serious vagabond

getting out of here has become top priority. at least it's become more urgent since my vacation. i want to be somewhere warm sometime soon to settle in for the winter. a woman came into my work tonight and talked a big story about the virgin islands. i've come to learn there are no quarantines for animals and it's relatively easy to move there on a whim. when i went to hawaii last year, i was disheartened to learn of its stringent animal quarantine policies and thought i couldn't do the island life with a cat, but now i'm pleased to learn, it isn't that way everywhere. i wonder if i could take my van there? i'm still inquiring.
work sucks since i've been back, i haven't even made 100 bucks a night which is horrible. i'm losing interest in sticking it out. i can make this kind of lousy money anywhere. i will give it a few more weeks, but i have to figure something out soon.
today i took everything out of my storage shed and reorganized. this week i'll have plenty to do sending things away and selling/giving items i no longer need. i'm getting very serious about paring down to the essentials. i have no time for extraneous things, i'm a serious vagabond.
i feel a new page has been opened and i'm ready for it.

beware the gnomes

i'm back in real life with the heat and the mess, the death and separation highlighting the week of love and support i just flew away from. trying to figure out this equation and the lesson therein.
i made some significant connections at the wedding, and as the secret maid of honor i felt if was my duty to throw a party at my cabin. it was a kind of constant party that peaked the night before the wedding when the groom and his entourage from nyc showed up to spill out of the hottub and make lively conversation around the campfire. the cabin was appropriately named "the gnome house" and the gnomes were not altogether bad fellows, though mischief was in the air. the worst such incident i call the mystery of the missing key. the shuttle which was rented by the grooms family had a single key that somehow went missing that night. the boy who lost it was going crazy looking in the dark for it, and i finally had to talk him into staying so he wasn't up all night. the next day, we looked. nothing. where oh where could it be. we resigned ourselves to calling the van company and seeing if they had a spare. the hustle of wedding day took over and i didn't think about it much until our friends andy and savahn showed up with the key. huh? well, the story goes that as savahn was taking things out of her car to prepare for the wedding, she set her dress on top of her car, then removed it and the key was sitting there right on top of her hatchback. now, this is nearly impossible to explain without gnome intervention. she WAS there at the party for a while, but when she found the key it was at her hotel which was nearly 10 miles of bumpy, hilly roads away. also when she set the dress on the car, there was nothing on top, when she removed it, the key was there. the dress wasn't at the party. what happened? we were all mystified, but glad to have the key. moral: beware of gnomes.
the good times continued, the wedding was beautiful, the dancing unabashedly hot. the afterglow lasted through the next day and we all went hiking on mt. constitution and ate wild berries and currants from the generous northwest island forest. the cool semi-cloudy days were a welcome respite of 60 to 70 degree temperatures. i felt the atmosphere like a blanket softly draped around my shoulders, sheltering me with humidity and cool breezes.
then, as suddenly as it appeared, it dissolved, and here i am typing and sweating. while i was gone, my friend from work, jess, lost her brother to an accidental overdose. she's understandably a mess, and i have no idea what to do for her except be available. hearing this news made my heart sink, and my thoughts turned to eric. i want to talk to him so much! i wish he wanted me to be part of this part of his life. so i called him. and he changed his number. once and for all wiping me off his map. what do i do with this? i'm at a loss and have no plan of action. just sitting in the swirling mass of life's events, reevaluating what my best purpose could be.
rollercoaster's gotta roll to the bottom if you want to climb to the top again.

