it was a day of thought, reflection, arguing with myself, and a painful caffeine headache because brilliantly i decided to get unhooked on coffee on the worst possible day of the month. i'm not smart. i am probably dumber due to choices i have made and therefore cannot blame my genes or anything but my own poor judgment. file that under 'lessons learned'.
i took a hot bath, steam rising gently feathering the candle's flicker. i fell into a light trance, drifting around in the ether of emotion and memory. after i cried, i thought 'what the hell is wrong with me?' why do i claim to dislike conflict and then go about creating it at every turn? am i that desperate for attention from my family that i have to go about making trouble just to start a conversation? and the answer, i guess, is yes. sheepishly i had to admit that. i'm involved in a constant battle between wanting to engage with them and needing my distance. i make arguments because otherwise we have nothing interesting to talk about, not all that much in common, and i'm not satisfied with only seeing each other at holiday gatherings and spouting small talk. i also don't want to have to hide what i do and my real feelings about things. i feel like, at some point in life, a person should be able to be their real self in front of their family and not have to fight about it. i've seen it happen in other families, so i know it's not unheard of. but, every time i try i regret it. it's better to stay hidden, quiet, unknown, though clearly i'm no good at that. i embarrass myself constantly.
right now, i'm going into the passive stage of it, pulling back and shutting up. i know the aggressive cycle will come back around again, and i have to decide how to handle it. i know this all stems from wanting to communicate, but i must be too dumb to figure out how to do it without being a total ass.
i'm going to take a break from blogging. it's been a compelling experience to write my life on the overhead projector, but it's getting too hot on this plexiglass, and my mistakes pile up faster than i can correct them. i'm going back to the old pen and paper, i have some things i need to work out.