Friday, January 16, 2009

what goes around

i'd like you all to go back and read my last post. try to put yourselves in the position of the people i was talking about and realize how they would feel reading it.
i've done that just now, and i don't like how i feel. i have therefore set the new standard for how i want to write this blog--i will write as if the people in it are standing right next to me, whether i know them or not, because that is the reality of the internet. i really didn't think about whether or not they would read it, and carelessly posted a whiny complaint about them. something i would never say to their face because it's none of my business, and not my place to say, but in my own blog, it felt more like a personal journal entry, and that is the deceptive part of the blogosphere--don't ever forget that everyone is reading!
and so, they being who they are, were offended by my last post. so deeply offended and wounded that the only thing they could do was kick me out of their house. i don't mean they asked me to move out. i mean they packed up all (well, not all, more on that later) my belongings and brought them down to my work, dropped them at the front door and in high dramatic fashion told me how they'd 'read my blog' and i was out on the street! my stomach flipped, i was in total shock, trying to remember what i'd said, was it bad? what did i do?! they thought i had 'trashed' them and their kids. they believed i had talked shit about their girls, and were most angry about that, but all i remembered was mentioning their parenting style and how it differed from my upbringing. when i read it today, i realized they must have thought my saying how the girls broke their toys was a dis on the girls. but really i see that as a direct product of spoiling them, not the girls fault. i think they are beautiful kids, bright, curious, with unique styles who have so much potential.
so there i stood, with my suitcases in the middle of my workplace, my jaw dropped, my heart racing, and they told me to 'stay away from them and their house and their family', jerry springer style. by this point, i really wasn't longing to pay a visit, but it all seemed so unfair. was the crime deserving of the punishment? i looked around to try to gain a hold on reality, but i was still wrapped up in the dark anger world, no light-switch to be seen. my sweet co-workers swooped in when they left the store and assured me it would be ok. i was in a daze, didn't know what to do. i punched out, and went to get my car to load up my stuff, and take a break. i called my boss, crying, and told her the story. she offered her house for the night, and i gratefully accepted. she showed me in, gave me linens, some juice, and a tour. a sanctuary in a time of crisis. i called my mom, i called joe, i cried painfully. i just didn't get it.
and then, with creeping significance, i started to get it. this had to happen, i needed to get out of there, it wasn't safe or wise to live there. the owl had given me a warning, and i finally saw what he meant. i had been stifling my opinions, shoving down my inner truth, and putting a nice gloss over the choppy waters of my better judgment in order to keep the perceived financial benefit of not paying rent. this however turned out to be a totally unworthy pursuit. a pursuit like that which is not aligned with my intuition is bound to be sabotaged by my essential self, and the more i cling to it, the worse the scenario becomes. if i had honored and respected my initial hit that i should not be there, this never would have happened. i've become so conditioned to try to be logical that i pushed aside all the clues that would have saved me this embarrassment and pain. to illustrate what i mean by the toxic environment they called home, here is a quote from the comments section of my blog from a few days ago, posted by--you guessed it--eric, the male half of the couple i was living with.

What a brutal ruthless polyanna bitch
this girl sounds like someone who was molested by daddy
truely Scumbag Cunt is not low enough for this piece of dog shit
Attacking innocent children to make herself feel better
what a pathetic semi human being

