getting on board

my man and I have been dreaming up our next move, our escape from the rather expensive rental market in this university town, and it looks like it might be a vintage travel trailer.  older than the chateau, one we have in mind is a '71 Holiday Rambler, 26ft and in "excellent" condition.  we're going to check it out tomorrow or saturday and i will regale you with tales of it's glory.  finding the trailer will be the easy part, in the surrounding region there are literally thousands to choose from between craigslist and dealers.  finding an awesome place to park it and full time live in it during the school year is proving to be the greater challenge.  the rv park i called today that seemed very promising charges 495 a month (all utilities included, but still that's the cost of a small apartment)!! so far the only affordable options are the mobile home parks, and those which allow dogs are solidly in the dumpy category.  i am pretty ok with it, seeing as i've lived in my van on the street and all... but S is less enthralled.  he's fully on board with the financial side of it though.  we would take out a loan from a family member to buy the trailer, fix it up, and pay off our credit card debt, and that loan would be paid off in 3 years.  the loan payment plus the "lot rent" we pay for the trailer will cost almost half of our current housing + credit card payments, and being debt free (except student loans of course) in three years or less seems like a magical fairy tale land we very much want to inhabit.

anyone who still reads this blog full-timing in a vintage rig in a college town? :)  i know nothing about the whole plumbing thing since the chateau had only a sink that drained onto the ground.  it seems scary to have a shower, toilet, and sink that actually works like a sink with hot water and everything.  how will i avoid all the possible pitfalls?  i guess i probably won't, it's just not my nature.

i've been staying up way too late thinking about all this stuff. tonight is no exception.

a whole new life is happening

hi guys!
it's been soooooooo long.  my blogger self has been hibernating, but now on the darkest day of the year, i stir. maybe it's cabin fever setting in!  blanketed in snow, the world is very sluggish, but my inner troublemaker is hotter than a pepper sprout.
i wanted to let you know what has happened to me.  my household has grown to a total of five (!!) beings--myself, my love S, Freyja (she's still kickin), the little boy (a fuzzy black kitty), and Trip (a freaking pomeranian!) i'm living in a stick house (rental) but don't think i'm not on craigslist every day looking for a cheap travel trailer to move into--this place is so expensive and once you've tasted the free life, well....its hard to go back.  also, my brain is just in overdrive due to the extreme activity it's been involved in for the past few months.  i'm a week into my first winter break of VET SCHOOL!!  Yeah baby!  they're going to let this crazy homeless lady be a doctor in a few years :)  provided I don't screw it up.
when we left off i was settling into my life in hawaii, living with my true love in a sweet house on stilts by the beach.  that was an amazing 3 years and it changed the course of my life dramatically.  basically, i got bored just living in paradise without much work and i decided to go back to school.  lots of long stories later, i applied to vet school and they let me in.  which meant i had to move back to the mainland, which brings me to today, the darkest day, full of snow. winter. ugh.... this is why i got the freedomvan in the first place!  well, circle back around and here you are but different this time.  life's weird.
 i miss my freedom and i'm plotting ways to get it back.  like a yo-yo dieter, i've gotten out of debt and then gotten back in deeper than before and i'm just sick of it. come along and help me envision the next version of freedomvan--maybe freedom trailer?  freedom earthship?  freedom studio apartment, hehe?  they don't have the same ring.  it's s different ballgame though, i've got all these RESPONSIBILITIES now.
i want to catch up with you all and start figuring it out.
*hugs n stuff *

is there anybody out there?

hello blogosphere, i miss you. while i can't commit to coming back full blast just yet, i've been thinking about it, and feeling the need to share my life again. but i'm also in school full time, very busy and not too sure when i can really devote a spare minute to this endeavor. anyway, i'm here. and i want to move back into a van really bad, but i'm caught up in regular life pretty deep right now. will share soon. in the meantime check out the only new link i've posted in a long time-- this guys site: jason from vanabode, he's pretty awesome and his book is full of information which i will review on this blog from my own experience when i have a chance. www.vanabode.com

sold

the van has been sold! to a very cool chick from chicago who plans to live in it and will undoubtedly take it on many more adventures.

her blog www.tashaviaf.blogspot.com will chronicle the milestones, i'm sure. i wish her all the luck, joy, independence and satisfaction in the world.

