worky jerky

i'm sitting around with the animals, trying to think of what to write. it's not flowing like it used to, i wonder why i'm so dry. could be a case of work overload--i asked to go to part time at abundant life, but they never did get around to changing my schedule and i've been working 3 or 4 nights a week at the grill. this pattern was about to drive me batty when i threw a wrench in it's works and quit abundant life. yes, it's been a good run, but it's far too much work for far too few rewards. i mined the most valuable resource there, simon, and it was time to get out. the canary keeled over and i felt myself starting to crumble under the weight of hours lost to the drudgery of the timeclock. this is not why i moved to hawai'i, i moved here to enjoy myself, have an adventure, fall in love.

while i'm quite sure i'll be fine with only working at the grill, there is another prospect on the horizon. surprised by a phone call from the manager at the best restaurant in hilo, i had a really good interview with her last week. i dropped my resume there months ago when i was on the hunt, and apparently they found it good enough to hold onto. if i got this job, it would be similar to the job i had in denver, casual fine dining, upscale clientele, good wine and food. if my earnings were comparable to what i made in denver, my life here would be so incredibly comfortable. i could even afford to go to my brother's wedding in europe this fall. i think i have a good shot at landing the job, i'm certainly qualified, i just don't know if they interviewed someone more charming or funny than me. seems unlikely though, really :)

it looks like things could get pretty settled around here for a while. i have no desire to leave, but i do miss my friends who are frolicking on unicorn mountain without me in colorado. i hope they all miss me real bad.

this place

i feel the whole dynamic of my life shifting, like an enormous swell that has swept me away from the understandable way i was living and washed me up on a foreign shore where i am confused by my lack of efficacy. this could be what i was looking for, the perspective i was hoping to find, but i just don't understand it yet.

i've been doing such amazing things lately--like hiking out to where the lava pours into the ocean, at night, with the moon beaming coolly overhead, the earth beneath me so new my footfalls shatter it's eggshell structure and i feel a part of the process of making soil where life can take hold. the most amazing fireworks display, on display everyday for the past million years or so, a fully average function seeming so extraordinary.

this week is the 'merrie monarch' festival, the largest hula event in the world, hosted by my fair city. i went to the free night before the competition begins when some of the local halau's perform, and it was so moving to see people with traditions, living traditions that are taught to their youngsters and carried on throughout their lives into old age. i envy that. being of white colonist descent has left me lacking in that area.

it's a beautiful day, sunshine and heat lure me out, my daily experience has become much more important to me than this blog. this is good, i am grateful, yet i still want this place to come to and share.

rainbow flops and freyja mug

those that know me well know this--i love my freyja mug, a hand thrown mug that was hand painted with a picture of my cat holding a red ribbon in her mouth like she does. two dear friends had it made for me and it's traveled with me for about 5 years. i am a fan of hot beverages, and it was my favorite vessel. why am i talking about it in the past tense? because i believe it's been lost, stolen by some trickster force from the mansion. i've been told that if the island takes something valuable from you, it's good luck. i don't understand why, but i hope something good can come from the loss of something dear.

my rainbow flops are also gone. well, not gone, but destroyed, i blew 'em out on the lava. their loss is somehow more appropriate, as if they came home to die.

i wonder if that's it? will i lose any more of my favorite things?

'i don't know about you, but i came here to ROCK'

last weekend, i took a vacation to the other side of the island. after a long work week, i was exhausted and cranky as hell as we headed out in the wheeler (my little toyota's name given to her by simon). after a few miles, my head cleared, i apologized for being so rank, and as the sun sank slowly behind the mountain, my heart was bouyed by the weekend plans that had come together so perfectly. see, there's not alot of live music here on the island, so when a band comes that you kinda like, you go or you wait another 6 months for something else that may not be as good. the rock n roll station was heavily advertizing the 'journey' concert for months and i decided to go for it. i never had an album, but i know their hits as well as anyone, so a journey to the 80's it was.

we stopped at the wine store in waimea, got two bottles and two crystal glasses, then ate some tacos and headed to beach 67 to camp by the ocean for the night. we found a secluded spot, tucked in the keawe, and built a fire of little sticks just to keep us company. we laid out our sleeping bags under the stars and simon built a windbreak out of a tarp which worked quite well. the wind and the waves played the background to our rambling conversation over a couple beers. gradually we faded into sleep, smelling like fire, sinking into the sand.

