

Then stick to that, making sure that everyone knows when you have to leave, and go on that day no matter what comes up.

Visionquest said...

These are all very familiar feelings to me as well. It is easy to get "stuck" at certain places/people. I love the advice given in the previous comments, all very wise. I will be glad to be back on the road myself where freedom rules the day.

Like onion, just a fellow Van Dweller who is enjoying your blog :)

Tara said...

Going east was what messed me up last winter. :(