when you give up

plans are hatching, hands are holding, and i'm thinking i landed in the right place. twists of fate aren't always this immediately apparent, so perhaps i'm being fooled, but i don't care, fools are always having fun despite the risks.

who is he? good question. i think i manifested him. i'd like to take the credit, but he thinks he's been waiting here for me. either way, it's in the nick of time for both of us. i had filed my desires for a real live right here kind of mate in the 'i give up' department. finally, i had some peace, i would just work on myself, travel, read, and write letters to my caged creature in winterland. i'd lay out my next adventure and plot my solitude like i was already old and wizened. people would wonder what why i never married, why none of my lovers stuck it out with me, but it would seem right, a fitting destiny for an oddity. and hey, for all i know i'll be back on that track once he reads this blog and finds out how contrary i am, but for now, i'm reveling in the possibilities. i'm smiling at the very thought of his eyes meeting mine. i am, for all intents and purposes, enamored.

i think this blog will get juicy again. i think it might get me in trouble sometimes, but i'm going to temper my impulses and think before i post. if you know me, you might find yourself here, that's part of the deal, but i promise to be more thoughtful.

i'm back

today marks the 83rd day of my hawaiian adventure, a significant day because freyja got out of quarantine and now she is hiding under the bed, though we did some snuggling earlier. it feels like we've been apart for so long, but now that she's here, it's all back to normal. hissing and purring and growling and crunch crunching kibble. i have my sidekick back. or maybe my leader, but either way i feel complete. and i've done a complete 180 from where i was just weeks ago in my lonesome madness. no more do i feel alien, no more do i cry for no reason, no more do i wonder just what the hell i'm doing here... well, almost no more. i guess i've been distracted from all that by someone. and i've relearned that i'm charming, funny, pretty, and my dreams come true all the time.

i remember the day i got freyja from the pound. she was the sweetest, most unique and curious kitten. her markings so soft and symmetrical, sort of mesmerizing. i had never seen a cat like her before, though she wasn't strange, she was my imagination come to life. as we've grown together over the years, she's been like a mirror. those who know us both tend to say we're exactly alike. i guess i can accept that i'm not that nice, i only like who i like, and i change my mind precisely when i feel like changing my mind. it's not a stretch to see that i can act mad when i'm feeling affectionate, like to be looked at but not touched, and tend to inject a little pain into my play. she helps me see that though i'm not to everyone's liking, those that like me do it madly.

in the past weeks, i've delved more deeply into the world of here and now. i've made an important ally, and i have surprising options opening all around me.

one year anniversary

today is the one year anniversary of this blog and i thought i'd peek my head out to say thanks to all the people out there who have traveled with me this year. i am truly blessed to know you in real life and/or virtually, wherever you may be.

i have not given up on blogging, it's been a wild learning experience, but i am not sure how or when i will continue. there is merit to all the suggestions i've received, and i'm allowing those seedling ideas to sprout in my brain.

i miss the reckless abandon of just hitting the 'publish post' button when i've laid bare my thoughts, though i've realized it's not the best thing for everyone in my life. at least, it seems that way now. i've started to hope that it will all make sense later, and we will understand and love each other better for it.

aaaaand....scene.

it was a day of thought, reflection, arguing with myself, and a painful caffeine headache because brilliantly i decided to get unhooked on coffee on the worst possible day of the month. i'm not smart. i am probably dumber due to choices i have made and therefore cannot blame my genes or anything but my own poor judgment. file that under 'lessons learned'.