Kill yourself now and save the world the hassle

after the initial booting me out incident, i contacted them to try to talk things out. i was stunned by their immature, petty response. i thought it wouldn't be too much to ask to have the rest of my things from their house, but the response i got was indignation at the thought that i'd go so low as to try to collect my things, after all i'd done to them. but because 'that's just the kind of people they are', she said she'd bring my food to the store the next day (sounded like a really big hassle), and wouldn't even ask me for the 25 dollars i 'owed' for utilities. i guess all the extra work i put in didn't count toward that, clearly no one even noticed. i may be a bitch, but i'm a fair person, i don't believe in cheating people, or even allowing people to feel cheated. i'd rather just give them what they think i owe them, money isn't that precious. when she came in with some of my food, i gave her the 25 bucks, and the house key back, even though she didn't return my mop, my other jar of peanut butter, my one-cup coffee maker, my laundry detergent, my calenders, or the dress and book they 'gave' me for christmas (a real classy move).
luckily, this is not the end of the story. in fact, it's only the beginning, a rough start to a charmed journey. within an hour of their nauseating public display, i was invited to live in a mansion, for as long as i'd like. free. when a door slams hard in your face, a great big one is likely to open wide right behind you. my new and awesome friends live in a house up on the hill with 360 degree views of hilo and the ocean, a 7 acre property with an enormous lawn, bursting fruit trees, and a trampoline to bounce on and watch the sunset. the house is huge, with 7 bedrooms (one of which is mine with a private entrance, large lanai, cheetah print carpet, four poster king size bed, 4 hundred feather pillows and gold gilded oak furniture), a sewing room stocked with the most elaborate fabric, a grand piano, a massive open kitchen/living/dining room, an ohana downstairs in grotto style with an elegant home theater and sets of french doors opening out on the lawn, all for the enjoyment of us, the people who live here. all utilities are paid, including cable and internet, and all we have to do is mow the lawn--granted it's 12 hours on the riding mower every 2 weeks, but between 3 people, that's nothing. the owner of this house is a wealthy lady who lives on the mainland and is trying to sell the place, but in this market, it's just not that easy to sell a house like this. until then, my friends get to live here and take care of it. and now, so do i. talk about a soft landing from a hard blow. now, instead of just surviving in a cockroach ridden scarcity complex, i get to relax in the lap of luxury until my cabin is ready, or until something better comes along. i'm not ruling out an utterly amazing happening in the next few weeks.
as the days go by, i gain more and more perspective on the situation, and while i know what i did was rude, i don't regret it. i am sad that i am not evolved enough to have prevented this situation by earlier honesty with myself and others. i am sorry i hurt them, that was never my intention. i am still confused as to why this got so blown out of proportion. but i am glad to have a clean break, i don't want to be their friend anymore. i have seen enough.
in the end, i think we all get what we deserve.


Anonymous said...

You dont have kids of your own so you can't know the level of protection a parent incorporates. And its so easy to sit back and judge people when you don't have a clue as to what they go through. And raising kids is no picnic especially in this day and age. You were a bit self righteous in your post before and rather than talk about how good you had it when you were brought up you could have shared those experiences to perhaps help your ex-friends be better parents. You do seem to trash people on your blog especially the ones whose style or actions don't fit or conform to the way you see, do or interpret things. I have read your blog and have celebrated when you achieved and also felt pity when you don't seem to get the things that are right in front of your face. But I chalked it all up to life because in the end thats what it is. We live and we learn. What that guy said to you was not right but at a moment when people feel disrespected and if they feel you disrespect their helpless kids the gloves will come off and the claws will come out. So in retrospect you should realize that you were wrong. And the internet is the last place for secrecy and feelings and thoughts that you don't want shared. I mean you write to an audience and it is intentional and it is true even on the internet some things are better left unsaid. I will probably get flack for this and some of your friends might say means things in your defense but ask any of them with kids how they would feel if you wrote that blog about and if honest they would tell you they would react almost the same. We love our kids. Wait until you see that piece of you so fragile and so easily impressed and you would give your last breathe making them safe and sheltering them from harm. You were wrong and rathering than gloating and amplifying the things that are material and accomplishments of others because obviously thats not what you are about. Just take the lesson learn from it and move on.

Heather said...

You know in a few ways I agree with Anonymous. People are very protective of there kids. And rightly so. However it seemed to me you were criticized their parenting skills not attacking the kids.

However the way they reacted says ALOT about the kind of people they are. The things he wrote were ridiculous! So immature. And an insane over reaction. Kill your self?! Really? I would not in the slightest dwell on this. Mistakes were made on both fronts. It seems to me that you will be better off.

