this week has shifted many layers of belief that i've built up over the years, and it's time to reevaluate. i used to think of myself as someone that got along with everyone, and always treated people with respect; now while this is true in some instances, it's not true in others, so it cannot be actually true.
for example, when i was a little girl, age 9 or so, i was on board the bus leaving my very christian school, wearing my puffy pink corduroy coat, when i saw my music teacher walking by and flipped him the bird. there was no real reason that i can remember, only a generalized need to have more free time, a less restrictive education, and of course it was winter so everything sucked a little. i didn't really want to tell the guy to fuck off, and though i laughed when i did it, mostly out of nervousness, the look on his face disturbed me. i knew i had crossed the line, but only after the fact. my subconscious had violently surfaced and overrode my better judgment.
later, at the same school, when i was about 11, i went into the school library with a few friends and we hauled out the unabridged dictionary, looking through it for swear words and laughing. i decided it would be a great idea to underline some of them and put my teachers names beside them. again, i didn't really think those teachers resembled those words, but i was acting out because i felt like a caged animal. i was trying to discover the world in a place that forbid exploration.
these deeds brought consequences, and the feeling in my gut when i was confronted about them was the same feeling i had this week. i knew i did wrong in retrospect, but at the time i was just doing what came naturally. so my pattern when i'm feeling stuck is to act out rudely toward those i perceive to be in authority. now that i think about it, i can cite many more examples from my past of this very phenomenon. this can now become part of my beliefs about myself, and can therefore be circumvented by careful attention. i have a problem with authority, and i mostly don't need to subject myself to it, if i do decide it's in my best interest to go there, i will be vigilant for clues that i'm reaching the breaking point. just being conscious of its sneaky presence may be the key to overcoming this unbecoming trait.
i want to send out an apology into the ether to all the people i've insulted in this way. and i ask the source of my personality to transform this trait into something constructive.
KCHBR day 8: zero in Visalia
2 weeks ago