flood and famine

yesterday the rains came raging through the streets and the restaurant flooded.  everyone was in bare feet and soaking wet, it was kinda awesome.  i've never seen flash flooding like that before, the temporary river was wicked fast and the thunder and lightning tremendous.  the guys built a dam with tables to divert the deluge from going straight down into the patio, quite dramatic!  it felt like we were on the titanic having dinner and drinks while the ship was slowly filling with water. 

my scooter was knee deep in water for a while and i half expected it not to work, but all i had to do was dry the spark plug and she started right up.  i worried that my cat had drowned or my van had filled up with wetness, but everything was fine, if a little damp.  

today i made very little money, confirming that this job is going down the drain.  i may not even be able to meet my goal of paying off all my debt before i leave.  i'd rather leave still owing a little bit and get a job for the winter than stay here and wallow in the recession.  not that i'll be able to escape it, but at least i'll be warm.  i wish i could be a hobobartender and just show up in town for a guest stint at little hole in the wall places, that would be so cool.  

a reorganization of finances and plans has to occur in the next week or two.  i think i can still pull off something fantastic, but it's going to be trickier than i thought.

pushing me out

as usually happens, the place i'm in becomes less and less hospitable as the date for my departure draws near. i don't know how it happens, but i trust the shifting energies and will follow their currents.
the hot dry days of summer have moved out and heavy clouds laden with messages dominate the days. no longer can i ride my moped at night without my down jacket. the late night t-shirt rides live only in july. weird tensions with my neighbors remind me that the same rights and privileges of rent-payers don't apply to those who live in vans. i have quite a list of things to do before i can go, and the clock is ticking. summer had lulled me into an easy routine, but change now looms close-by.
a fellow van-dweller who i met through this blog visited me this week. he's also from the northeast and we shared thoughts on how weird it can be there. he's moving to oregon because he wants to and there's no reason not to. a simple philosophy that he's applied quite well to his life. it was fun to have him around, we rode bikes in the glorious rain, i fed him gourmet treats at my work, and he showed me his tattoo which is awesome/hilarious. we talked about the salton sea, key west, bike-punk ethics, and strategic parking skills. even if i mother-henned him a bit, i think he enjoyed his time here in freedomvanland.
for those concerned about "friend", he was adopted this week. he's not dead.

fear and the northeast

i'm trying to live my life in the best way i know how. so far, i've figured out this means to take care of myself and not be a burden on anyone else, to give support in what ways i can to friends, family, and occasional strangers, and to navigate through the possibilities in life with love as my guide. it is simple, and mostly i manage to be satisfied with my efforts, but i'm having trouble with solidifying my winter plans. being a person who has no commitments, it would seem easy to just make a decision and go with it. but lack of commitment does not mean lack of responsibility, and i feel responsible for visiting people who are unable to be as mobile as i am because i love them and value their place in my life. so how to fit all the pieces together in a satisfying and mutually fun way is confounding me. if i don't drive to the northeast this fall, i won't see over half of the people i care about for possibly a year or more. that's just a fact, my family and a few key friends are there and in the coming months i will have the freedom to make that trip. i have an irrational fear that if i go there, i'll get stuck for the winter, and i REALLY don't want to do that. i have no fear of any other place, or of getting stuck anywhere else, but there are so many factors that could come into play in the northeast. some of which i'm surely not even conscious of. i left that area so i could figure out who i was in a different context. i'm surprised that i have such a strong fear of going back.
the pull of autumn can be felt in the air today. a cool rain with tortured clouds dominates the day and i know i'm about to take a turn on the wheel of fate again. at once terrified and exhilerated, i abandon comfort and accept the wild ride.

under the bridge

i have great respect for the animals and plants that choose to live amongst people. it's easy to see the beauty of the wild forest or the lonely canyon, but ordinary nature on the city street is so often frowned upon. why do people hate pigeons? i am fascinated by them. the way they live in the city is much like the homeless live--under bridges, surrounded by concrete and steel, and almost always in public. they build their homes, have babies, and live happily in circumstances that many people find squalid. they do not concern themselves with the opinions of people, they just live with them. i am reminded of the human impact on the world by the messes the pigeons make. we do the same, only flush them away or take them to the dump, but really there is nowhere to go, we live in a closed system. maybe that's why the creatures of the city are so hard for some to love. they are too much like ourselves.