Congrates on the new pad!

stranger in a strange van said...

yes, i don't have kids and so i can't know what that's like, but i've been around alot of parents including my own, and some are better than others, that is undeniable. i was wrong to write that post the way i did, i know that. i apologized to them, but they had already decided they would prefer i was dead. i am trying to approach the situation with humility, realizing i did them wrong. there is really nothing more i can do. i think expressing my opinion in my blog is fairly benign on the scale of offenses, it's not like i threatened them or actually came close to doing any harm to the kids. him telling me to kill myself over that is unwarranted and pathetic, and i take it as a threat, it's not just 'not right'. i don't want to trash people on my blog, that is never my intention. what i have to learn is that sometimes i do just that, and i am disturbed by my lack of good judgment in those cases.
i'm still trying to grow up right.

thanks for offering your viewpoint. i agree with you totally, and that's what i am already doing.

Reamus said...

"growing up right" is something you seem to be doing. not sure this pair is worth any angst at all. whatever the transgression, his /their immature and idiotic responses seem unwarranted.


your friend from Ithaca said...

oh girl!

I may not be the best advice giver, and I certainly don't have kiddos, but I say write like no one is watching!

Well, let me add a word of caution to this. Write like no one is watching and get out what you need to, but save it as a private draft if you feel it might be offensive, give it two days and re-read it, then edit out the explicit!

There's a lot to be said about editing out the obvious and leaving it to the reader's imagination to add physical depth to you words.

But certainly do get your feelings out in writing for yourself and for your growth as a writer. Re-reading after a couple of days have passed always offers useful perspective on dealing with situations and the way you illuminate them.

You learn about how to keep growing up right from your writing. For goodness sake's though, do not write like the people you are writing about are standing in the room with you! Bad idea.

carrot quinn said...

Anon- if you have the guts to leave such a long-winded, critical post, have the guts to use a name, ok? You don't have to be ashamed of the way you feel.

This story is amazing! And so many props to you for leaving the post up and letting the learning process be transparent, so we can all share in it!

I feel like i have so much to say about this!

Down with logic! Up with intuition, and listening to ourselves!

Did you know that when I first started my blog, I used it as a place to trash my boss? And she found it, of course, because there is some twisted rule of the universe that states that the one person you DON'T want reading your blog, will be the one to find it. And I was humiliated! I'd already quit my job, but then I left early. And I was so ashamed about what I'd written, I went and took down all the posts! And from then on I only ripped people if I felt, truly and honestly, that I would say the same things to their face.

I also like to practice saying really intense things to people's faces.

Because whether or not I say it, it's the way I feel. It's REALITY. And when I admit my reality, it makes me feel like I'm that much more grounded, that much more in touch with myself, with the earth, with all of humanity- and life just gets better and better and better. And sometimes peoples' feelings get hurt, but hey, it's not my problem if they can't handle reality. There's such a wierd taboo in our culture against "hurting peoples' feelings", and instead we just shit-talk them, which is such a terrible, destructive thing to do. I don't shit talk the people in my life. If I have to shit-talk them, I cut them out of my life. The end.

On the other hand, I've been thinking about putting the shitty posts about my boss back up. Because they're really fun to read! And it's all water under the bridge, now.

But enough about me. This post is amazing! And you found such a better place to stay! It sounds like your sitch would've ended badly anyway, your blog just brought it to a head nice and quick.

At least your job is wonderful, and your coworkers are supportive!

I have a few tips to make your blog more readable, ignore this if you find it annoying- can you make your font a little bigger? And put space between your paragraphs?