what a long strange trip it's been.

thanks for tuning in, wrapping up, and moving onward!

chateau for sale!!

hello everyone, i don't know how many of you still check in here since i've been off for so long, but i thought it would be worth a try! i'm selling my trusty van, my former home, my beloved companion --the freedomvan. it is parked at my dad's office in central pennsylvania and i intend to have it in running condition before the sale (last i knew it was running great, but it's been a year so...) if you or anyone you know has an interest in this home on wheels, please email me.

it looks like i'm settling down for a while in hawaii, i've lived in a house for almost a year and we will likely stay here for another. simon is having much success as a tattoo artist, and i have gotten my massage practice going and am still working at a restaurant part time. there seems to be plenty for us to dig our hands into with many new projects and plans on the horizon. that's why i've decided to let go of the chateau, pass it on to someone who will enjoy it's affordable comforts and freedoms before they deteriorate. it makes me smile to think of some kindred soul getting behind the wheel and journeying on across america.

for pics of the van look here.

i'm asking $1900, make an offer!

freedomvan@gmail.com

all pau

this blog has been fading out for a while, and i guess it's time to admit it's all 'pau' (hawaiian for 'over', 'done', 'complete'). wrapping my mind around all that has happened this year, i am so grateful for the journey, the daily unfolding of surprises, and the place i landed.

i just had another birthday--31 now. i remember last year's birthday, my parents came to visit me in colorado, i showed them my van set-up, we cavorted around the mountains reconnecting our family ties, and i began to relax into my singleness. i'd made it to 30 without any serious commitments, why not use my lightness as a birds advantage and take off into the wind? the seed of my next adventure was planted, i would make one of my big dreams come true--living in a tropical paradise.

fast forward to today. i woke up cradled in the gentle embrace of a man i'd given up hoping for, in a place of unending blooming beauty, myriad birds singing me out of bed and into another day of perfection. i can't remember if i've ever been this happy. i don't expect it will last forever, but i'm going to ride this wave to the shore, and then i'm setting up my home there.

from here on out, it's our adventure. i may end up heartbroken, but i'm ok with that, this is worth it. maybe we'll move back to the mainland, pick up the chateau faded rainbow and rattle off onto the blue highways together, and if so, i may resume this blog. but for now, we are cozily nestled in our island incubator, thoughts of leaving far from our minds, and i feel more like keeping my heart a secret than blasting it into the storm of the internet.

until we meet again, mahalo nui loa to you wayfaring strangers, long time friends, family, and vandwellers....

settling in

on the first rainy day in may, it's time to envision the next stage of life here in hawaii. i have the urge to dig deep, to commit, to rededicate myself to massage and bodywork. it is my gift, one of them at least, and the one that is most accessible. i have three more days at abundant life, and i've decided after that to work on building a practice, getting an office, and taking a workshop or two, there are so many on this island. massage has been the closest thing to my life's work, and though i don't feel complete in it, i know continuing on is an important part of getting to that fulfilled place. part of my problem in everything i do is that i love to start things, but have a hard time finishing them or even getting to 'level 2'. i am a perpetual beginner. but the wheel of life keeps turning and i am more and more attracted to maturity, longevity, and depth.

on a parallel track, simon is mid-way through his apprenticeship to become a tattoo artist. he's always been an artist, and he recently the opportunity to join up with a local tattoist to learn the trade. he'll be able to start tattooing this summer sometime, but it will take a few years, preferably in the same location, to become truly proficient and build a clientele. i figure, if we're going to be together, i might as well do the same. i think it's kinda awesome that we are both 'bodyworkers' from different angles with similar aims--to help people heal, transform, and enjoy their bodies as the vessels for their souls.

my days of ceaseless wandering may be over. for now.

liking where i am

i didn't get it. i was pretty bummed, and pouted around for a while, but i'm over it now. i'm actually looking forward to having alot of time to devote to non-work related things. once i'm done at abundant life, i will only be working 3 or 4 nights a week, so my days will be mine to do what i please. and what i please is a new project...see there's this path out our backyard, and it leads to the ocean where there is a cliff and a beach down below, and no one has been there yet because we need a ladder. well, we bought the rope yesterday to make the ladder, and that's just one part of the project. there's a camping spot there by the cliff, a super sweet camping spot, the kind you could see as home with a little cleaning up and a few tarp structures. see where this is going?