in the morning, we woke up early and walked out on the lava shore that bordered our campsite. there were several pods of humpback whales spouting and waving their arms and tails at us, so close, i could see their eyes. the day was sunny, the water was crystal turquoise colored, and we had many hours to do whatever we pleased. we broke camp and packed up the wheeler, drove to the next beach over where there is lots of soft sand and an amazing reef to snorkel around. we napped in the shade for a while, then moved to the sun to get some heated motivation to get our snorkels on and go for a swim. out in the reef there were all sorts of beautiful fish, sea anemone, and turtles. we swam around together, pointing things out to each other, sometimes holding hands or putting our arms around each other and swimming like siamese twins. he kept making me laugh which is not good in a snorkel mask, it causes leaks!

we had a leisurely lunch at a toursity spot, then headed to our final destiantion...the hilton. our boss had decided to give the produce department (which consists of me and simon) a bonus because things had been looking so good lately. also, i think she didn't want to give either of us a raise, so this was her way of saying thanks. she got us a night at the hilton at waikoloa, the place where the concert was, and one of the nicest hotels i've ever seen. we walked in the lobby to check in, and there were parrots on giant brass rings on either side with signs that said 'beware, known jewelry theif' hanging on the post. there were huge vases from chinese dynasties basically everywhere you looked. there are no doors in this place, it's all open, like living outside in extreme luxury. we took the tram to our room, but we could have taken the gondola that travels through the massive koi ponds throughout the grounds. the room itself was nice, nothing extraordinary, but comfortable with down comforters and pillows, and art that didn't suck. that's one of the things about this hotel, the art. it's everywhere, in all the walkways, gardens, pools (of which there are many) there are statues, sculptures, ancient artifacts, paintings, furniature. the owner had an unlimited budget when it came to art, it would seem. i've never been impressed by a hotel before, but this one blew my mind.

the concert was only a half mile away, so we walked there, got our tickets at will call, and strolled in past the lazy security check into the waikoloa bowl. the concert was fairly predictable, they played their old hits which everyone loved, and their new songs which everyone hated. trying to stay true to their 80's sound made for some sappy rehashing of old chord progressions. most of their songs being love songs, we smiled and kissed alot at the lyrics, and it was genuinely romantic. the people around us were cracking us up--especially this guy to our right who was there with his wife and a bottle of whisky. he kept turning to us when they started playing one of their hit songs and giving us high 5's, hollering and jumping around. he claims credit for the title of this blog post, as well as many other prime quotes, and at the end of the concert, he hugged simon and said he had an awesome time.

after the show, we went back to our room to fill our wine glasses then hit the grounds to look at some art. we walked around for hours, finding treasures, dance parties, pool parties, and star-lit trails by the sea. it was like a wonderland, warm and welcoming, full of surprises and strangers, stray cats and hammocks. entirely worn out, we slept like babies and woke up too late to get a fancy breakfast, so we had to settle for an overpriced burrito on our way out. simon has some paintings there in the gallery which we tried to see, but it was closed, the only real bummer of the weekend.

we came back pretty much in love, which may be what happens when you get to do everything you want to do, all the time with someone beautiful.

financial reckoning

time for a finance assessment.

when i left denver 7 months ago (wow, it was that long!?), i was debt free except for my student loans which go on forever, and an outrageous hospital bill from when i had the flu and went there for 3 hours to get gatorade and saline in my vein. i even had 4000 dollars to start my tropical adventure with, but by the time i got here, i was already several thousand in the hole. now that my cat is out of jail, and i have several jobs, i am no longer accruing any debt, and it's time to come out of emergency survival mode and face the truth, i'm in debt again. it's not as bad as last time, certainly, but i marvel at the ease with which i let myself slip into buying things i couldn't afford. the momentum of my adventure took precedence over my desire to live a cash based life. had i not charged my plane tickets and dental work and cat quarantine, i would still be in pennsylvania. not the worst thing in the world, but it really didn't seem like an option. it's too easy to just put my exciting plans on the card and hope for money in the future. well, now is the future, and i'm feeling the squeeze.

it's too soon to tell how much money i'll really make at my new job, but it seems like a safe average per shift amount is 75 dollars, that's not counting the hourly wage of 7 dollars. cutting down to two days at abundant life will net me approximately 120 a week from that job. if i get three shifts a week at the grill and two at ab life, thats roughly 345 a week for 30 hours of work. still only a third of what i made on a good week in denver, but more than i was making in 40 hours at ab life alone. my quality of life has gone up with this new job, but the bottom line is still the same--not enough money. i'm so tired of money.

so the new plan is this--find ways to make a little more cash on the side (market, herb and oil business, massage), keep working the two jobs, cut down living expenses, make debt disappear fast. the most obvious place for me to cut expenses is to stop paying rent. i don't know how i'm going to make that happen, and at least for the short run, i'm happy to be living in a house i can call my own, but i miss the freewheelin' vandwellers life. if only i had my van here! i miss my cocoon bed, my 8-tracks, my tiny closet and my freedom to roam. but i love the island life too, the weather, the ocean, the lack of clothing, the fruit! if i could figure out a way to have it all....

