a lone excursion turned into a family affair, the kids and parents joined my day or rather took it over. it's not awful, but i'd really rather be alone. i am critical of their parenting, lack of discipline, and what i see as general boringness, but there are moments of pure heart, nuggets of beauty in their punk rock mess. i don't know what it would have been like to have parents such as these. i'm grateful for how i was raised, even as i thank my lucky stars i'm not still there with them. solid conservatives, my parents could always be counted on. i never worried about how they would react, never wondered what hell would rain down on me if i got caught, i knew.
this discontent boils down to my not wanting to be here doing all the chores anymore. it sucks to live in such chaos, trying to make order out of it, but not really being allowed to make change. they don't want change, and i don't want to live in insanity. which is why this arrangement works so well--i stay here as long as i can stand doing things their way and when i can't stand it anymore, i get my own place. i don't mean to paint them as difficult, really they're just different. i like peace, quiet, order, calm, clean, relaxing, private. they have two young girls who get and later destroy every toy ever made, play rock band till all hours, like punk rock, and never do the dishes. it's not a great fit, and is therefore temporary.
knowing that i have my own little cabin waiting for me on february first is both wonderful and frustrating. i want to be there now, cleaning, sweeping, playing beautiful music, pulling weeds and growing vegetables. i want to wear prairie outfits, baking bread and blending essential oils. i want to start 'songbird herbs and oils', my new cottage industry, putting labels on little brown bottles and dreaming up ways to put magic in them...
but today, i'm still in this life, and my new favorite thing is is is......snorkeling! we went to punalu'u black sand beach where the sea turtles hang out eating seaweed and sunbathing, and i borrowed a snorkel to get an underwater look. amazing, these creatures are incredibly beautiful, their shells covered in sea moss, they look like moving rocks from afar, then up close they eye you and subtly keep their distance while still managing to not be standoffish. i was touched, her arm a perfect paddling device gently brushed my thin skinned fin, and she looked back, nonchalant, then floated on.
hours passed, the tide rose and we continued on to south point, the southernmost tip of the united states. there were fishermen and fisherwomen, local boys with tattoos jumping off the old boat pulley, 50 feet down into the deep turquoise ocean. california girls doing it too, and climbing up the rusty ladder back to the top to go again. i wasn't so brave, and besides i was too wrapped up in the sinking sun, glittering across the blue miles, making my hair lighter, my skin darker, my heart happier.
on the ride back i nodded peacefully, barely noticing the vog and the asinine lyrics of sublime in my ears.
desert heat/small doge/blind faith
1 week ago