i also took a good long look at the yard today, it's amazing. there's so much here to care for, prune, cultivate, enjoy. i'm digging in to this jungle, learning what is growing around me, and relaxing into where i am. i really like where i am.

worky jerky

i'm sitting around with the animals, trying to think of what to write. it's not flowing like it used to, i wonder why i'm so dry. could be a case of work overload--i asked to go to part time at abundant life, but they never did get around to changing my schedule and i've been working 3 or 4 nights a week at the grill. this pattern was about to drive me batty when i threw a wrench in it's works and quit abundant life. yes, it's been a good run, but it's far too much work for far too few rewards. i mined the most valuable resource there, simon, and it was time to get out. the canary keeled over and i felt myself starting to crumble under the weight of hours lost to the drudgery of the timeclock. this is not why i moved to hawai'i, i moved here to enjoy myself, have an adventure, fall in love.

while i'm quite sure i'll be fine with only working at the grill, there is another prospect on the horizon. surprised by a phone call from the manager at the best restaurant in hilo, i had a really good interview with her last week. i dropped my resume there months ago when i was on the hunt, and apparently they found it good enough to hold onto. if i got this job, it would be similar to the job i had in denver, casual fine dining, upscale clientele, good wine and food. if my earnings were comparable to what i made in denver, my life here would be so incredibly comfortable. i could even afford to go to my brother's wedding in europe this fall. i think i have a good shot at landing the job, i'm certainly qualified, i just don't know if they interviewed someone more charming or funny than me. seems unlikely though, really :)

it looks like things could get pretty settled around here for a while. i have no desire to leave, but i do miss my friends who are frolicking on unicorn mountain without me in colorado. i hope they all miss me real bad.

this place

i feel the whole dynamic of my life shifting, like an enormous swell that has swept me away from the understandable way i was living and washed me up on a foreign shore where i am confused by my lack of efficacy. this could be what i was looking for, the perspective i was hoping to find, but i just don't understand it yet.

i've been doing such amazing things lately--like hiking out to where the lava pours into the ocean, at night, with the moon beaming coolly overhead, the earth beneath me so new my footfalls shatter it's eggshell structure and i feel a part of the process of making soil where life can take hold. the most amazing fireworks display, on display everyday for the past million years or so, a fully average function seeming so extraordinary.

this week is the 'merrie monarch' festival, the largest hula event in the world, hosted by my fair city. i went to the free night before the competition begins when some of the local halau's perform, and it was so moving to see people with traditions, living traditions that are taught to their youngsters and carried on throughout their lives into old age. i envy that. being of white colonist descent has left me lacking in that area.

it's a beautiful day, sunshine and heat lure me out, my daily experience has become much more important to me than this blog. this is good, i am grateful, yet i still want this place to come to and share.

rainbow flops and freyja mug

those that know me well know this--i love my freyja mug, a hand thrown mug that was hand painted with a picture of my cat holding a red ribbon in her mouth like she does. two dear friends had it made for me and it's traveled with me for about 5 years. i am a fan of hot beverages, and it was my favorite vessel. why am i talking about it in the past tense? because i believe it's been lost, stolen by some trickster force from the mansion. i've been told that if the island takes something valuable from you, it's good luck. i don't understand why, but i hope something good can come from the loss of something dear.

my rainbow flops are also gone. well, not gone, but destroyed, i blew 'em out on the lava. their loss is somehow more appropriate, as if they came home to die.

i wonder if that's it? will i lose any more of my favorite things?

'i don't know about you, but i came here to ROCK'

last weekend, i took a vacation to the other side of the island. after a long work week, i was exhausted and cranky as hell as we headed out in the wheeler (my little toyota's name given to her by simon). after a few miles, my head cleared, i apologized for being so rank, and as the sun sank slowly behind the mountain, my heart was bouyed by the weekend plans that had come together so perfectly. see, there's not alot of live music here on the island, so when a band comes that you kinda like, you go or you wait another 6 months for something else that may not be as good. the rock n roll station was heavily advertizing the 'journey' concert for months and i decided to go for it. i never had an album, but i know their hits as well as anyone, so a journey to the 80's it was.

