get out--part one

i am watching a roach crawl across the wall in the office at work, ick.  i am wondering if someone will bust in and catch me on the computer.  i am one more step closer to leaving--yesterday i got kicked out of my parking spot by the police.  they said it was illegal to live in a van.  they were called there on a grass and weed violation, probably by the tenant that was being evicted by my landlord.  so, i'm out 10 days earlier than i thought.  there is more to the story which i'll share, maybe later tonight...

the short term plan

i have to be out of my spot in less than 2 weeks, this is cool because it's giving me another chance to be even more prepared to hit the road. i want to stay in my city until at least october first as that will allow me to have the funds i need, so that leaves the question of september. while i don't need a "place" since i live in my van, my neighbor terri has insisted that i should crash with her until i'm ready to leave. so, that's what i'm gonna do. it'll give me a place to get organized, and a place to sleep while i get my van checked out and all ready to roll. also, i'll be helping her with the rent which she really needs.
i don't know what to do about and address when i leave. i suppose i'll just pay all my bills online, but i don't know about personal correspondence. maybe my mom will be able to forward it to me wherever i may roam. what do you think mom? i've had a pretty heavy amount of letters coming from a certain institution in PA and i don't want that stream to be interrupted. i would just keep my po box and forward it somewhere, but the post office where i have my box is closing! on september 30th. yet another sign.
work has been better, the money is ok, and next week there is a huge convention in town which should give us a fairly large turnout.
as the weather shifts toward fall, my creaky gears are slowly engaging.

the news

it's all been very strange lately, and i'm taking the good with the bad, trying to determine which reality i'm in.  i don't want to be an asshole, and i don't have to be the best, just want to do what is morally correct.  the most communication i've had with eric has been on this blog and i wonder why.  am i impossible to talk to?  well, it seems like he's found his peace with the situation and for the record, eric is a wonderful man full of love and very giving, like he said.  just didn't work out in the fairy tale sense.  so that's the reality.  i hope he's doing exactly what he wants to do with his days and if i'm not a part of that, then so be it.  i can accept that i wasn't the best thing for him, and i think he's forgiven me for that too.

i have less than two weeks before i'm out of my parking spot, and i've made significant progress on paring down my existence even more.  lots of things just go in the trash, it's easy and most of it is not worth worrying about.  i made a few bucks selling clothes at buffalo exchange and i'll take some more books to the store that buys them, then all i have is a few items to sell on ebay and i'm done! it's all contained in my van at that point.  

my boss tuned up my scooter today, which was arguably the nicest thing he's ever done for me.  i didn't ask him to do it, he just wanted to and so he went to the parts store and worked on it for an hour or so.  pretty cool.

my cat's not better, i'm still feeling lonely, and my plans are still nonexistent, but i think it's all gonna change in the next 3 weeks.  at least, i'll be out of debt at that point.  the culmination of one of my dreams...

better

i am no longer wallowing in misery which is a big improvement. still sad, still a bit confused, but ready to do the next thing. last night i went out with someone i've known for a while and we made a connection that surprised me--i always thought of him as kinda crazy with no sense of balance, but i learned that there are some terribly sad stories behind him, stories that made me feel like what i was going through was bearable. he's actually doing fine when you consider where he's coming from. we consoled each other (he's also in a weird relationship situation) and closed the bar down, then went walking through the city in the rain until 4 am. i felt like a teenager, like the world was being washed and i could be new again, if just for a moment in time.
some good news today--i sold the old van!! for what i was asking for it!!! thank you randy and stacie, i am so relieved to have it sold and cash in hand. now i can pay off two credit cards and that leaves only one more bill to pay off before i'm totally free. wow. i'm so close the day i've been dreaming of for months. maybe years.
i finally hung out with my other neighbors today, bob and larry. they are totally awesome dudes who have a sweet bachelor pad across the alley from me. they welcomed me like a friend and i drank a few beers with them while we watched "the last waltz", hands down the best rock movie ever made. robbie robertson is so damn hot! bob heated me up a bowl of his homemade chili which was soooooo good, and we sat around and laughed at each others jokes. they are so funny it made my guts hurt so i'm definitely going back soon. i could use a little hilarity in my life. they said to come over any time, since they'd more than likely be partying.