wacked out at work

my boss got wasted at work last night and we had to kick him out to keep him from embarrassing the whole place. the whole staff really pulled together as a team and got him out of there, then ran the restaurant seamlessly the rest of the night. i was really proud of us. funny how this happens following months of his tyranny forbidding anyone from having a drink at work, even after we're done. he swings like a pendulum from one extreme to the other fast and furious. today he is so sheepish. he called me to say "sorry" and to let me know that he's handing over the beverage consulting to me because he can't risk even putting wine in his mouth anymore. he's scared sober again. i'm happy because he needed a dose of humility, and now i got a promotion of sorts out of it.
two more shifts and then i'm off for a week so i can head up to washington to get my friends sarah and luis hitched. i loosened the pursestrings this week a bit and bought a few dresses to look cute in, and a real awesome push-up bra from victoria's secret. it's amazing what those things can do. this week will be exciting, fun, social and may prevent me from blogging, though i'll try to get a few in.
in other news: the funnest part of vandwelling in july is taking showers in the sunshine with the hose. my solar shower broke and i took it back to rei for a refund and decided to see if i could get by without it for a while. turns out i can, though i'll surely buy another one before the summer's up.

can't have it all

a slow simmering sadness crept up on me as i went about my day, doing laundry, eating, calling people, watching a documentary, and meeting my friend kree for dinner and drinks. it's the news from eric, it's the distance from my family and good friends, it's the realization of goals i haven't met. it's a force of my nature that reminds me not to get too comfortable, always be ready to move.
a little girl in baggy shorts plays with a toy bow and arrow set, trying to convince her little sister to hold the target, but the princess says no. trying to train herself to be indian, but it's only plastic. i understand her attempt. i want to be who i am, but i have no cultural reference point. there's no one to tell me if i made it, or if i failed. i'm playing out my own visions, making up my story, but i want for community, for place, for home.
it's days like this that i just want to buy a house and declare a state of being that revolves around one spot on the earth.
i know i'm just looking over the fence instead of enjoying my own pasture, and i bring my focus back to here and now. the moonlit night is a gift of temperate perfection, crickets serenading with cicadas singing backup, a horn honks, a bike backfires, i crack a beer and breathe.

the cat came back

i was feeling low and worker bee-ish today as i went through the motions of packing up my van to go do several massages on my day "off" and as i slogged along, i grumbled promises to my tired shoulders that i would never get in debt again. whatever i can have in this life, i can have, and if it ain't a mansion on a hill, so be it. so my acting career hasn't happened, and i'm not a travel writer, and i don't even have a puppy much less a herd of horses, but i am working for a paycheck and not counting on the lottery. it's not all i can do, but it's a step with open eyes and in the meantime my heart is strong.
and just as i thought the day couldn't get more mundane....eric calls me. damn near the last thing i expected on planet earth today. my feelings were mixed, i was still quite angry which was my way of dealing the anxiety of not knowing, but i wanted like hell to see him in the flesh and press my head into his broad chest as i hugged him one more time. he pulled up on a brand new motorcycle of the fast variety with a shiny helmet a smile, and cautious eyes. the news was horrible, as i thought it would be and while he says he wants to see me while he's in town putting his affairs in order, i have little hope for being a recurring character in his life, he's keeping me at arms length. can't say i blame him, i am a prickly bitch, but i do have some fortitude and am willing to go the distance for him if he'll let me.
cut to tears, hugs, questions and long looks...
my role, i'm certain is to lure him back into life with those who love him, and the shiny new helmet winks approval.

he crossed me

today i feel radically honest, and while i know that being honest is only as good as knowing when to shut up, i decided to use my momentum to edify someone who needed a talking to. see, there was this guy i met last week who seemed really into me and even pushed my boundaries with his forthright manner and i thought i liked him for that. but it turns out he didn't know what he was doing and decided it was too dangerous to like me so he dipped. this sort of waffling irritates me and i just couldn't let it go, so i wrote him a letter. in it i got to tell him just what i thought of how he treated me without him being able to question my logic or defend his choices. i wasn't mean or petty or overly negative, i just indicated his lack of manners and my subsequent discomfort. the therapeutic effects of this are immediate and i feel like a million bucks. the white pages gave me his address and i will mail it before i go to work. this affair affirms that i love letters. even when they're not love letters.

