a different kind of painful

tonight i play poker with my brother and friends. this should be fun at least. maybe profitable, who knows? though it would only be dumb luck at this point. or my awesome skills that have been laying dormant. we shall see. at least i get to go out and burn off some of this energy i've got stored. working in an office makes me restless and i feel the need to go out all the time. working at a bar, i don't have that need, it's built in to my workday. this new way of being is entertaining though.
i saw my grandmother a few days ago. her skin is thin like onion paper, her head seems to have withered, and she's far shorter than i remember. being in a nursing home has to suck. it's like a daycare where the parents never come to pick the kids up and half of them are crying or talking to the wall and sitting in shitty diapers. the home she's in is pretty good compared to many, but that feeling is still there. i daydream of my future, will i be in the same place? at this rate, i won't even have children to take care of me, and i certainly won't be checking myself into one of those places. unless i move to a country where there's universal health care, i won't likely have health care, so if i was her, i would have died along time ago of a stroke, or cancer, or craziness. i'll probably just fade off into the wilderness. it might be painful, but it'll be a different kind of painful.