we stopped at the wine store in waimea, got two bottles and two crystal glasses, then ate some tacos and headed to beach 67 to camp by the ocean for the night. we found a secluded spot, tucked in the keawe, and built a fire of little sticks just to keep us company. we laid out our sleeping bags under the stars and simon built a windbreak out of a tarp which worked quite well. the wind and the waves played the background to our rambling conversation over a couple beers. gradually we faded into sleep, smelling like fire, sinking into the sand.

in the morning, we woke up early and walked out on the lava shore that bordered our campsite. there were several pods of humpback whales spouting and waving their arms and tails at us, so close, i could see their eyes. the day was sunny, the water was crystal turquoise colored, and we had many hours to do whatever we pleased. we broke camp and packed up the wheeler, drove to the next beach over where there is lots of soft sand and an amazing reef to snorkel around. we napped in the shade for a while, then moved to the sun to get some heated motivation to get our snorkels on and go for a swim. out in the reef there were all sorts of beautiful fish, sea anemone, and turtles. we swam around together, pointing things out to each other, sometimes holding hands or putting our arms around each other and swimming like siamese twins. he kept making me laugh which is not good in a snorkel mask, it causes leaks!

we had a leisurely lunch at a toursity spot, then headed to our final destiantion...the hilton. our boss had decided to give the produce department (which consists of me and simon) a bonus because things had been looking so good lately. also, i think she didn't want to give either of us a raise, so this was her way of saying thanks. she got us a night at the hilton at waikoloa, the place where the concert was, and one of the nicest hotels i've ever seen. we walked in the lobby to check in, and there were parrots on giant brass rings on either side with signs that said 'beware, known jewelry theif' hanging on the post. there were huge vases from chinese dynasties basically everywhere you looked. there are no doors in this place, it's all open, like living outside in extreme luxury. we took the tram to our room, but we could have taken the gondola that travels through the massive koi ponds throughout the grounds. the room itself was nice, nothing extraordinary, but comfortable with down comforters and pillows, and art that didn't suck. that's one of the things about this hotel, the art. it's everywhere, in all the walkways, gardens, pools (of which there are many) there are statues, sculptures, ancient artifacts, paintings, furniature. the owner had an unlimited budget when it came to art, it would seem. i've never been impressed by a hotel before, but this one blew my mind.

the concert was only a half mile away, so we walked there, got our tickets at will call, and strolled in past the lazy security check into the waikoloa bowl. the concert was fairly predictable, they played their old hits which everyone loved, and their new songs which everyone hated. trying to stay true to their 80's sound made for some sappy rehashing of old chord progressions. most of their songs being love songs, we smiled and kissed alot at the lyrics, and it was genuinely romantic. the people around us were cracking us up--especially this guy to our right who was there with his wife and a bottle of whisky. he kept turning to us when they started playing one of their hit songs and giving us high 5's, hollering and jumping around. he claims credit for the title of this blog post, as well as many other prime quotes, and at the end of the concert, he hugged simon and said he had an awesome time.

after the show, we went back to our room to fill our wine glasses then hit the grounds to look at some art. we walked around for hours, finding treasures, dance parties, pool parties, and star-lit trails by the sea. it was like a wonderland, warm and welcoming, full of surprises and strangers, stray cats and hammocks. entirely worn out, we slept like babies and woke up too late to get a fancy breakfast, so we had to settle for an overpriced burrito on our way out. simon has some paintings there in the gallery which we tried to see, but it was closed, the only real bummer of the weekend.

we came back pretty much in love, which may be what happens when you get to do everything you want to do, all the time with someone beautiful.

financial reckoning

time for a finance assessment.

when i left denver 7 months ago (wow, it was that long!?), i was debt free except for my student loans which go on forever, and an outrageous hospital bill from when i had the flu and went there for 3 hours to get gatorade and saline in my vein. i even had 4000 dollars to start my tropical adventure with, but by the time i got here, i was already several thousand in the hole. now that my cat is out of jail, and i have several jobs, i am no longer accruing any debt, and it's time to come out of emergency survival mode and face the truth, i'm in debt again. it's not as bad as last time, certainly, but i marvel at the ease with which i let myself slip into buying things i couldn't afford. the momentum of my adventure took precedence over my desire to live a cash based life. had i not charged my plane tickets and dental work and cat quarantine, i would still be in pennsylvania. not the worst thing in the world, but it really didn't seem like an option. it's too easy to just put my exciting plans on the card and hope for money in the future. well, now is the future, and i'm feeling the squeeze.

