going down

why are the most fascinating people also the most fucked up? seeing their patterns unfold and hoping they will change for the better is a constantly new drama and i'm riveted. perhaps there's a deeper logic at work, and those that are always evolving and changing are also those who take risks and make bad decisions and are therefore more interesting than those who seemingly have it all together. i have loved many people in my life, and i must say that those who struck me most deeply are those who are in peril. through drug abuse, alcoholism, and other self-destructive behavior i've felt the highest highs and lowest lows in loving them. at this juncture, i find myself wanting to love someone who's been through it all and is striking a balance, like i feel i am. i can't be with someone who's lived a sheltered safe life, i'd be bored and they probably wouldn't want my damaged goods anyway. i can't be with someone who is raging with addiction, that's crazy monotone behavior that gets old too. i want someone who's been there, who's explored life and all it's mysterious corners, who's been bitten a time or two but became more whole because of it. and most of all, i want to find this person where i am. i know people who are this person, but they aren't here. no one is here. the one's who are here don't notice me. i have been calling e for weeks with no response. he may be dead. he may be just trying to make himself more interesting by pretending he's dead. this post has spiraled downward.