Tuesday, January 20, 2009

thoughts on authority

this week has shifted many layers of belief that i've built up over the years, and it's time to reevaluate. i used to think of myself as someone that got along with everyone, and always treated people with respect; now while this is true in some instances, it's not true in others, so it cannot be actually true.

for example, when i was a little girl, age 9 or so, i was on board the bus leaving my very christian school, wearing my puffy pink corduroy coat, when i saw my music teacher walking by and flipped him the bird. there was no real reason that i can remember, only a generalized need to have more free time, a less restrictive education, and of course it was winter so everything sucked a little. i didn't really want to tell the guy to fuck off, and though i laughed when i did it, mostly out of nervousness, the look on his face disturbed me. i knew i had crossed the line, but only after the fact. my subconscious had violently surfaced and overrode my better judgment.

later, at the same school, when i was about 11, i went into the school library with a few friends and we hauled out the unabridged dictionary, looking through it for swear words and laughing. i decided it would be a great idea to underline some of them and put my teachers names beside them. again, i didn't really think those teachers resembled those words, but i was acting out because i felt like a caged animal. i was trying to discover the world in a place that forbid exploration.

these deeds brought consequences, and the feeling in my gut when i was confronted about them was the same feeling i had this week. i knew i did wrong in retrospect, but at the time i was just doing what came naturally. so my pattern when i'm feeling stuck is to act out rudely toward those i perceive to be in authority. now that i think about it, i can cite many more examples from my past of this very phenomenon. this can now become part of my beliefs about myself, and can therefore be circumvented by careful attention. i have a problem with authority, and i mostly don't need to subject myself to it, if i do decide it's in my best interest to go there, i will be vigilant for clues that i'm reaching the breaking point. just being conscious of its sneaky presence may be the key to overcoming this unbecoming trait.

i want to send out an apology into the ether to all the people i've insulted in this way. and i ask the source of my personality to transform this trait into something constructive.


Maitreya said...

At least you are making to effort to examine your pre-existing beliefs and learn from negative experiences. That can never be a bad thing. It is a very important process that makes you more whole.
Whether or not your apology in the ether is heard, know that your thoughts and your process help some of us out here in cyberspace.
Enjoy the ride!

Chris Harne said...

The good news in this case is that you only offended people who turned out to be real fucking assholes.