it's too soon to tell how much money i'll really make at my new job, but it seems like a safe average per shift amount is 75 dollars, that's not counting the hourly wage of 7 dollars. cutting down to two days at abundant life will net me approximately 120 a week from that job. if i get three shifts a week at the grill and two at ab life, thats roughly 345 a week for 30 hours of work. still only a third of what i made on a good week in denver, but more than i was making in 40 hours at ab life alone. my quality of life has gone up with this new job, but the bottom line is still the same--not enough money. i'm so tired of money.

so the new plan is this--find ways to make a little more cash on the side (market, herb and oil business, massage), keep working the two jobs, cut down living expenses, make debt disappear fast. the most obvious place for me to cut expenses is to stop paying rent. i don't know how i'm going to make that happen, and at least for the short run, i'm happy to be living in a house i can call my own, but i miss the freewheelin' vandwellers life. if only i had my van here! i miss my cocoon bed, my 8-tracks, my tiny closet and my freedom to roam. but i love the island life too, the weather, the ocean, the lack of clothing, the fruit! if i could figure out a way to have it all....

i realized yesterday, while gazing out to sea with an attractive tall dark man beside me, that i've let alot of things slip away since i got here and i want them back. i want a solid yoga practice, i want my music and new music too, i want to read books, i want to write poems and draw plant parts and go wildcrafting with friends. getting my most basic needs met has swallowed all my time for many months, but it's time to step it up and get my life in the order i like it to be in. i realized that my new love doesn't even know the 'me' i used to be, only the 'me' i am right now which in my mind is an inferior representation. i'm unbalanced, grasping somewhat desperately at the side of the mountain, unsure of where solid ground can be found. but, he seems to like me nonetheless. what a dear.

hilo crazy

there's alot of crazy people that live here and shop at abundant life natural foods. i don't mean like people who wear crazy clothes, or act like jesters, though there's plenty of those too, i mean the kind of nuts that i cannot understand. people whos reality is so far removed from mine that i label them crazy. take this guy, greg nottingham, for instance. he lives in a hotel by the bay, comes into the store, runs a business (sort of), and goes about his day accepted as one of the hilo residents who is just 'off'. then there's the woman who's been stalking my boyfriend for 3 years. yep, she goes through his trash, brings him poems and pictures, and visits him almost every time he works and talks to him like they're best friends. he should be scared, but after this long, she's probably not going to do anything violent, so we just laugh about it. there's the jehovah's witness we call 'shorts' because he wears drawstring shorts that are a little too short, athletic shoes from the 80's, and is constantly singing christian children's songs like 'kumbyah' and 'jesus loves the little children' while he's shopping, as if the songs keep bad thoughts out of his mind. creep. and don't forget the lady that thinks hawaii's governer is a sex addict who hosts swinger parties in public halls, and so are my bosses, and the girl who manages the chill/frozen department is a prostitute, and so on. it's pretty hilarious, and i have to wonder, are they everywhere on this island? or is it just the cross section of people that shop at the store?

i put in my request to go to part time there and that feels soooooo good. it looks like the restaurant job is going to be good money, at least 3 shifts a week, so it was time to cut down at abundo. working this much is insane, i feel mentally dull and spiritually depleted. my creative juices have been dormant and fermenting. i need some space to regroup.

dethroned!

one revolution leads to another, and as easy as the mansion came, it went. see, the owner of the place lives in new hampshire and has recently begun to have a nervous breakdown because the house has been on the market for so long and she is ‘out of money’, or as out of money as you can be when you only get 10,000 a month in alimony. she is a compulsive spender, and has finally run herself into so much debt that she is hanging by a thread. this stress has caused her to lash out at the caretakers of her house, blaming them for the house not selling, questioning their integrity, blowing small things out of proportion. then, her teenage daughter showed up unannounced, and all hell broke loose. why was there a cat in the house? why was someone staying in the master bedroom? i, being somewhat of a bystander, and rapidly wearing out my welcome, decided to pull out. it was fun while it lasted, but free mansion living still has it's costs.

