financial reckoning

time for a finance assessment.

when i left denver 7 months ago (wow, it was that long!?), i was debt free except for my student loans which go on forever, and an outrageous hospital bill from when i had the flu and went there for 3 hours to get gatorade and saline in my vein. i even had 4000 dollars to start my tropical adventure with, but by the time i got here, i was already several thousand in the hole. now that my cat is out of jail, and i have several jobs, i am no longer accruing any debt, and it's time to come out of emergency survival mode and face the truth, i'm in debt again. it's not as bad as last time, certainly, but i marvel at the ease with which i let myself slip into buying things i couldn't afford. the momentum of my adventure took precedence over my desire to live a cash based life. had i not charged my plane tickets and dental work and cat quarantine, i would still be in pennsylvania. not the worst thing in the world, but it really didn't seem like an option. it's too easy to just put my exciting plans on the card and hope for money in the future. well, now is the future, and i'm feeling the squeeze.

it's too soon to tell how much money i'll really make at my new job, but it seems like a safe average per shift amount is 75 dollars, that's not counting the hourly wage of 7 dollars. cutting down to two days at abundant life will net me approximately 120 a week from that job. if i get three shifts a week at the grill and two at ab life, thats roughly 345 a week for 30 hours of work. still only a third of what i made on a good week in denver, but more than i was making in 40 hours at ab life alone. my quality of life has gone up with this new job, but the bottom line is still the same--not enough money. i'm so tired of money.

so the new plan is this--find ways to make a little more cash on the side (market, herb and oil business, massage), keep working the two jobs, cut down living expenses, make debt disappear fast. the most obvious place for me to cut expenses is to stop paying rent. i don't know how i'm going to make that happen, and at least for the short run, i'm happy to be living in a house i can call my own, but i miss the freewheelin' vandwellers life. if only i had my van here! i miss my cocoon bed, my 8-tracks, my tiny closet and my freedom to roam. but i love the island life too, the weather, the ocean, the lack of clothing, the fruit! if i could figure out a way to have it all....

i realized yesterday, while gazing out to sea with an attractive tall dark man beside me, that i've let alot of things slip away since i got here and i want them back. i want a solid yoga practice, i want my music and new music too, i want to read books, i want to write poems and draw plant parts and go wildcrafting with friends. getting my most basic needs met has swallowed all my time for many months, but it's time to step it up and get my life in the order i like it to be in. i realized that my new love doesn't even know the 'me' i used to be, only the 'me' i am right now which in my mind is an inferior representation. i'm unbalanced, grasping somewhat desperately at the side of the mountain, unsure of where solid ground can be found. but, he seems to like me nonetheless. what a dear.