the time is nigh

yesterday i made another major payment towards my debt and then added up all that was left. i was surprised at the figure since i hadn't done the numbers in a while and didn't know what to expect. i only have 4000 left and at this rate, if all keeps going as it's going, i'll be debt free in september and saving for my next adventure until the winter threatens. right on schedule! i've also been sending twice the amount to the account that my student loans deduct from every month (the only debt i'm not able to eliminate at this point) so i'm already paid up till november. when i'm ready to leave i may have 6 months or more of no payments to make. it'll almost be like retirement. boom.

summer vandwelling tips

summertime and the dwellings easy...especially if you live in the southwest or a very dry climate. i have my spot all set up for maximum coolness--reflectix on all the south and east facing windows (i'm rarely there in the evening, so i don't worry about the western sun), evaporative cooler parked outside the side door (35 bucks on craigslist) blowing in, windows upstairs and in back open to allow air flow, little fan pointing up at my bed. i have it easy because i have electric and water hookups, but if you had access to water, this setup would still run easily on a deep cycle battery. the cooler eats the same juice as a 60watt lightbulb, and drinks alot of water, i'd say about 5-7 gallons on a very hot day if it's running all day. i stay cooler in the van than i did in a house last summer. and kitty does too. i can't tell you how much easier this all is than i imagined it to be. i spent plenty of time worrying that i would roast and freyja would die and it would be miserable, but not a single day of unbearability has come to pass. my advice to you worriers--just take the plunge and try it out without having to figure everything out in detail before hand. solutions present themselves as needed, and you will find a way to be comfortable.
another beautiful comfort of home- my solar shower. it works on 90 percent of days in the summer in colorado. that's only 3 days a month that i can't get a hot shower due to lack of sunshine. that's amazing! and it's free heat from the sun!
if i can find a place with similar conditions for the winter, i'll be set. i'm seriously considering heading to the slab city for a few months during the brunt of winter. the last free place in america. with that kind of reputation, i absolutely have to check it out. bunch of misfits and weirdos and families and retirees. could be fun, could be a headache.
i don't think i'll be moving in with teri. her landlord is being a pain and there are more problems that surfaced. her house could literally catch on fire any minute due to rigged wiring and shorts in the electrical system. no thanks! i'll stay safe in my little van world. i'm happy with my situation for now, and my debt is disappearing fast. i'm going to gather some figures and see just how much is left and start a countdown. yay!

sometimes i like america

yesterday i found the perfect combo--at the peak of summer, the all american day that is the fourth of july, i rode my scooter real slow down residential streets and watched the people with their barbeques and canned beers while i sipped a giant slurpee (cherry and coke mixed). for those moments, i had no desire for anything else, i was in a state of perfect zen consciousness. i've always loved summer and the inherent freedom from clothing, school, and being inside buildings. this is especially poignant during my vandwelling experiment. live has really never been easier in a simple sense. in the past 24 hours a real peace has come over me and i'm no longer worried about what happens outside this moment. i just continue to do the best i can, minute by minute.

times are tough all over

anger, revenge, frustration, these continue today, last night was pure rage. i was as fierce as i've ever been, but with no way to unleash it because the objects of these feelings are many miles away. a man that i love got beat up by his ex-wife's father over a tractor. this man is one of the kindest, most understanding people i've ever met. the ex's father showed up and saw that he had the tractor loaded up which was his per the divorce agreement (she got the house and everything esle) and proceeded to attack him as he came back from walking the dogs. wow, that's ghetto. these people all have guns, and the ex-wife's parents have proven their inferior intelligence on more than one occasion. he got the hell out, which he was preparing to do all along and is now arriving in upstate new york where he is starting a long awaited project. and i'm here feeling so pissed off and vengeful and hating that i feel this way. if i was there i would have smashed out all their windows and slashed their tires and poured raw sewage down their chimney. or something like that.
i'm not used to being so angry. it's not like me.
earlier this week i was so excited and happy because i met an interesting man at work. we went out for drinks and ended on what i thought was a very positive note, however he hasn't called in 3 days and now i wonder if i'm supposed to call him. i don't want to. i'm through with men who aren't sure if they're interested. fuck that. my rollercoaster of emotions is making me sick.