as luck would have it, a house of creatively alive folks has opened it's doors to me. yes, i'll have to pay rent, but not alot of rent, and it's closer to town and the ocean. i've spent enough time with these people to know that we will live together just fine, and there's no lease, no commitment, very few formalities. i came across this perfectly timed situation through the new boyfriend, i'll call him simon, who is living here too. the house is a sweet jungle shack surrounded with fruit bearing trees and plants, a trampoline, a gazebo that doubles as a guest room, and a path across a private hidden bridge that leads to the ocean. it's a few minute walk from town, and there are two adorable dogs, rain and muna, who are rapidly worming their way into my heart. the only real downside--there's only one shitter. it's an older house, and that's just the way it goes.

oh yeah, i got that other job. i'm so tired from working so much that it's hard to be excited right now, but i am really hopeful that it's going to be good. i've worked two training shifts so far, and they went great. i think i'll be taking my own tables on my next shift. it's a super easy serving job, and the prices are kinda outrageous, so it should be good tips. plus, in hawaii, they pay you 7 bucks an hour, minimum! that's more than i made in denver as a bartender, wages wise. i think the end of poverty is in sight. what i hope will happen is i make enough money at the new job to cut down to 2-3 days a week at abundant life, or even eliminate it altogether. at the end of the day, i'm only making about 62 dollars for 8 hours there. i'd only have to make 50 bucks a shift at the restaurant to make the same amount in 4 hours. that kind of math is easy. the only problem is i'm not sure how many hours they will give me at the new job. i was hired for part time nights, meaning 3-4 for shifts, 3-5 hours each. i bet i'll be able to work my way in, becoming indispensable and getting whatever i want. that's the plan anyway.

the strangest fruit

last weekend i ate the most incredible fruit. it smells like a dead animal, or a propane leak from a distance, but up close it smells sweet and kind of herb-y. if it's smell doesn't deter you, it's skin will try to kill you with sharp spikes covering every inch, it's actually hard to even hold. if that doesn't deter you, the price for one might--the little baby one he bought for me was 10 dollars, a regular size one is like 30.

but suppose you get past all that and take one home. better leave it on the porch so the housemates don't get pissed. then try to open it, carefully so you don't get hurt. inside there are pods of goopy, creamy custard like flesh. put it in your mouth. go ahead, it's not really a dead animal. then, the taste, whoa... it's like musky vanilla tinged with fake banana bubblegum then the aftertaste is like garlic. i swear to you. bizarre! so fascinating! it's called a durian, and it's banned on public transportation in the philippines.

the next day, i smelled it everywhere, and i got sick. i don't know if the two are related.

today i spent all day with my friend luis who is visiting from santa fe. he gets props for being the first to follow through on the 'i'll come see you' promises. we went to the black sand beach and took photos of the sea turtles on land, then drove the whole way around the southern tip of the island and up the other side to hapuna beach where we snorkeled around the reef with his camera in it's underwater housing and got some fantastic pictures of a small sea turtle in the water. it was sweet. we're going out tomorrow armed with fins this time faster swimming. having not been to the tropics since his youth (he grew up in venezuela), he's gorging himself on lilikoi, tangerines, and sunshine in this laid back paradise. it's cool to see this island's healing powers at work.

speaking of work...did i mention i make no money at my job and i work really long hours? well, that might all change soon. i have in interview this thursday at a restaurant in town for a serving job. sometimes it pays to answer the phone when an unknown number calls. this could become my ideal situation where i work a few nights (or mornings) a week, and have plenty of time to work on my things to sell at the market and have fun with my new boyfriend. i'm not getting my hopes up, yet.

when you give up

plans are hatching, hands are holding, and i'm thinking i landed in the right place. twists of fate aren't always this immediately apparent, so perhaps i'm being fooled, but i don't care, fools are always having fun despite the risks.

who is he? good question. i think i manifested him. i'd like to take the credit, but he thinks he's been waiting here for me. either way, it's in the nick of time for both of us. i had filed my desires for a real live right here kind of mate in the 'i give up' department. finally, i had some peace, i would just work on myself, travel, read, and write letters to my caged creature in winterland. i'd lay out my next adventure and plot my solitude like i was already old and wizened. people would wonder what why i never married, why none of my lovers stuck it out with me, but it would seem right, a fitting destiny for an oddity. and hey, for all i know i'll be back on that track once he reads this blog and finds out how contrary i am, but for now, i'm reveling in the possibilities. i'm smiling at the very thought of his eyes meeting mine. i am, for all intents and purposes, enamored.

