Thursday, February 5, 2009

aaaaand....scene.

it was a day of thought, reflection, arguing with myself, and a painful caffeine headache because brilliantly i decided to get unhooked on coffee on the worst possible day of the month. i'm not smart. i am probably dumber due to choices i have made and therefore cannot blame my genes or anything but my own poor judgment. file that under 'lessons learned'.

i took a hot bath, steam rising gently feathering the candle's flicker. i fell into a light trance, drifting around in the ether of emotion and memory. after i cried, i thought 'what the hell is wrong with me?' why do i claim to dislike conflict and then go about creating it at every turn? am i that desperate for attention from my family that i have to go about making trouble just to start a conversation? and the answer, i guess, is yes. sheepishly i had to admit that. i'm involved in a constant battle between wanting to engage with them and needing my distance. i make arguments because otherwise we have nothing interesting to talk about, not all that much in common, and i'm not satisfied with only seeing each other at holiday gatherings and spouting small talk. i also don't want to have to hide what i do and my real feelings about things. i feel like, at some point in life, a person should be able to be their real self in front of their family and not have to fight about it. i've seen it happen in other families, so i know it's not unheard of. but, every time i try i regret it. it's better to stay hidden, quiet, unknown, though clearly i'm no good at that. i embarrass myself constantly.

right now, i'm going into the passive stage of it, pulling back and shutting up. i know the aggressive cycle will come back around again, and i have to decide how to handle it. i know this all stems from wanting to communicate, but i must be too dumb to figure out how to do it without being a total ass.

i'm going to take a break from blogging. it's been a compelling experience to write my life on the overhead projector, but it's getting too hot on this plexiglass, and my mistakes pile up faster than i can correct them. i'm going back to the old pen and paper, i have some things i need to work out.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

If you want 2c from a random reader and fellow ex-vandweller, your attitude and bravery have been an ongoing inspiration.

While I’m sure everyone will respect your decision to stop writing, I know for one I’ll miss it. I’ve learned a lot of positive things from your trials and insights over the past year. Frankly, knowing that people like you are out there makes the world a better place.

Whether you keep blogging or not, my sincere advice is “don’t change who you are”. Maybe you’re not perfect, and you can’t keep everyone happy all the time, but I suspect way more people have drawn strength and inspiration from you than you realize.

Maitreya said...

I agree. You are an inspiration to many. Good luck working things out. Keep questioning. Pen and paper has never failed me. Maybe you write on paper, and post parts you think are appropriate after you sleep on it and re-read it.
I will miss your updates...

Bon Vivant said...

Don't Leave! You're correct about your experiences but the answer doesn't lie in avoidance but in careful blogging. Else you'll never blog again and we can't bear that! :-) One trick I use is to sleep on every email so I don't say things I shouldn't. Try it, I guarantee you'll like it.

Bon

curious dingo said...

You will be missed, why not try anonymous blogging? kill two birds with one stone (get your thoughts out there, don't offend any of your relatives, and at the same time you'll save a tree or two in the process)

Best wishes to you, and thank you for blogging so honestly

Dx

John said...

I tend to go through the same things with family, but the beauty there is that if I had those exchanges with anyone other than family, I'd probably never talk to them again. That's what they're there for.

Good luck

interested said...

You are a wonderful writer. When describing your experiences your prose evokes mental pictures that produce that "ah...I am there, I can see it!" feeling in this reader. That's something that is not and never has been easily achieved via words - but especially remarkable in this age of picture-filled blogs and video driven media.

I hope you continue blogging about natural beauty, the land, your experiences, etc...

My interpretation (and I have been reading your blog for a long time) is that your family may not embrace all your decisions or beliefs but they embrace you. You reject a lot of what they believe but you do not reject them - in fact, you have stated many times that you love your family. How is your family's failure to agree with some of your beliefs any different? My guess is they approve your creativity, perseverance, sense of adventure, financial responsibility, can-do attitude, etc...

Jack said...

Don't stay away too long.

Also, just do your thing and let everything fall into place.

J

http://adventuresinvoluntarysimplicity.blogspot.com/

Kreature said...

I really share your sense of engaging and hiding from your family,though i don't know them. I have always felt like the "black sheep" in my family, because I made choices they couldn't relate to. At times I am saddened that I don't feel accepted or part of the crew. The ironic part is my family is on there way to Hawaii as we speak for a family vacation; grandma, grandpa, my aunt & uncle, my two cousins, her best friend and his wife. I wasn't even asked...so it does feel like there are consequences to my actions, yet I don't know how to get back in.

I too agree with, too much information for too many people. Pen & Paper...sleeping on it are all good ideas. Our emotions are so raw when we are in them, to give them reflection later, can only broaden the view.

I love you and miss you and hope you continue to update us...

and most of all; I wish my stupid family would have invited me to Hawaii so I COULD SEE YOU!!!

CHRISTIANS!(just kidding people that was sarcasm..don't freak out!)

Shannon said...

Been "keeping up" with you through this blog. If your are truly returning to pen and paper, send me that address I asked for awhile back. just text it to me if thats easiest. geo said last month that he wanted to be writing letters and I agree with him about the romantic notion of old fashioned correspondence.

S

Tara said...

Oh man, that sucks for your readers. I hope you enjoy not blogging tho...

click clack gorilla said...

This line: "i feel like, at some point in life, a person should be able to be their real self in front of their family and not have to fight about it," made me think a lot of some conversations I've been having lately. I have recently taken up a policy of blatant honesty. When my grandmother went into an alzheimer's home, her kids found her journals and read them. All she had to say was how much they had done wrong and disappointed her. I'd rather that my family, if they're going to hate me, at least know about it before I'm dead. So now I've exchanged pats on the back (I was very good at pretending to be someone else) for worried emails about how the way I'm living will probably kill me. It's a weird transition, but worth it.

Anyway, the point is, enjoying the post. Virutal though it may be, I always see blog posts as a kind of conversation, and the more of those the better.

The Sundance Life said...

Hey don't stop blogging, I'm really enjoying getting to know the "real deal" here. I happen to like you just as you are.

Julie