things n'stuff

tonight, i finally made money and i can rest a little easier.  i made a list to day called "things to do so i can get outta here", and i crossed off one item--cashing in my life insurance policy.  it's going to be my seed money for the next adventure.  it seems like every day i meet someone at work who tells me of a new place to go for the winter.  a guy with a shock of grey hair and a sly look told me about costa rica and some place in mexico which i can't recall the name of, but he was dead set that going to costa rica was a better choice than the USVI, so i'm going to do some research.  

eric called me today with his new number.  perhaps i have a chance after all.  he said he'd let me ride his new bike!  i'm pretty excited to see him on monday.  i hope things can be better between us.

going on 22 straight days of 100 degree heat here in the mile high city, but i went for a run anyway.  i'm kicking into gear now that the vacation is over.  i want to be comfortable in a bikini this winter!

serious vagabond

getting out of here has become top priority. at least it's become more urgent since my vacation. i want to be somewhere warm sometime soon to settle in for the winter. a woman came into my work tonight and talked a big story about the virgin islands. i've come to learn there are no quarantines for animals and it's relatively easy to move there on a whim. when i went to hawaii last year, i was disheartened to learn of its stringent animal quarantine policies and thought i couldn't do the island life with a cat, but now i'm pleased to learn, it isn't that way everywhere. i wonder if i could take my van there? i'm still inquiring.
work sucks since i've been back, i haven't even made 100 bucks a night which is horrible. i'm losing interest in sticking it out. i can make this kind of lousy money anywhere. i will give it a few more weeks, but i have to figure something out soon.
today i took everything out of my storage shed and reorganized. this week i'll have plenty to do sending things away and selling/giving items i no longer need. i'm getting very serious about paring down to the essentials. i have no time for extraneous things, i'm a serious vagabond.
i feel a new page has been opened and i'm ready for it.

beware the gnomes

i'm back in real life with the heat and the mess, the death and separation highlighting the week of love and support i just flew away from. trying to figure out this equation and the lesson therein.
i made some significant connections at the wedding, and as the secret maid of honor i felt if was my duty to throw a party at my cabin. it was a kind of constant party that peaked the night before the wedding when the groom and his entourage from nyc showed up to spill out of the hottub and make lively conversation around the campfire. the cabin was appropriately named "the gnome house" and the gnomes were not altogether bad fellows, though mischief was in the air. the worst such incident i call the mystery of the missing key. the shuttle which was rented by the grooms family had a single key that somehow went missing that night. the boy who lost it was going crazy looking in the dark for it, and i finally had to talk him into staying so he wasn't up all night. the next day, we looked. nothing. where oh where could it be. we resigned ourselves to calling the van company and seeing if they had a spare. the hustle of wedding day took over and i didn't think about it much until our friends andy and savahn showed up with the key. huh? well, the story goes that as savahn was taking things out of her car to prepare for the wedding, she set her dress on top of her car, then removed it and the key was sitting there right on top of her hatchback. now, this is nearly impossible to explain without gnome intervention. she WAS there at the party for a while, but when she found the key it was at her hotel which was nearly 10 miles of bumpy, hilly roads away. also when she set the dress on the car, there was nothing on top, when she removed it, the key was there. the dress wasn't at the party. what happened? we were all mystified, but glad to have the key. moral: beware of gnomes.
the good times continued, the wedding was beautiful, the dancing unabashedly hot. the afterglow lasted through the next day and we all went hiking on mt. constitution and ate wild berries and currants from the generous northwest island forest. the cool semi-cloudy days were a welcome respite of 60 to 70 degree temperatures. i felt the atmosphere like a blanket softly draped around my shoulders, sheltering me with humidity and cool breezes.
then, as suddenly as it appeared, it dissolved, and here i am typing and sweating. while i was gone, my friend from work, jess, lost her brother to an accidental overdose. she's understandably a mess, and i have no idea what to do for her except be available. hearing this news made my heart sink, and my thoughts turned to eric. i want to talk to him so much! i wish he wanted me to be part of this part of his life. so i called him. and he changed his number. once and for all wiping me off his map. what do i do with this? i'm at a loss and have no plan of action. just sitting in the swirling mass of life's events, reevaluating what my best purpose could be.
rollercoaster's gotta roll to the bottom if you want to climb to the top again.