Thursday, June 26, 2008

the truth about e

since eric is no longer in my life--he hasn't contacted me in well over a month, i feel i don't have to guard his privacy anymore. maybe he moved, maybe he died, maybe he just doesn't care and doesn't want to explain why he doesn't want to see me. the last time i saw him was when jess and i moved my stuff out of his house. i didn't tell him i was getting it all, but he figured it out fairly quickly. he just played darts and didn't ask any questions or offer to help. he had already shut down by this point, i'd been feeling the cold shoulder for a while. when i had it all packed in the vans, i went to say goodbye and he told me some very unsettling news. he had a testicular tumor and was having it biopsied to see if it was cancerous. at that point, he didn't know much, just that he may or may not have cancer. pretty much hanging off a cliff, which is where he left me. over the following days and weeks, i tried to call him as much as possible, and wanted to see him and be supportive. he rejected my every move. i told him i'd leave him alone if that's what he needed, and didn't call him for a while, but then he never contacted me. since that break, i've tried calling a dozen times, at his work, at home, on his cell. he never answers which leads me to believe he isn't working, and isn't home or at least screens my calls when he's there. i don't know why he is doing this. i think in part it's to hurt me because i didn't love him the way he wanted to be loved. i don't know if what he told me is true or if it was part of a plan to cause me suffering and dump me in the worst possible fashion. i don't think he was that cruel, but at this point, i don't feel like i knew him at all, so anything is possible. it's been weighing heavy and i don't know how to resolve it. i know none of his family or other friends, he was very private and i don't think he had many friends. he deleted his myspace page. he hasn't logged into his okcupid account since may 5. he is gone and i don't know where to....

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