Sunday, January 18, 2009

self help junkie

i am a self help junkie, i love to read books that offer new ways of organizing and dealing with life, and i love to try out new practices that help me feel different about my situation. maybe i would do better to try to actually change my situation, but i don't feel like ever have much success in that department--aside from moving and changing jobs, that i can do. and depending on the day, my mood, and my current self help agenda, i can feel fantastic about the things i've experienced, or feel awkward, sad, and lost. i've come to realize it's more important to feel good about life right now than to always be striving for the things that will 'make me happy'.

my most recent acquisition is called 'finding your own north star' by martha beck, and it's a guide to using your internal sensations and bodily clues to determine what choices you should make in your daily life that will lead you to your destiny. if you find yourself not able to breathe, or clenching your teeth, or feeling sick, then you are headed in the wrong direction. if you feel excited, euphoric, calm or confident, then you are in the sweet zone. it's a users guide to intuition, and it's really easy for me to feel that, but more difficult to actually put it into practice.

it seems i've gotten used to squashing my intuitive knowledge when it interferes with what i planned to do, or if i think it will be 'easier' another way. this sucks because it never really works out, and i just get further and further from the truth of the universe until i'm way off track and have to push the reset button (generally a painful experience). then i'm discouraged at all the time i wasted when i could have been on the enlightened path. this last debacle is a prime example of that cycle. here's what i knew about this place before i came, but declined to trust:

1. it's a magical place where anything can happen. the veil between worlds is thin. whatever you need is abundant, so is whatever you fear.
2. there are the coolest people here. take for example my friend joe who i met here--one of my favorite people ever.

i screwed things up in a number of ways, some of which i can't articulate yet, but the most obvious to me now--i needed friends, and i wanted to be friends with my former hosts, but i always felt like i was walking on eggshells. this was my sign that i was on the wrong track. i should have kept my distance and not gotten involved in their lives, instead i smothered that feeling and hung out with them alot, then ended up acting like an asshole to get out of it. the whole time i didn't even realize what i was doing and that's what i want to avoid in the future. the earlier i catch it, the better. trusting that first signal is paramount. the problem is, i like to be nice, i like to think i can handle anything, i have a hardy constitution that won't be harmed by abuse. but, those beliefs run counter to intuitive living. of course i can oppose my inner voice, i have the willpower to force myself to do anything, but why bother? i just end up making big mistakes. all because i thought i had to hang on to my current situation rather than find a new one at an 'inconvenient' time. well, see how convenient it turned out to be?

so at this time, as i start fresh, i vow to follow my intuition, listen carefully to the guidance i receive, and not compromise even when i want to for the sake of being polite. in the past year i've been rejected many times, so the method i've been using does not save me from rejection, therefore what do i have to lose by choosing another way? my worst fear is rejection, people not wanting me around, and i've had to face it. i won't die from it, i won't even be crushed. trying to avoid it is like trying not to think about it, the more i try, the less success i have.

for those of my readers who believe in god, what i am talking about is god. i don't think 'i' am god, i think that god is everything, and the voice of god can be heard only when i tune in to my internal signals. this is the source of much argument and discussion in religious circles, and i'm sure someone out there is just itching to tell me how i can't believe 'myself' i have to believe 'god', but i'm here to tell ya, you can't have one without the other. i never did and never will believe that god made us so stupid and evil that we can't trust our own bodies, so save your long winded grammatically incorrect comments for another day.


Anonymous said...

You've learned nothing! If you check your own blog I am sure you will find more than a few errors in grammar and punctutation. Focus your energy on the things that are important and stop attacking people because of the way they think and feel. If you don't want comments or people's opinions then turn off your comments or sort through the ones that make you feel special and delete the ones that allow people to think for themselves and sometimes disagree with what you say and form their own opinion. And for clarity and perspective this whole blog is anonymous, no one knows who is who and if we did what would be the purpose? Is someone gonna be beaten or whipped because they disagree with you or the majority and form their own opinion. This is life, its full of people who disagree but civility is supposed to a means to ensure you are not ostresized or made a pariah because of your opinion.

Anonymous said...

Yes, if I hear one more person say "All is one" and then tell me have have to "fix myself" I am gonna go nuts. If all is one then anywhere I go is still moving in the same "one", yes? The self help stuff can be crap mostly because they have you moving from one conditioned person to a new conditioned person and both of those people are in the realm of thought. And so you just end up with a new person who needs protecting. But that Beck lady sounds like she has it, anyone who say "just listen" is on the right path.

I have learned from the Buddhist practice that as you see how the thinking/judging mind works it tends to drop away, and your mind gets silent and your intuition gets very sharp. The call it clear seeing, or clairvoyance.

Do you need friends or do you want friends? Do you need friends like you need food or shelter? I think seeing need and want in operation can short circuit the tendency of us to compromise and stray from our true nature.

Then you start to see how others operate (know yourself and you know the world). That family was pissed because you were talking about their parenting skills when you said; "i don't know what it would have been like to have parents such as these. i'm grateful for how i was raised".

To me, I would take that as someone offering me an insight I could have missed and I would question myself to see if it was a truth. But worldly people become defensive and put up walls and cast people out of their kingdom. :^) They are probably fine people but I think you are on a different path, a path that many of the world cannot understand.

Oh, I will be in Honolulu tomorrow!

carrot quinn said...

stranger- please delete the troll's comments. I get troll comments, and I delete them. They're horrible, cowardly, and are meant to piss people off, not educate.

Anonymous said...

I have read and enjoyed two of Martha Beck's earlier books - "Expecting Adam: A True Story of Birth, Rebirth, and Everyday Magic"; and "Leaving the Saints: How I Lost the Mormons and Found My Faith".

However, after reading those books, because they were so compelling (she does have a way with words and telling a story) I wanted to know more about her. Wikipedia doesn't paint a very nice picture -

and it seemed to me after reading that and doing more internet research that she is pretty messed up. Maybe she discusses all this in her North Star book - just thought you should be aware.

Fever Kate said...

I think your blogger friend Carrot is my old dumpster diving friend Carrot. Such a small world this is!
I love to picture you in your Hawaiian mansion. I wish I could be there to see you and this magic adventure you are creating for yourself. I admire your tolerance for public criticism, but I hope you know how meaningless that stuff is, and how much your are loved by people all over your traveled path.
p.s. I got a Facebook! Like the kids these days are saying, "facebook me!"

stranger in a strange van said...

ah ha kate, i wondered if you two knew each other, being from portland n all. thanks for the boost, at least i know i'm loved more than i'm hated! and those who love me are proven to be the awesomest people ever.

Anonymous said...

The good news in this case is that you only offended people who turned out to be real fucking assholes.

Anonymous said...

The good news in this case is that you only offended people who turned out to be real fucking assholes.