Monday, July 14, 2008

can't have it all

a slow simmering sadness crept up on me as i went about my day, doing laundry, eating, calling people, watching a documentary, and meeting my friend kree for dinner and drinks. it's the news from eric, it's the distance from my family and good friends, it's the realization of goals i haven't met. it's a force of my nature that reminds me not to get too comfortable, always be ready to move.
a little girl in baggy shorts plays with a toy bow and arrow set, trying to convince her little sister to hold the target, but the princess says no. trying to train herself to be indian, but it's only plastic. i understand her attempt. i want to be who i am, but i have no cultural reference point. there's no one to tell me if i made it, or if i failed. i'm playing out my own visions, making up my story, but i want for community, for place, for home.
it's days like this that i just want to buy a house and declare a state of being that revolves around one spot on the earth.
i know i'm just looking over the fence instead of enjoying my own pasture, and i bring my focus back to here and now. the moonlit night is a gift of temperate perfection, crickets serenading with cicadas singing backup, a horn honks, a bike backfires, i crack a beer and breathe.


Jack said...

You have NO idea how awesome this post is for me. NONE. I see is all so perfectly; you are where I will be shortly: uncertain and displaced. But I will be free. Is there a way to find balance?

thinking about that beer...


Sub Girl said...

You're so poetic! Check you myspace for my phone number. We'll see you soon!!

Shamana Flora said...

I think you should still come to the Anima center in New Mexico. I'd love to see you there, and you'd find much support there i think.


stranger in a strange van said...

thanks you guys. your support means so much to me, i don't know what i'd do without it.
anima center is definitely in my future, thanks for the reminder.

Don said...

Very wise post. Just do what you can do and relax.

Can't tell you how many times we've advised our daughter of that. But we still have problems with it ourselves! LOL

Good luck with the changes you are making.