i think this blog will get juicy again. i think it might get me in trouble sometimes, but i'm going to temper my impulses and think before i post. if you know me, you might find yourself here, that's part of the deal, but i promise to be more thoughtful.

i'm back

today marks the 83rd day of my hawaiian adventure, a significant day because freyja got out of quarantine and now she is hiding under the bed, though we did some snuggling earlier. it feels like we've been apart for so long, but now that she's here, it's all back to normal. hissing and purring and growling and crunch crunching kibble. i have my sidekick back. or maybe my leader, but either way i feel complete. and i've done a complete 180 from where i was just weeks ago in my lonesome madness. no more do i feel alien, no more do i cry for no reason, no more do i wonder just what the hell i'm doing here... well, almost no more. i guess i've been distracted from all that by someone. and i've relearned that i'm charming, funny, pretty, and my dreams come true all the time.

i remember the day i got freyja from the pound. she was the sweetest, most unique and curious kitten. her markings so soft and symmetrical, sort of mesmerizing. i had never seen a cat like her before, though she wasn't strange, she was my imagination come to life. as we've grown together over the years, she's been like a mirror. those who know us both tend to say we're exactly alike. i guess i can accept that i'm not that nice, i only like who i like, and i change my mind precisely when i feel like changing my mind. it's not a stretch to see that i can act mad when i'm feeling affectionate, like to be looked at but not touched, and tend to inject a little pain into my play. she helps me see that though i'm not to everyone's liking, those that like me do it madly.

in the past weeks, i've delved more deeply into the world of here and now. i've made an important ally, and i have surprising options opening all around me.

one year anniversary

today is the one year anniversary of this blog and i thought i'd peek my head out to say thanks to all the people out there who have traveled with me this year. i am truly blessed to know you in real life and/or virtually, wherever you may be.

i have not given up on blogging, it's been a wild learning experience, but i am not sure how or when i will continue. there is merit to all the suggestions i've received, and i'm allowing those seedling ideas to sprout in my brain.

i miss the reckless abandon of just hitting the 'publish post' button when i've laid bare my thoughts, though i've realized it's not the best thing for everyone in my life. at least, it seems that way now. i've started to hope that it will all make sense later, and we will understand and love each other better for it.

aaaaand....scene.

it was a day of thought, reflection, arguing with myself, and a painful caffeine headache because brilliantly i decided to get unhooked on coffee on the worst possible day of the month. i'm not smart. i am probably dumber due to choices i have made and therefore cannot blame my genes or anything but my own poor judgment. file that under 'lessons learned'.

i took a hot bath, steam rising gently feathering the candle's flicker. i fell into a light trance, drifting around in the ether of emotion and memory. after i cried, i thought 'what the hell is wrong with me?' why do i claim to dislike conflict and then go about creating it at every turn? am i that desperate for attention from my family that i have to go about making trouble just to start a conversation? and the answer, i guess, is yes. sheepishly i had to admit that. i'm involved in a constant battle between wanting to engage with them and needing my distance. i make arguments because otherwise we have nothing interesting to talk about, not all that much in common, and i'm not satisfied with only seeing each other at holiday gatherings and spouting small talk. i also don't want to have to hide what i do and my real feelings about things. i feel like, at some point in life, a person should be able to be their real self in front of their family and not have to fight about it. i've seen it happen in other families, so i know it's not unheard of. but, every time i try i regret it. it's better to stay hidden, quiet, unknown, though clearly i'm no good at that. i embarrass myself constantly.

right now, i'm going into the passive stage of it, pulling back and shutting up. i know the aggressive cycle will come back around again, and i have to decide how to handle it. i know this all stems from wanting to communicate, but i must be too dumb to figure out how to do it without being a total ass.

i'm going to take a break from blogging. it's been a compelling experience to write my life on the overhead projector, but it's getting too hot on this plexiglass, and my mistakes pile up faster than i can correct them. i'm going back to the old pen and paper, i have some things i need to work out.