if i could edit the past...

eric wrote a letter in the comments on my last post. i'm devastated, and don't know what to say. i don't feel like i was horrible to him, but apparently i was and that realization makes me doubt who i really am. everything i say must be selfish, everything i did to him must have been wrong, i must be a rotten, evil woman with no heart. why did he love me? why did he want me? where did i dive off the path of love and become a wretched failure?
i don't know what i can do. he's already lost faith in me completely and is now publicly shaming me. all i wanted was to have some time with him, but he knew that and that is just what he won't give me. it's always something, some appointment or he's out of town or he doesn't feel good, and that's fine, i don't want to be annoying, but he's had time to buy a motorcycle, and apparently a new truck, and see his other friends. friends who loved him good enough. the favor he asked is minimal, it's no big deal, and i am perfectly happy to do it, but he never answered my calls or texts when i sent love and desired to know how he was. suddenly when he wants something, he texts me. i'd like to believe he didn't get my calls, but i know better. he's punishing me because i didn't love him the way he wanted in the past.
i failed him. i am sorry. eric, i wish you would just talk to me instead of this. if what you want is for me to feel awful, then i do. if what you want is for me to have been someone else, then i'm sorry but i can't. i am who i am.
it's been raining for over 24 hours, a rarity in colorado, and i am soggy with life, with sadness, and wondering what kind of person i really am.

october one

the guy i rent the space from called me and told me i have to be out by the first. he's going to build a garage there so he can charge more for it. it's ok because i live in my van and i don't have to care if someone doesn't want me there anymore.
freyja has a urinary tract infection and i took her to the vet today, antibiotics for ten days and i hope for the best.
eric doesn't want to hang out with me, he just wants favors and it's ok because he's dying and so i better not complain about the way he treats me.
it's raining and the pigeons are making death threats because i'm sitting under the only cover at the library at 2am.
the next road i take is my own. i will break promises to myself, and will surely disappoint others. i've decided what is next and am moving that direction.
october 1, the chateau launches.

turquoise eyeshadow

i've been going to yoga almost every day and today for most of the class i had a brainstorm of ideas for what i'm going to do next. none of them totally satisfied me, but i came up with a general direction. i'm going to have to make some money over the winter, not much, but at least 500 a month, that could be done in 2 days a week or less bartending, so that should be easy. but what i realized i needed today was something i hadn't thought of in a while--i want to be part of a larger group of like minded people. somewhere i can learn something valuable, like a yoga center or an ecovillage, or i don't know what but i'm sure they are out there. i once did a volunteer program at kripalu yoga center in western massachusetts, it was a life changing, heart opening experience and while i don't feel the need to recreate it, i'd like to do something equally as amazing.
i feel like a stranger today, anonymous and faceless to the people who see me on the street. i've lived here for 18 months and still nothing has really hooked me. i've tried to get in touch with eric, but he's back to not answering my calls or texts. and i didn't see him last week like i though i would, he had a bunch of appointments and then was not feeling up to it. i'm deeply sad that he's so sick and i just want to be around him. he used to help me feel like i belonged here, and i used to make him crazy with my projects and ideas. there was always a little teasing involved in our exchanges, like just when one of us would forget about this stupid song we'd been singing, the other one would start singing it "chocolate rain..." oh god, that made me nuts!
it's a strange juxtaposition of familiarity and loneliness that induces my need to depart. a feeling i've come to recognize as part of my pattern. i've tried different reactions to it, leaving, not leaving, reinventing myself, reverting to old habits, and no matter what i do, it returns. it's not a bad thing, and i'm accustomed to it, but i'm not sure what it's trying to teach me.
i had an uncanny urge for turquoise eyeshadow, so i bought some and i'm wearing it. for those who know me, this might seem out of character. i guess my character is changing.