i just got off the phone with my best friend andrew, and as we stumble through our plans and efforts on opposite sides of the country, i feel close to him. he's trying to set himself up to succeed in new york as an artist. there have been things he's done that feel like failures to him and today things seem pointless. i want him to get satisfaction and he certainly has the talent and determination to pull off anything that can be pulled off, but it's enough for me just to know him. just to know who he is brings me joy and if he never achieves a lick of so called success in the business, he has still succeeded in being andrew, beautiful man of my heart. i realize it's the same for me, no matter if my life makes a fascinating story or not, i am starring in the friendships i create, and my work is to be a brilliant part of the lives i'm allowed to be in.
i'm making headway on my goals--getting the debt payed off, reducing my expenditures, selling off my unwanted stuff, and as these things clear from my path of vision, i'm squinting to see what's beyond them. it's pretty wide open out there and that is both exciting and desolate. i know that this struggle is worthwhile because something in me wants to achieve what i've set out to do, but i don't really know why. i had an idea a while back that i am a member of a nomadic tribe, people who migrate like birds or elk to destinations programmed in their brains. and when i free myself of the bonds of the "usual" society, i'll naturally find my rhythm and begin to move in time with my "program". well, i hope that's how it happens. for several years before i began this venture, i'd been asking for guidance and clarity on my life's purpose, knowing that when the answer came, i'd be ready to receive it. maybe, just maybe this is it. at least, it's it for the time being. i don't understand what this type of life will entail, what kind of work i'll do, or where i'll go, but to have a basic framework to begin building on is enough for now.
happy 23rd birthday to my brother. i love you!
PCT SOBO part 5: buttchafe and euphoria
6 days ago