I'm going to read your blog more often from now on.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with Anonymous to some degree. It's inpossible to judge anyone's parenting style until you have offspring of your own, even if you've "been around a lot of parents". Everything changes when you have kids- EVERYTHING. What you said you'd do before, what kind of parent you swore you'd be-- it all goes right out the window because everything is different. And sometimes that old rule rings true- if you can't say something nice (when you know people are listening/watching!) then don't say anything at all. There's no need. For example, your ex-boyfriend specifically asked you more than once to NOT mention him in your blog and yet you completely ignored his wishes and said all sorts of things....and then you seemed confused when he stopped talking to you.
That being said, your previous housemates' reaction to your post was out of hand, to say in the least. It's understandable they would be irritated, but the things they wrote about you are inexcusable. Indeed you are better off not living with them, and it sounds like you have a pretty sweet situation going on at the mansion. One thing that nobody can take away from you-- you are smart, resourceful, and you can take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

and, incidentally, MUST take care of yourself; since you alienate any help you might get.

Anonymous said...

Font size is one thing, but I don't know about this Times New Roman.

I try not to write stuff that the people in my life would be offended to read. It's avoidable while still being honest. I try not to rip open anybody's reasonably expected layer of privacy. What you said wasn't so bad, but saying it behind their backs seems to have changed the perceived severity. When I read your last post, I thought about how I'd be annoyed if it was about me and I was unable to respond at the same volume. But if I was annoyed, I'd probably still be able to communicate with you maturely (though, according to these Anonymouses, if I had kids, I would apparently be more likely to act like an asshole for some reason.)

I try to live with a "fuck drama" policy. It's been working fantastically. You started some drama, then they stepped in and cranked the level way up. C'est la vie, you crazy motherfuckers.

Keep it positive, dude.

kymber said...

yikes! this kind of stuff makes me soooooo angry!!!!

it was only a few days ago that i got p*ssed off and went on a bit of a rant on Voluntary Simplicity Jack's blog. and now i find myself doing it again!

let me try and get right to the point here:


you can write whatever you want here. if i don't like it or disagree or think you are full of sh*t...then i don't have to read it!

yes your blog is publicly-accessible. yes your friends can find it if you've told them about it. but for the love of gawd - this is YOUR writing and thinking and feeling space and no one should tell you how to use it, what to write or what to think!

and the public at large should treat it for what it is....a diary of sorts. a place for you to express yourself and grow and learn.

don't let anyone censor you! and don't let anyone tell you what to think, feel or write!


stranger in a strange van said...

thanks for your input. it seems like the worse/more intense things get in my life, the more response my writing gets. i'm getting sick of the anonymous annoyingness though, it's like the writing scratched into the high school bathroom stall. your advice is always welcome here, i have alot of respect for you and how you've handled your experience.

carrot quinn said...

Stranger- you've got an anonymous troll tagging up your blog, being inflammatory, and ripping into your faithful readers, and I think you should delete their comments. You can also turn the comment moderation on, and get the chance to delete them before we have to be attacked by them.

kymber said...

rats! i wanted to comment to that troll! oh well...probably better that i don't...(dang! i had some pretty harsh words for that dude!)

Anonymous said...

I am one of the Anonymous commentors; I have never done it before and wasn't sure what the protocol was/is. Stranger-- you said that you're getting sick of the anonymous annoyingness, but since I don't know your name then why should you know mine?

stranger in a strange van said...

i don't need to know your name. i don't mind anonymous comments as long as they are thoughtful and actually have something to say. a disproportionate number of 'troll' comments come from anonymous posters, and that's what i find annoying. if you are going to be a tough guy and say something cruel and hateful, then have some accountablilty such as a name to go with it. i find it cowardly to hide behind anonymity to say dumb shit.
besides, no one said you have to put your real name here, just whatever you want to call yourself on the internet is fine with me.

Tara said...

I clicked to tell you how awesome you are and I'm going to ignore all the comment drama. I love how you handled this and left the post up and acknowledged what you'd done wrong and evolved and didn't kowtow to the abusive comment. I could (should) learn a lot from that. You are so awesome! When I met you I was so impressed with the way you handled yourself, and every time I read here you are even more awesomer. And now you live in a super mansion with a piano for free! You're a master manifester!

stranger in a strange van said...

aww, tara--you've been inspiring me for a long time with your fearlessness and capacity for dealing with criticism.
thanks for the encouragement. i really need it.