gathering it all up

today i got all my stuff out of E's place. my friend jess helped me because i was scared that e wouldn't want to see me, but it wasn't like that at all. he told me what's been going on, and though i don't understand why he didn't tell me sooner, i feel relieved just to know. his way of coping with intense stress is to retreat into a very tight shell which leaves people who love him (i.e. me) out in the cold wondering what they did wrong. turns out, it's not about me in the least. i feel sad that he doesn't want to talk about it, but i don't know what to do to help him. i guess just continue to leave him alone. i called several times today to see if he wanted to hang out, but he was doing something with his kids for mother's day and all he could spare was a text to tell me he wasn't interested.
at any rate, i have all my stuff in one place now. sort of. i still have the old van, and some of the stuff is in there--a box that i'm sending to my mom's house, a box going to the thrift store, and random massage stuff. the rest i fit in my little shed at the parking spot. i've got to get it sorted and pared down so that i'll be ready to leave when i'm ready to leave. i can't decide if i should sell my massage chair, i hardly ever use it, but it could be very handy for a mobile massage business this winter.
i feel good about my progress toward a totally van contained life. there is absolutely no reason why i need more stuff than i can fit in my giant van. life is lived outside my "stuff" now.
i'm having a bad girl streak--i drank mimosa's at brunch, a beer for lunch and i just finished a half pint of ice cream for dinner. now i'm going to a bar to see if i want to hang out with this guy who's been calling me. i don't want to date him, but maybe he has a cute friend:) hehehe