i took a hot bath, steam rising gently feathering the candle's flicker. i fell into a light trance, drifting around in the ether of emotion and memory. after i cried, i thought 'what the hell is wrong with me?' why do i claim to dislike conflict and then go about creating it at every turn? am i that desperate for attention from my family that i have to go about making trouble just to start a conversation? and the answer, i guess, is yes. sheepishly i had to admit that. i'm involved in a constant battle between wanting to engage with them and needing my distance. i make arguments because otherwise we have nothing interesting to talk about, not all that much in common, and i'm not satisfied with only seeing each other at holiday gatherings and spouting small talk. i also don't want to have to hide what i do and my real feelings about things. i feel like, at some point in life, a person should be able to be their real self in front of their family and not have to fight about it. i've seen it happen in other families, so i know it's not unheard of. but, every time i try i regret it. it's better to stay hidden, quiet, unknown, though clearly i'm no good at that. i embarrass myself constantly.

right now, i'm going into the passive stage of it, pulling back and shutting up. i know the aggressive cycle will come back around again, and i have to decide how to handle it. i know this all stems from wanting to communicate, but i must be too dumb to figure out how to do it without being a total ass.

i'm going to take a break from blogging. it's been a compelling experience to write my life on the overhead projector, but it's getting too hot on this plexiglass, and my mistakes pile up faster than i can correct them. i'm going back to the old pen and paper, i have some things i need to work out.

christianity

if you've checked the comment section of my blog lately, you'll see much spirited discussion between me and a few of my relatives. it's really got me thinking, and i want to put this out there as my intention.

i want to be a christian if god wants me to be one. that's going to take a miraculous conversion effort on god's part, and i'm sure god is capable, but so far god has not revealed christianity to be the way for me. nothing short of this will do, no emails, no books, no endless reasoning and explanation. i know christians have reasons they believe, but the basis is that they just BELIEVE. that's the component i don't have and can't be given to me by anyone but god.

i came across an interesting website today, a blog of a woman who was converted at age 37 through some sort of god attack. i'm intrigued, and i'll be reading her story.

i am an open person. i do not want to deny or contradict anything just because i don't find it appealing. i don't feel empty without religion or faith, so it hasn't been a real motivating factor for me, but it seems to be an area of endless contention in my family. if it doesn't happen, and i don't end up a christian, i hope they can accept that i tried, i asked and i did not receive. and if christ wins, then we all go out for drinks and celebrate.

sunday is for play

i have a new friend. she dresses in the brightest colors you've ever seen, has bouncy red hair, is entirely unpredictable, at once self-effacing and self-promoting. in the course of one day spent with her i looked at her many intricate paintings, listened to her poetry and prose, sang comic opera with her, heard her sing and play on the guitar a song she wrote, and exchanged stories from childhood both poignant and silly. she was along for my whole day which started at ecstatic dance and ended at a pagan holiday gathering at a co-workers house. today was 'imbolic' the midpoint between winter solstice and spring equinox when the first signs of spring are recognized. this is the source of our pennsylvania grown 'groundhog day' when punxsutawny phil comes out and sees his shadow (or not).

this new friend, j, helped awaken my playfulness again. i have gone through what felt like a dark period of isolation, and it is over now. i am in the land of the living, meeting people, feeling confident and worthy of my community, and fluttering around the island making connections. and nothing brings out the child in me like the hot pink rubber shoes and purple sparkly eyeshadow j was wearing. i felt right at home wearing my green gingham and eyelet dress from the 40's that makes me look like alice in wonderland. i know when i feel good enough to wear that dress, i am completely inhabiting my body, and suddenly everyone is interested.

i met a woman named eva at the dance who is putting on a burlesque show for valentines day, and i want to audition for it. she said she can put me in the show if i have an 'act'. this means i have to put together an act, and quick. i don't know if i can pull it off, i need some input from my actor friends--what should i do? song suggestions? resources to research? costume ideas? this could be the very thing to bring me fully out of my shell. i haven't performed in years, but i have a strong desire to do this. besides, she was wearing a furry pink kitten bonnet, and has tiger stripes tatooed all over her, of course i want to be her friend.

in blogger world news, i met a fellow nomad recently who is visiting the big island for a while (maybe forever?) i always love it when i meet people from blogland and they are as charming as i thought they were. glad you're here christian!