i am a self help junkie, i love to read books that offer new ways of organizing and dealing with life, and i love to try out new practices that help me feel different about my situation. maybe i would do better to try to actually change my situation, but i don't feel like ever have much success in that department--aside from moving and changing jobs, that i can do. and depending on the day, my mood, and my current self help agenda, i can feel fantastic about the things i've experienced, or feel awkward, sad, and lost. i've come to realize it's more important to feel good about life right now than to always be striving for the things that will 'make me happy'.
my most recent acquisition is called 'finding your own north star' by martha beck, and it's a guide to using your internal sensations and bodily clues to determine what choices you should make in your daily life that will lead you to your destiny. if you find yourself not able to breathe, or clenching your teeth, or feeling sick, then you are headed in the wrong direction. if you feel excited, euphoric, calm or confident, then you are in the sweet zone. it's a users guide to intuition, and it's really easy for me to feel that, but more difficult to actually put it into practice.
it seems i've gotten used to squashing my intuitive knowledge when it interferes with what i planned to do, or if i think it will be 'easier' another way. this sucks because it never really works out, and i just get further and further from the truth of the universe until i'm way off track and have to push the reset button (generally a painful experience). then i'm discouraged at all the time i wasted when i could have been on the enlightened path. this last debacle is a prime example of that cycle. here's what i knew about this place before i came, but declined to trust:
1. it's a magical place where anything can happen. the veil between worlds is thin. whatever you need is abundant, so is whatever you fear.
2. there are the coolest people here. take for example my friend joe who i met here--one of my favorite people ever.
i screwed things up in a number of ways, some of which i can't articulate yet, but the most obvious to me now--i needed friends, and i wanted to be friends with my former hosts, but i always felt like i was walking on eggshells. this was my sign that i was on the wrong track. i should have kept my distance and not gotten involved in their lives, instead i smothered that feeling and hung out with them alot, then ended up acting like an asshole to get out of it. the whole time i didn't even realize what i was doing and that's what i want to avoid in the future. the earlier i catch it, the better. trusting that first signal is paramount. the problem is, i like to be nice, i like to think i can handle anything, i have a hardy constitution that won't be harmed by abuse. but, those beliefs run counter to intuitive living. of course i can oppose my inner voice, i have the willpower to force myself to do anything, but why bother? i just end up making big mistakes. all because i thought i had to hang on to my current situation rather than find a new one at an 'inconvenient' time. well, see how convenient it turned out to be?
so at this time, as i start fresh, i vow to follow my intuition, listen carefully to the guidance i receive, and not compromise even when i want to for the sake of being polite. in the past year i've been rejected many times, so the method i've been using does not save me from rejection, therefore what do i have to lose by choosing another way? my worst fear is rejection, people not wanting me around, and i've had to face it. i won't die from it, i won't even be crushed. trying to avoid it is like trying not to think about it, the more i try, the less success i have.
for those of my readers who believe in god, what i am talking about is god. i don't think 'i' am god, i think that god is everything, and the voice of god can be heard only when i tune in to my internal signals. this is the source of much argument and discussion in religious circles, and i'm sure someone out there is just itching to tell me how i can't believe 'myself' i have to believe 'god', but i'm here to tell ya, you can't have one without the other. i never did and never will believe that god made us so stupid and evil that we can't trust our own bodies, so save your long winded grammatically incorrect comments for another day.
Mogollon Rim Trail day 36: Fin
2 months ago