i realized yesterday, while gazing out to sea with an attractive tall dark man beside me, that i've let alot of things slip away since i got here and i want them back. i want a solid yoga practice, i want my music and new music too, i want to read books, i want to write poems and draw plant parts and go wildcrafting with friends. getting my most basic needs met has swallowed all my time for many months, but it's time to step it up and get my life in the order i like it to be in. i realized that my new love doesn't even know the 'me' i used to be, only the 'me' i am right now which in my mind is an inferior representation. i'm unbalanced, grasping somewhat desperately at the side of the mountain, unsure of where solid ground can be found. but, he seems to like me nonetheless. what a dear.

hilo crazy

there's alot of crazy people that live here and shop at abundant life natural foods. i don't mean like people who wear crazy clothes, or act like jesters, though there's plenty of those too, i mean the kind of nuts that i cannot understand. people whos reality is so far removed from mine that i label them crazy. take this guy, greg nottingham, for instance. he lives in a hotel by the bay, comes into the store, runs a business (sort of), and goes about his day accepted as one of the hilo residents who is just 'off'. then there's the woman who's been stalking my boyfriend for 3 years. yep, she goes through his trash, brings him poems and pictures, and visits him almost every time he works and talks to him like they're best friends. he should be scared, but after this long, she's probably not going to do anything violent, so we just laugh about it. there's the jehovah's witness we call 'shorts' because he wears drawstring shorts that are a little too short, athletic shoes from the 80's, and is constantly singing christian children's songs like 'kumbyah' and 'jesus loves the little children' while he's shopping, as if the songs keep bad thoughts out of his mind. creep. and don't forget the lady that thinks hawaii's governer is a sex addict who hosts swinger parties in public halls, and so are my bosses, and the girl who manages the chill/frozen department is a prostitute, and so on. it's pretty hilarious, and i have to wonder, are they everywhere on this island? or is it just the cross section of people that shop at the store?

i put in my request to go to part time there and that feels soooooo good. it looks like the restaurant job is going to be good money, at least 3 shifts a week, so it was time to cut down at abundo. working this much is insane, i feel mentally dull and spiritually depleted. my creative juices have been dormant and fermenting. i need some space to regroup.

dethroned!

one revolution leads to another, and as easy as the mansion came, it went. see, the owner of the place lives in new hampshire and has recently begun to have a nervous breakdown because the house has been on the market for so long and she is ‘out of money’, or as out of money as you can be when you only get 10,000 a month in alimony. she is a compulsive spender, and has finally run herself into so much debt that she is hanging by a thread. this stress has caused her to lash out at the caretakers of her house, blaming them for the house not selling, questioning their integrity, blowing small things out of proportion. then, her teenage daughter showed up unannounced, and all hell broke loose. why was there a cat in the house? why was someone staying in the master bedroom? i, being somewhat of a bystander, and rapidly wearing out my welcome, decided to pull out. it was fun while it lasted, but free mansion living still has it's costs.

as luck would have it, a house of creatively alive folks has opened it's doors to me. yes, i'll have to pay rent, but not alot of rent, and it's closer to town and the ocean. i've spent enough time with these people to know that we will live together just fine, and there's no lease, no commitment, very few formalities. i came across this perfectly timed situation through the new boyfriend, i'll call him simon, who is living here too. the house is a sweet jungle shack surrounded with fruit bearing trees and plants, a trampoline, a gazebo that doubles as a guest room, and a path across a private hidden bridge that leads to the ocean. it's a few minute walk from town, and there are two adorable dogs, rain and muna, who are rapidly worming their way into my heart. the only real downside--there's only one shitter. it's an older house, and that's just the way it goes.

oh yeah, i got that other job. i'm so tired from working so much that it's hard to be excited right now, but i am really hopeful that it's going to be good. i've worked two training shifts so far, and they went great. i think i'll be taking my own tables on my next shift. it's a super easy serving job, and the prices are kinda outrageous, so it should be good tips. plus, in hawaii, they pay you 7 bucks an hour, minimum! that's more than i made in denver as a bartender, wages wise. i think the end of poverty is in sight. what i hope will happen is i make enough money at the new job to cut down to 2-3 days a week at abundant life, or even eliminate it altogether. at the end of the day, i'm only making about 62 dollars for 8 hours there. i'd only have to make 50 bucks a shift at the restaurant to make the same amount in 4 hours. that kind of math is easy. the only problem is i'm not sure how many hours they will give me at the new job. i was hired for part time nights, meaning 3-4 for shifts, 3-5 hours each. i bet i'll be able to work my way in, becoming indispensable and getting whatever i want. that's the plan anyway.